It was definitely ‘a moment’.
You know, one of those times when something passes between two people, but neither is sure what exactly it was? Something unseen and unheard, but ohhhhhhh, was it felt?
We simply stood there staring at each other. I’m not sure how long for, probably just a millisecond or three, but that was all that was needed. That was all it took for me to think that this was him! This was the guy that I could see myself spending forever with.
Well, the latest guy that could fill that position, anyway!
Then the door opened again, between us, blocking my view of this creature for just a few seconds, as someone else came out of the bathroom.
When the door closed once more he was still standing there, but by now he was looking away, no doubt looking in the direction of where his friends or family or whoever were sitting.
He glanced back at me, then turned on his heels and walked away, while I opened the door to the bathroom, all the while just staring at his retreating back.
Just as I was about to turn away from him and finally walk through the open doorway, that’s when it happened again. My Adonis turned and looked back at me. Then he smiled.
Ahhhhh . . . it’s moments like these!
With trembling hands I somehow, and I don’t know how I managed it, took a piss and didn’t end up drowning my Nike’s. All I could think about was that face, that smile and that body, the images of which were now burned into my memory.
I figured that he was a few years older than I was, maybe even about the same age as Matt. But he wasn’t quite as built as Matt. And as for his features, well it’s kind of hard to describe those sometimes, you know, to find just the right words.
I could see by the way his black t-shirt clung to his body he was quite slim, but thankfully not too scrawny. And beneath the taut fabric I could see the shapes of smooth muscle.
The word ‘defined’ came to mind. Yeah, I suppose defined would be the best word to use.
I mean, he obviously worked out, and his physique was definitely a step up from that which my friends and I possessed, but he still hadn’t reached the bulky stage, which was just what I liked. A few years ago he would have been just another skinny kid, but he had gone beyond that now and he had some shape and beauty about him, yet he hadn’t gone so far as to turn into a muscle bound jock. And with that short-cropped brown hair, dark eyes, and unblemished skin, I reckoned that he was just about perfect!
When I walked back to our table a few minutes later, I was still grinning to myself, even though I hadn’t been able to spot my new obsession again as I crossed the floor of the diner. Matt looked at me kind of strangely as I sat down.
“What?” I asked him.
“I’ve seen that look on guys before, after they’ve come back from the head,” he said, all too seriously. “Please don’t tell me you scored while you were in there!”
“And what of it if I had?” I asked him.
“Hell man,” he said, shrugging. “It’s your life. But I just wouldn’t have taken you as being the type for a rest room quickie!”
“Jesus, Matt! What do you take me for then?”
“So, you didn’t then?”
“Hell no!” I replied, while trying to sound as hurt and wounded as I possibly could. “But I did run into this one guy though! Oh God, Matt. You should have seen him! He was, like . . . perfect!”
Matt just sat there shaking his head at me, then he started laughing and said, “Jesus, you kids are all the same!”
“And just what the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing bud. Nothing at all.”
Picking up another slice of pizza, I bit into it and then started looking around, trying to catch a glimpse of Him, while Matt just sat there across the table from me, watching me, as if he were appraising me.
“So, is he still here?” he asked. “You better point him out to me. I’ll have to make sure he’s good enough for my kid brother.”
“What?” I exclaimed, almost spitting the pizza out all over him.
“Hehe. I thought that might get a reaction. I’m just kidding, dude.”
“Yeah, sure,” I said, still not quite certain of that myself, then resuming my search.
“Well? Can you see him?”
I shook my head
“So, tell me . . . how long have you known that you were . . . ummm . . .”
“Gay?” I said, finishing the question for him.
“Errrr . . . yeah,” he replied, looking around to see if there was anyone else within earshot, which thankfully there wasn’t.
I was glad that we didn’t have to talk softly, or even whisper, but when I thought about it for a second, I probably wouldn’t have done that anyhow. What was my business was my business, and if anyone had of overheard us, then that would have been just too bad.
“I suppose, since I was about twelve,” I answered. “Why do you ask?”
“And you’ve kept it to yourself all this time? Nobody else knows, except for maybe me and your fuck-buddy?”
“How many time do I have to tell you? He’s not my fuck-buddy! He’s my friend. And there’s a few others from school who know, but that’s it.”
“And you and this guy haven’t . . .”
“No, Matt. We haven’t. Jesus, that was the first time we’d ever even so much as kissed!”
“Shit! And I had to go and spoil it for you?”
“Damn straight you did!” I answered, laughing.
“Ah, don’t sweat it. I really don’t think that much else will ever happen between us anyway . . . even though he is a great kisser!”
Matt just raised his eyebrows at me, then shook his head and grinned, before picking up his Coke.
“What?” I asked, knowing full well that something was going on inside that head of his.
“Well, for starters, do you think that Brian feels the same way about that?”
“Come on, Matt. We were just two buddies having a bit of fun. We’re not serious or anything! It’s not like we’re boyfriend and boyfriend or anything!”
“Well, just so long as you are both thinking along the same lines, that’s all that matters, I suppose. If you’re not though, you better just be a bit careful, all right? Otherwise one, or both of you might end up getting hurt.”
I suppose that what he was saying was pretty true, I would have to be a bit careful about what was going on between Brian and me, but surely Brian knew that it was just a bit of fun. Didn’t he?
While I mulled that over in my own mind, Matt finished slurping on his Coke, all the while watching me over the rim of the cup. When he was finished he put the cup back down on the table he asked; “So bud, besides kissing your buddy for the first time, getting outed and having your folks forget you were even born, what else has been going in your life?”
“You really want to know?” I asked, laughing. I still wasn’t one hundred percent convinced that this was all actually happening, that I was talking to Matt like this, and about this stuff, over pizza! Weird!
“Yeah bro. I really want to know. So, give!”
“Well, to tell you the truth, up until my birthday, things have been pretty dull. Since then though, a whole heap of shit has gone down. What’s happened with you, and with mom and dad has only been the tip of the iceberg really.”
“Yeah? Really? Like what then?”
For about a second I thought about not telling him, but then I changed my mind. I took a deep breath, then gave him the works. Everything about Thomas and Leo and Cynthia and Brian. About the first time Leo tried to kill Thomas. Then about the school gymnasium. About the school assembly afterwards. About Stan hacking into the school computers. About our going to try and find Thomas. The whole shebang!
When I had finished, Matt was leaning back in his chair sitting, his elbows resting on the arm rests and with his fingers just touching together in front of his face. For a long while he didn’t say anything, but then he folded his arms in front of himself and leant on the table, leaning forward as if he had something important to say.
“Chad, that’s some serious shit! I mean, that Leo guy actually sounds dangerous. I suppose there’s one in every school though.”
“You better believe it!”
“So, what are you going to do about it all then?”
“What can we do, Matt? I mean, let’s face it, if Leo can do that to Thomas, what chance would the rest of us have? He’s at least a couple of years older than us! And so are his friends!”
“Yeah, I suppose you have a point.”
“We’ll think of something. But if you’ve got any ideas, they might actually come in handy!”
“Let me sleep on it,” was all he said, then he picked up his Coke once more.
“Hey, thanks again for all this. You really didn’t have to, you know. And thanks for listening. I can’t remember anyone ever just sitting down with me and just wanting to talk like this before.”
“Yeah, I did have to do this,” he answered, putting his Coke back on the table. “I’ve been a real asshole to you over the years. You didn’t deserve some of the crap that I put on you.”
“Ain’t that the truth!”
“Anyway, like I said, I just want to get to know you again. The REAL, you. You’re a smart kid Chad, I think you’ll do alright when I ship out again. There’s a lot more to you than meets the eye, I’ll give you that much, bro.”
“Thanks . . . I think.”
“I just want you to promise me something though, will you?”
“Well, first of all . . . I want you to be, ummm, careful, alright? You know, with this whole gay thing!”
“I will be,” I replied. “If I ever get lucky enough to actually NEED to be careful! Now what else?”
“As for mom and dad? Well, just don’t take any crap from them, O.K.? I think they’ll see you in a different light from now on, now that someone has actually pointed out their short-comings. Make sure that they let you get your permit, and don’t let them walk all over the top of you! Stand up for yourself and make sure you get noticed. I don’t think they’ll take you for granted any more. And I don’t think they’ll forget too many more of your birthdays!”
“Nah . . . I don’t think they will either.”
“I’m not going to be here all the time bud, so you’re going to have to look after yourself most of the time.”
“Yeah. I know that.”
“Or find yourself a boyfriend that’s man enough to keep an eye out for you.”
“Hey, I like that idea,” I replied, then automatically started looking around again for him.
“So, is he still here then?”
I was about to say no, that he wasn’t, but just then I noticed a waitress on the other side of the room, who was carrying a tray of food, lean down near a table to put the tray down. As she did so, I caught sight of something dark. Something black! There he was, getting to his feet and looking around the room.
I wondered who it might be that he was looking for. I hoped it was me, but then quickly dismissed that thought, knowing full well that I would have been just another face in the crowd to him.
“Yeah,” I replied. “He’s still here. He’s over there, on the far side of the room. The guy with the black T.”
Matt spun around in his chair to take a look, but in that split second the guy moved off, walking behind a group of people, then behind a pillar.
“Where?” Matt asked. “I can’t see any black shirt.”
“He’s disappeared behind those people over there,” I said, pointing at the group of about a dozen who were bickering about whether or not the table was big enough for them all. “Keep watching. He’ll come out in a second.”
“Yeah, sure,” Matt said.
“Don’t you believe me or something?”
“I didn’t say that, Chad.”
“No, but you thought it!”
“Hey, what’s this? How come all of a sudden I’m the one getting’ interrogated here?”
“Sorry bro,” I answered. “But he WAS there. I swear it!”
“Yeah, alright then. I believe you. Just point him out if you see him again.”
“Yeah, I will,” I answered, while still looking around the room in search of the latest boy of my dreams.
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m done here,” Matt said to, while leaning back in his chair and rubbing his stomach. “Man, it’s good to come and pig out like this every now and then. It mightn’t be the healthiest stuff about, but they don’t give us anything like this onboard. I kind of miss it sometimes.”
“Yeah, I can imagine you would. You were always the junk food addict in our family.”
“It fills the spot,” he said. “So, are you about ready, or what?”
“Yeah, I reckon,” I answered. “Just let me go to the head again first will you? Must have drunk too much Coke or something.”
“Fuck! Alright then. I’ll meet you out at the car.”
“K. Just give me a couple of minutes.”
We got up and Matt headed over to the counter to pay the tab, while I headed for the bathroom, still looking around to see if I could spot the guy, but growing more and more disheartened with every step I took.
He had gone, I was sure of it. And I would never see him again.
Pissed off with myself for not at least talking to the guy earlier, I pushed the door open and with my head down went into the small hallway that served as a foyer (for want of a better word), then pushed through the second door and into the main bathroom. It was empty and so I wandered over to the urinals and proceeded to pull out the old love muscle and point it at the right spot.
When I was done, I zipped up and went over and washed my hands at the basin, while at the same time I heard the familiar squeak of a door from behind me. At first I didn’t take too much notice, until that was, I sensed someone standing there seemingly looking at me, which soon caused my heart to skip a beat. In the mirror that was in front of me, I could see that whoever it was, he was wearing a black t-shirt.
Slowly I turned around to face him.
My god, he was gorgeous.
“Hey,” he said to me. “How’s it going? I saw you earlier, but we got . . .”
“Interrupted?” I offered.
“Yeah, something like that,” he said with a smile.
His voice was smooth and nice, and his presence, along with those few words were all it took to send a shiver through me that was like nothing I had ever felt before.
“I saw you sitting out there. I didn’t know that Matt had a kid brother.”
“You know Matt?” I asked incredulously.
“Yeah, we go back a ways,” he said, nodding.
“That’s awesome,” I replied. “He’s got two kid brothers actually. There’s another one that’s younger than me, that’s Sean. But he’s a real jerk off.”
“I bet he’s nothing like you,” he said, which only caused my cheeks to burn.
“No, he ain’t. He’s an . . .” I answered, before cutting myself short. “Hey, were you just makin’ a pass at me?” I giggled.
“Would it worry you if I was?”
“Errrrr . . . no!”
“Kewl,” he replied. “I’m Blake, by the way,” he said, while stretching his hand out toward me.
“I’m Chad,” I said to him, while shaking his hand.
When we had finished shaking hands we just stood there, unable to let go of each other, unable to tear our eyes away from the other.
‘This isn’t happening,’ I thought to myself.
And that was when the door opened and Matt walked in.
* * * * *
“Holy shit!” exclaimed Cynthia when I was telling them all about it in the cafeteria at lunch the following day. “What happened then?”
“It was like, really weird,” I said. “I mean, they said Hi, to each other, but after that Blake and Matt were just standing there looking at each other. They obviously knew each other, but, I don’t know, it was like they didn’t, you know?”
“Weird!” said Cynthia.
“Yeah, I reckon,” I said. “What do you think Bri?”
“What the fuck would it matter what I think?” he said.
“What?” I asked, my head snapping back in his direction.
“You heard me,” he said, getting to his feet and storming off.
I started to get up to go after him, but a hand on my forearm soon stopped me. It was Stan. Much to my surprise.
“Don’t,” he said to me. “Just leave him be for a while. He’ll cool down.”
“Cool down?” I asked, looking from Stand to Cynthia and back again. “What’s his problem?”
“Do you really need someone to spell it out for you?” Cynthia asked.
“Maybe you better!”
“Chad, I love you, you know that! But sometimes you can be a real asshole. You know that too, don’t you?”
“Think about it lover boy!” she said to me. “Your place. You and Brian. Half naked. Then Matt walks in!”
“Oh. He told you about that then, huh?”
“Errrr . . . NEWSFLASH!!! Yeah, of course he told us! He was that damned excited I thought he was going to pee his pants! Then you come in here and all you can do is tell us about your latest obsession, and everything else that happened.”
“But . . .”
“But what, Chad?”
“It was just a bit of fun. Surely he doesn’t think . . .”
“Chad, that’s EXACTLY what he thinks! Now, the question is, what are you going to do about it?”
I tried to say something. My mouth opened, but that was as far as I got. All I could do was sit there, looking at the two of them, without a clue about what it was that I should say or do next.
“Oh, honestly! Men!” Cynthia exclaimed, before getting up and storming off.
Stan sat there for a few seconds, looking from me to Cynthia’s departing back, then back to me again. I had the feeling that he wanted to say something, but he remained silent. In the end he simply placed his hand over mine and gave a gentle squeeze, then got up and hurried after Cyn, leaving me even more confused than ever.
Somehow we all managed to avoid talking to each other for the rest of the afternoon, even though we all had the same classes. I tried to talk to Brian a couple of times, but he just looked sideways at me, as if he didn’t want to know me even, and when the final bell went at the end of the last lesson, he was first out the door.
I couldn’t let the day finish like this, so I hurried after him, calling out to him and asking him to wait up. It didn’t look as if he was interested though, as he kept walking, straight out the door at the end of the hall and across the school yard.
“For Christ’s sake Bri. Will you stop?” I yelled out to him, attracting some strange stares from the other students around us.
He looked back over his shoulder, but said nothing. It wasn’t until I finally caught up with him and put a hand on his shoulder that he finally stopped and spun around to face me.
“What?” he demanded.
“O.K. Bri, you better tell me dude. I need to know!” I said to him, still trying to catch my breath. “Just what is it that’s up your ass today?”
“Well, it’s obviously not you!” he snapped.
“C’mon Bri. That really wasn’t called for.”
“Look, we really need to talk,” I said to him, almost pleading with him.
“I reckon you just about did enough for the both of us at lunch time,” he replied.
We were standing at the top of the steps that led down to the football field, an island amidst the sea of students heading for the buses and the school gates.
“Yeah, well, I reckon there’s a whole heap more I need to say yet,” I said to him. “I don’t want you to be pissed with me forever.”
“Really? Well, you’ve got a funny way of showing it!”
“Can’t we at least sit down and talk for a few minutes?”
“I’ll give you a few minutes,” he said. “But that’s all.”
“Thanks,” I replied, with my throat dry and my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth.
When we got the chance we dived through the throng and sat down in one of the rows of seats, leaning back and watching a mixed assortment of students training, or making their way across the field, or making out in the bleachers opposite us.
He looked at me, expecting me to say something that would make things right, but as hard as I tried, I still couldn’t quite come up with the words that I needed to say to him.
“You know,” he said after a while. “I thought we might have actually had something? You know, as in, you and me!”
“Like what? Like boyfriends?” I asked. “C’mon Bri, we’ve always said that we weren’t right for each other. We both know that.”
“Then what was that that happened at your place then? Something we did just to confirm it? Or was it something that we did just to pass the time? You know, like watching television or something?”
“Look. You know I love you dude. But not . . .”
He was looking straight at me, waiting for my next pearls of wisdom.
“Well?” he asked.
“Well . . . I love you, but not like that!” I eventually said, looking at my feet as I did so. “More like a brother, if anything. Like the brother that I never thought I would ever have. You know, one that I can talk to, and hang out with, and share stuff with.”
“Yeah? Well now you’ve got Matt back again. If that’s what you want, you can love him and hang out with him and talk to him all you like.”
“That may be so Bri, but that’s not what I want. He’s not what I want. Matt’ll be gone again in a few days, but you’re the one who has always been there for me, just like I’ve always been there for you. That’s how it’s always been, and how it always should be.”
“Is that so?”
“O.K. then. Here’s some news for you,” he said. “I don’t know how long it was that you lusted after Thomas for, but we both know that you’re prayers were never answered, were they?”
I just shook my head.
“Well, just so as you know, I’ve lusted after someone too . . . and for just as long, I might add . . . perhaps longer! Every damn day I prayed that this person would fall into my lap and we’d live happily ever after . . .”
He stopped there, and looked straight at me.
“Then what do you know, one day it actually happens! Him and me, alone together and in each others arms . . .”
Now it was my turn to look straight at him.
“We kissed,” he said, “and I thought all my prayers had been answered. But it wasn’t to be, was it?”
He stopped there and just looked off into the distance, his face looking kind of sad.
“And?” I eventually asked.
“And? Well, just like you found out that Thomas wasn’t the angel you always dreamed him to be, I found out the same thing about my angel too.”
“I . . . I . . .”
“What? You never knew?” he asked.
Once more I simply shook my head.
“Well, now you know!”
“I, don’t know what to say,” I stammered. “I had no idea.”
“Yeah, well, you were always looking elsewhere, weren’t you?” he said, before then getting to his feet and heading off down the steps once more.
I watched him as he walked away, feeling an emptiness inside me that I didn’t quite understand.
When Brian reached the bottom of the steps he stopped for just a moment and looked back up at me, managed to give me a rather sad attempt at a smile, then turned and walked away.Next Chapter Previous Chapter