Turnabout 2

Nine

By Chris G

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“So you think you know what’s going on,” I finally said. Lame, I know, but it’s the best I could come up with.

Stu’s response was not what I expected. A red flush slowly rose from his neck up into his face, and his head dropped back to the floor. “Yeah,” he said very, very softly. “Yeah, I think I know.”

Why I did it, I have no idea. I guess maybe because I don’t like loose ends, stuff left unresolved. Something drove me to finish with this, no matter what the consequences. “So what is it you think you know, Stu?” I said all in a rush, and somewhat loudly at that.

Stu’s head snapped up. He actually looked a little scared in behind the startled expression on his face. “Uh… Dave, you… you really don’t want to know.”

I was too far in now. “Yeah, Stu, I really want to know what you think is going on. You keep telling me I’ve done something to mess you up with Josh. You keep coming back to me, to us, with that same story. So we have to settle it.”

The red hadn’t left his face. He choked for a moment, then kind of stuttered out, “Debbie says…”

I had to jump in there. Dealing with Stu was hard enough without getting Debbie involved. “I don’t care what Debbie says. Debbie has her own agenda, Stu. Don’t get mixed up with her. I want to know what you think, not what she thinks.”

He got even more squirmy than he had been before. His obvious discomfort indicated quite clearly that his mouth had got him into something he really didn’t want to be in, and now he was looking for the nearest exit. I wasn’t about to let him off. I don’t know why I was so intent on getting it out of him either. I mean, I should have been looking for all the safety I could, to keep what Josh and I had hidden. But it just seemed that Stu was a problem I could settle if only I could find out exactly what he had on his mind. If my guess was right, he was thinking that Josh and I were in love, and that he would rather be in my position. Could I get him to come even close to saying it? Was I even right?

He was still sitting beside me, head down again, almost choking in his efforts to say something, anything. Preferably something that would get him out of there without having to say what he’d been hinting at.

“Ok, Stu, look. You’ve got something on your mind about Josh and me. Stop stalling. Spit it out.” Take your pick: totally brave or totally stupid.

“Jeez, Dave, I… You really want… Man, don’t you know…” He was starting to get very agitated now. The fiery color was draining back out of his face, leaving it kind of pale. I’d read somewhere that this was a danger sign. People who are very red in the face are either just blowing off steam or embarrassed (I should know!); people who turn pale are the ones you have to watch out for.

“Stu, relax man. There’s just the two of us here. No one else can hear. Neither one of us has a witness to what the other one says. So you can say anything you like, and I can’t prove to anyone else that you said it.” The argument wasn’t absolutely water-tight, but I hoped I could get it by him.

It seemed to work. He spluttered for a few moments more, then finally drew a deep breath and blurted out, turning towards me almost belligerently, “You two are in love!”

He looked as though he was ready for a fight, but all I did was say to him, quite calmly, “Why do you say that?” while at the same time shouting to myself, “YES!” With my suspicions confirmed, maybe I could get this resolved.

Stu looked surprised that I wasn’t upset by his statement. He even had to explore it. “How come you’re not mad at me for saying that?”

“Well, I don’t think you’re saying it just to get me going. I think you’re saying it because you believe it. So I want to know why you think that’s true.”

He still couldn’t get over my lack of violent response. “Jeez, Preston, most guys would freak out if somebody said something like that to them.”

“Would you?” I responded. He looked puzzled. I decided to go for broke. If I was right… “Actually, I think you’re in love with Josh yourself.” I couldn’t help tensing up as I said it.

I didn’t think such a big guy could shrink so visibly before my eyes. He seemed to cringe away into his corner of the couch. I thought he was going to disappear behind one of the cushions, only to be discovered the next time someone went looking for loose change. Seeing that reaction relaxed me considerably. “Come on, Stu. You’re among friends. I’ll admit it if you will. I am in love with Josh.”

He stopped in his process of trying to disappear. A look of total disbelief spread over his face. I actually stopped for a moment to really look at him. Not bad, actually. The big, blonde type, buzzed hair which gave his head an unfortunate bullet shape, but altogether not too bad. He took a while to get his head around this new development. “You… you are?” The note of incredulity drove his voice up into cracking range.

I nodded. Then waited. I was really hoping.

“Yeah. Well.” He stopped for several moments, took a big breath, and looked back down at the floor. Then, really quietly, “Yeah. Well, I guess I am too.”

Another internal shout of joy. Now we were getting somewhere. If only I could divert him, make him happy, then… “Now that didn’t hurt too much, did it?”

He shook his head as though he were being attacked by a swarm of mosquitoes. He looked back up at me and finally said, “It feels so weird to be actually talking about it.”

“Better than not talking about it at all.”

“How… how did you know?”

Why he didn’t figure that Josh had told me about their conversation earlier, I don’t know. Of course, I wasn’t going to let him know that Josh had already told me. “A number of things. How direct you were in the cafeteria. A sign of desperation, I think. Then when you said just now that you’d been watching us. I figured if you knew what to look for, it was probably because you’d been thinking of yourself in my place doing the same things.”

“Yeah, I guess…”

“So. How long have you felt this way?” I didn’t want to hammer on the “L” word too much. He was in a very delicate state right now.

“Since school started last year. Maybe from the end of the year before. I started noticing him, and just wanted to be around him. Then he let me hang around along with the other guys. He actually talked to me a couple of times about stuff. It felt great.” His eyes took on a wistful look. “And then we started to hassle you and that other guy…”

“Will,” I broke in.

“Yeah, Will. What is it with him, anyway? How come he was always trying to stick up for you?”

“Cause he’s my friend, that’s why.” I didn’t think it would be a good idea to complicate the issue by getting into the emotional details of our friendship. “Will’s a really decent guy.”

“Yeah, I kinda thought so. Wouldn’t be everybody who’d hang around to take crap like that. He’s gotta be special.”

“Well, I sure think so. Um, tell me Stu, did you enjoy doing what you did to us?”

Stu thought for a moment. “Nah, not really. I mean, I was doing it because it was what Josh wanted. I thought if I helped him get you, he’d think more of me. Now it seems like it’s helped me lose him.” His face fell at that thought. I thought he was almost ready to cry.

“Stu,” I said very quietly, “I’m really sorry if I’ve messed things up for you. But Josh has had a really bad time over all this stuff between us. I don’t think he would really want to hurt you. But it’s like he said—you just remind him of what he doesn’t want to be any more. I don’t think he sees you as a bad person.”

“Well, I… I still love him.”

“Stu, you’ve gotta try to move past that. Find someone else.”

Stu looked at me as though my head had opened up and real marbles had come tumbling out. “So just how am I supposed to do that?”

“Well, just get out and meet people. Why not…” And I was actually going to say ‘why not try Will’, which would have been about as obvious a ploy as you could want, when the doorbell rang. I cut off, saying the traditional, “Now who could that be?” and hoping that by some absolute miracle, it would be Will. And it was. So help me. Will, standing at my door.

“Boy am I glad to see you!” I enthused.

Will looked at me kind of strange. No wonder. “Gee… thanks. I think. To what do I owe this enthusiastic welcome?” Some bitterness showed through that last remark.

“Look, come on in the kitchen a minute.” I turned and hollered into the living room, “I’ll just be a minute!”

“Who’s in there? Josh?” said Will, looking as though he wanted to turn and run.

“No, it’s Stu.”

“Who?”

“Not again, Will! The guy you were standing with, along with Debbie the other day. The guy I told you about. Remember?”

“Oh, yeah, right. I can never remember his name.”

This was a great omen for my little plan. Oh well. Time to try harder.

I pulled on Will’s arm, tugging him toward the kitchen. He followed me docilely enough. I wanted to charge right in, get things rolling. I was so psyched up about this, wanting to make everything come out right for the sake of Josh and me. But I knew I had to be cool about this, take it slowly, not spook anybody. I knew I had two really delicate cases on my hands here. I had to get them together in just the right way, without being obvious. To Will, especially. He was no dummy.

I pressed Will down into one of the chairs at the table, grabbed a Coke out of the fridge, and tossed it to him. “So, what brings you here?”

Will actually looked a little nonplussed. “I… I don’t know for sure. Force of habit, I guess. I just got bored sitting home and I didn’t know what else to do.” His gaze sort of wandered off and stopped somewhere in the middle distance, glazing over and losing focus as it did. Shit. This wasn’t looking good. Time to move.

“Gee, you mean you thought I’d be more interesting than your computer? I’m flattered!” I said with a forced lightness of tone. Already I knew I was never cut out to be manipulating. I should have brought Debbie in as a consultant for all this.

Will’s gaze came back to me and he smiled wanly. “I always did think you were more interesting than a computer,” he said softly.

I wanted to find a mouse hole and crawl into it. “Will,” I said, putting my hand on his arm. He flinched. “Will,” I said more strongly. “It’s time to move on, Will.” Jeez, they were holding up the cue cards with the same stuff I’d used for Stu. I hope they’d work just as well. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to tie myself up in knots.

“Easy for you to say, David!” Will responded with some heat. “You’ve got what you want. You’re covered. Easy to sit back and dish out the advice.” He was starting to come to the boil. Good thing we were in the kitchen. I might need the fire extinguisher.

“But, Will, dammit! You can’t keep going on about me. You’re right—I’m out of the picture. It’s time to find someone new.”

“Oh, sure. Like I said—notice on the bulletin board, huh?”

“Come off it! He could be anywhere—tomorrow at school, next time you go to the mall, when you leave to go home. Hell, he could even be in the living room!” I was on a roll, which is why I rolled too far.

Will was looking at me as though I’d just flipped out. “What? What do you mean, he could be in the living room? What’s-his-name—Stu—he’s in the living room, isn’t he? Isn’t that what you said? Why could—what are you up to?”

The red was starting to come up into my face. Of all my possible career choices, I could easily see diplomacy not being among them. “Jeez, Will, try yelling it real loud. I don’t think he heard you quite!” I said in exasperation. “Look, here’s the short version. Stu’s been nagging after Josh, all upset because Josh doesn’t want him around any more. After all, he was one of the toadies. But Stu was more than just that. Turns out he’s in love with Josh.”

Will’s eyes grew to about twice their size. “He actually told you that? He’s that numb?”

“No, he’s not that numb. He actually came here to confront me with the fact that he’d figured out that Josh and I were in love, which is why he got dumped.” I snorted at the word. “I guess you two have something in common. Anyway, he sort of choked up at trying to tell me that, and I forced it out of him. Then I said I figured as much about him, and he admitted it.”

Will digested that news for a minute. “Jeez, David, you sure have a way with people.” He shook his head, then looked at me and actually smiled. “Ever thought of joining the diplomatic service?” I threw a suspiciously soft-looking banana at him. He grabbed it neatly, without causing any complications, and put it back in the bowl. “Seriously, how is he taking all this?”

“He’s kind of… actually, he seems to be a lot like you at the moment. All confused and not knowing where to go from here. You know, he actually said he thought you were kind of cool. For standing up with me in the face of all the shit Josh was throwing at us.”

Will’s face took on a thoughtful look. “Really? Hmm. David, don’t move. Stay here in the kitchen.” With that command, Will went off into the living room, leaving me sitting at the table staring after him with my mouth open.

Half an hour later, straining my ears toward the living room, I could still hear the murmur of voices. Shit! Had it been that easy? I had to call Josh with the news.

I dialed. Five rings. Voice mail. “Hey, it’s me. Guess what? Stu was here when I got home. Then Will came over. And the two of them have been together in the living room for the last half hour. I’m confined to the kitchen. Call me!”

I hung up and went to the fridge for another Coke. It looked like it was going to be a long haul. I didn’t want to go up to my room, because then I wouldn’t know how things were progressing down here. Besides, I was the host, wasn’t I? Even if I had been told to sit tight and stay out of the way.

My mother’s collection of cookbooks (which she never used, let alone read) was my only source of entertainment. Mom didn’t believe in having a TV in the kitchen, let alone a computer. I hauled out the most entertaining-looking one (don’t ask me for my criteria on that), and started thumbing through it. I was actually getting engrossed in how you could make pies with zucchini (blechhh!!!) when the phone rang.

I grabbed it before it could ring too long and disturb the summit conference in the living room. “Yeah?”

“Nice phone manners, young man!”

“And where did you take your degree in etiquette?” I asked Josh.

“Got your message!” Josh replied, avoiding the side issue. Already I could tell something was up. His voice had that bubbly quality it took on when he was on a high. “Give me the details!”

“They’re still in conference,” I said, glancing at my watch. “Fifty minutes and counting.” And I filled in the details on what had taken place. “So what’s up your way? You sound as though something’s happened there as well.”

“You’re beginning to know me too well. We’re going to have to do something about that!” Josh teased.

“Yeah. I really want to do something about that!” I breathed huskily. “I want to climb right into your skin with you.”

“Ooh, scary! Scary, but kinda nice at the same time. I love you, David!” His voice actually choked up when he said it. I felt a stab of warmth right in the pit of my stomach which began to spread up and out through my body.

“I love you too, Josh.” We both fell silent for a moment, fully connected even though it was over a phone line. “Anyway,” I said, rousing myself from our bliss, “what’s up?”

“Oh!” he responded, chuckling. “It was way cool. Sorry you missed it.”

“Man, I’m not going to miss you if you don’t cough up. What happened?”

“W-e-l-l,” he said, really dragging it out, “Debbie showed up.”

“WHAT!”

“Christ, man, don’t yell in my ear like that! You practically blew out my ear drum!”

“Will you talk already?”

“I will if you promise not to make any more sudden, loud noises! That hurt!”

“Oh, my poor baby, I’m so s-o-r-r-y,” I said, in a whiny kind of goo-goo baby voice. “I’m sorry I hurt my pwecious little snookums. Now talk!”

Josh was now giggling insanely on the other end of the phone. This wasn’t going to be an easy story to get. “Josh, if you don’t stop that giggling and start talking, I’m gonna come over there and…” I stopped and snarled menacingly.

“Oh yeah? Tell me what you’re gonna do, huh? Tell me exactly and in full detail just what you’re going to do to me,” he said, panting heavily into the phone.

“What, did I suddenly get crossed with a 900 number? Will you just stop fucking around and tell me what’s up?”

“God, I don’t know what kind of relationship we’re going to have if all you want to do is be serious all the time,” Josh said in a very put-on injured tone.

“The absolutely last thing I’ll ever manage to be with you is serious, you clown. Now, for the last time, pretty please with sugar, and spice, and everything nice, and a full, and I mean a fully full, total body massage with your favorite scented oil thrown in, will you kindly tell me what—is—going—on?”

“Mmmmm… I’m drifting away here just imagine the feel of your oil-soaked hands running firmly up my legs, lingering on my full, luscious ass…”

“Shit, man, your full, luscious ass is going to be burning a bright red when I get my hands on it…”

“Hey, I can get into that too… I mean, in the proper context.”

“Wouldn’t be anything in the least proper about that context, boy. Now will you kindly restrain your prurient adolescent fantasies long enough to tell me something?”

“Hey, it was your fantasy. I just went along with it. What would you like to know? With what department may I connect you? Barrett World Wide Enterprises is at your complete service.”

Man, he had absolutely gone right up into full earth orbit. I guess I just had to wait until he came back down.

“Josh, baby, I’ll just sit here and wait for you. You know I love you in spite of your mental deficiencies.”

“Say that again.”

“Say what again? ‘Mental deficiencies’?”

“No, you dork. Say ‘Josh baby’ again.”

“Josh, baby,” I crooned into the phone. A sputter of laughter from behind made me whip around in my chair. Behind me stood Stu and Will, breaking up in hysterics. They were laughing so hard they were leaning up against each other for support. I could feel my face flushing beet red, but I still was able to notice the signs that told me these two were comfortable with each other. I had it proved in the next instant. Will grabbed Stu by the shoulders and crooned, “Oh, Stu, baby!” Then the two of them immediately ruined the effect by breaking up into laughter again.

I held the phone away to let Josh hear. “Oh sure,” I said bitterly. “Trample all over a guy’s most sensitive feelings. Why should it bother me?”

“Oh, knock it off, David,” said Will matter-of-factly. “It was just too good to miss, an opportunity like that. Anyway, Stu and I just want to say thanks and everything. We’re going over to my place now.”

“Yeah, we want to leave you in peace with your, ummm… prurient adolescent fantasies,” Stu chimed in. God, he could even pronounce it. Maybe there was a little more there than I’d thought.

“Thank you so much,” I said with heavy sarcasm. And then, because I just couldn’t resist, I added, “Best of luck!” Will looked at me strangely. Stu just shrugged his shoulders and headed out. Will then followed quickly. I heard the front door slam behind them and put the phone back to my ear. “I think our Stu and Will problem is solved,” I reported to Josh.

“I get that impression! Wow, good going David!”

“Now, would you puh-leazzzzzzzze tell me what happened with Debbie?”

“Man, you just had to be here to really get the full effect. It was wonderful! It was stupendous! It was humongous! It was like totally, radically, awesome, duuuude!” He was off again. Higher than a weather balloon. I sighed. I didn’t think I was ever going to get this story.

“It really was just too good to be true,” he went on. “Debbie came marching up to the front door just as my mother was going out. I was right behind her. Mom pulled the door open, and there stood Debbie just about to ring the bell. ‘Ah, Miss Deborah Harkins’, mom says. She used that same tone of voice like one of those cartoon characters uses to say, ‘Hello, breakfast!’ to someone he’s about to dismantle. Anyway, she goes on with, ‘I’d like us to have a little talk just by ourselves, Deborah. We’ll go up to my office. Come along, Josh.’

“So anyway, there we are up in mom’s office, grouped around just like you and I were with her. I mean real close. I was kinda squirming a little at that. You know Debbie is not someone I want to be that close to. But I think mom did it like that deliberately, cause she started right in on Debbie about that episode at the party. I mean, she wasn’t gross about it or anything, just started in saying she wanted to talk about Debbie’s ‘standards of behavior’ and really dressing it up in fancy language. She didn’t get into any specific details, but the whole time she was just glaring straight into Debbie’s eyes and making her understand she knew every detail about that evening and just what she thought of Debbie as a result. And then, just when I figured she was going to let it go at that, she finished up with, ‘And do you really think that pawing at my son’s genitals is going to earn you a place in his heart?’ Debbie just about shit herself! I know I almost did!”

“Christ!” I yelped.

“I actually started feeling sorry for her after I got over being embarrassed. She sat there squirming in her chair. I know damn well she was looking for somewhere to run, but mom had us boxed right in so there was nowhere to go. Now, you have to picture this: mom has never taken her eyes off Debbie’s this whole time. And Debbie has never been able to look away this whole time—talk about a deer in headlights! And after that line, she’s sitting there just absolutely… gabbling, I guess. You couldn’t understand a word she was saying. And mom still has the hairy eyeball on her. After a bit she says, ‘I’m waiting for an answer, Deborah.” She’s been calling her ‘Deborah’ the whole time, you see.”

“God damn!” I breathed. “I really did miss a show. And here I promised myself I was going to get tickets for it.”

“Would have been worth a year’s tuition at the nation’s finest university, my boy. Anyway, when mom said she was waiting for an answer, the gabbling got even worse. And mom still wasn’t going to let her off the hook. She says next, “I want an answer I can understand, Deborah.’ And Debbie is just gabbling even harder. By this time, I’m wanting to lie down on the floor and laugh my guts out. I mean, Debbie looked just like a guppy in a fish bowl. You know, with the mouth just opening and closing, opening and closing?” Josh started laughing right then, just thinking about it. I started giggling too.

“Oh, man, it was just too much! And mom never lets up. Debbie’s got no place to go, mom’s just glaring at her, and I’m trying to keep myself from busting the whole thing up by breaking out laughing. Mom says, ‘I’m waiting, Deborah!’ in a tone of voice that meant she was dead serious. And Debbie finally pulls it together enough to say, ‘What do you want me to say?’ And mom says, ‘I asked you a question and I want you to answer it.’ Well, at that Debbie gets some nerve back and says ‘Well, a lot of good it did me anyway, seeing as how he’s GAY!’ And then she sits back with a smug look on her face, thinking she’s got mom back.”

“Wow!” I breathed. “So how did your mom react to that?”

“It was so cool. Mom just kept looking at her with the glare turned around into a little smile, sort of like ‘Oh you poor, pathetic little thing.’ Then she said, ‘Which you didn’t know at the time anyway,’ and then went right on with, ‘And that particular maneuver will probably not work very well for you anywhere else, after I get through letting all of my friends know about it.’

“Oh, neat! Blackmail!” I crowed. “I love it! Debbie doesn’t get to do Dallas!” At which the two of us broke up into hysterics for the next couple of minutes. “So how did it all end?” I asked, after we had managed to scrape ourselves together again.

“Well, I now suspect Debbie’s bottom jaw is actually hinged like a snake’s, from the way it dropped her mouth open when mom said that. The gabbling started again, and then be damned if mom didn’t reach over and actually clamp her mouth closed with both hands. It was awesome! And she kept her hands right there with her face about two inches from Debbie’s while she said, ‘Now you listen to me, Deborah Harkins. You are just going to march right out of here and back home. You are going to forget all about my son and go about the business of finding yourself other company. You are not going to say one word about my son, even to acknowledge that you know him. Because if you do, I will make very sure that anyone you become involved with, or more particularly that boy’s parents, will know just exactly what kind of girl you are. Do you understand me clearly?’ And there’s Debbie, her head clamped in my mother’s hands, nodding up and down with her eyes bugged out! Super wild!”

“And that was it?”

“That was it, my man. She was out of there so fast she practically burnt a trail in the carpet. So I think our Debbie problem is solved.”

“Man, I know our Debbie problem is solved. You have got one great mom, you know that?”

“Babe, I do know that. And remember, she’s your mom too now.”

“Yeah,” I breathed. And was silent for a bit. “And like I said, I think our Stu problem is solved too!”

“Yeah,” Josh said, sounding kind of hesitant.

“What? You don’t think so?”

“No, it’s not that. I’m just thinking of the next part.”

“What next part?”

“Dad.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh. What’s even better, mom wants you to be here for that.”

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