The Quantum

By Dabeagle

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Chapter Seventeen

Jess dropped me off after school, and I can pretty honestly say I was tired from all the excitement at lunch. It wasn’t all bad though, I wasn’t in a fight and this whole thing with Joey was, I hoped, behind me. I adjusted my backpack as I stepped through the door into the garage. My grandfather was sitting at his desk with the phone propped in the crook of his shoulder. He gave me a nod as I approached.

"Yes Phil, I understand completely," he was saying while pantomiming masturbating an overly large imaginary penis. "Of course we can do that, you just have to let me know when you’re ready." The conversation continued in this vein for a few minutes with my grandfather continuing to make rude gestures to the unseen ‘Phil.’ I stifled my giggles until he hung up the phone with a muttered ‘douche bag.’

"How was school?"

"Eventful," I replied and then filled him in on the happenings at school.

"Well, at least that got straightened out."

"Who was that guy you were talking to?"

"Phil? He’s always calling looking for free advice, wasting my time, always crying the money blues. I have nothing against saving a few bucks if you can, but I run this shop as an hourly employee. If you want the information from me so that you can do the job yourself, well, my time is valuable too. People always want something for nothing."

"Have you ever done any work for him?" I asked as I trailed behind him.

"Always have to fix what he screws up. He’ll go out and buy parts because they are cheaper than mine, and then when they break he blames me. I told him before that I don’t buy the brand of parts he favors because they don’t last. Penny wise and pound foolish," Grandpa shook his head and took a sip of his coffee.

I headed into the house and made myself a snack before sitting at the table with my homework. I never used to do this much homework, but then maybe there was a link in doing your homework and getting better grades? Nah.

I picked up my history book and went back out to my grandfather who was sitting at his desk. I was about to ask him questions about the Roman Senate, and imply he had firsthand experience with their inner workings when the phone rang.

"Nickel’s Garage," he intoned. "Yeah, this is he. Well, I guess if we need to talk we could come down right now." There was a pause as he listened, his face pulling down into a scowl. "Will I need a lawyer in this little pissing contest? All right, we’ll see you in a half hour."

I looked at my grandfather’s troubled expression and waited for him to let me know what we were doing and what the problem was.

"Your father is a first class, grade-A piece of shit. I have a hard time believing we share genes. But, I guess it’s too late for an abortion." He sighed.

"What’s going on?"

"Let’s head for your caseworker’s office." He grabbed his keys and strode towards the door. "She’s going to explain the details, but it would seem that your ass of a father is throwing a monkey wrench into things. I don’t quite understand it all, but … I guess we’ll see."

So, it was with some small degree of apprehension that we took a ride down to the Pennsylvania Department of Child Welfare and met with the lady overseeing my case, from the Pennsylvania side. She was a large woman with a pinched face, and the down-turned corners of her mouth made her appear unhappy and ill tempered. Appearances, in this case, were not deceiving.

"Mr. Nickles, this matter took a serious turn a few days ago and will require some immediate action."

"Well, what matter is that in particular?"

"The case of your grandson, Kristopher Nickles,’ she began.

"You mean the one sitting right here?" Grandpa smirked.

"Yes. The State of New York recovers some costs of removing a child on a PINS petition by garnishing the wages of the parent, or billing them. Franklin Nickles lost his job shortly after New York State began garnishing his wages. The mother, Deirdre, appears to be unemployed or unlocatable. Due to the high cost of sending a child out of state for care, the Division for Youth in the State of New York has advised us that they will be pulling custodial jurisdiction back to the State of New York."

"Ok, how about in plain English?" Grandpa asked.

"The State of New York is unable to recover its costs for placing Kristopher in your care," she began.

"I’m not charging them."

"The State of Pennsylvania charges administrative," she began again, before my grandfather cut her off.

"So you mean to tell me that the great State of Pennsylvania will send my grandson back into an abusive environment despite the fact he has a safe place to be and that it costs them nothing, except that they want to be greedy and charge New York, is that it?" Grandpa sounded calm, but within a razor’s edge of losing said calm.

"In order to cooperate between states, there are certain legal requirements that must be met. This office is responsible to the taxpayers of Pennsylvania, not New York. Kristopher is a New York issue that Pennsylvania is being paid to take care of. Like any good or service, if the consumer will not pay, the service is not provided."

"My grandson is not a good to be bought or sold. How can a person that works with children have such a lousy attitude towards them?" my grandfather demanded.

"Do you want to argue with me all day Mr. Nickles?"

"Can if you like!" he challenged.

"It might be more productive to discuss your options."

"All right, Sergeant; let’s hear them."

The woman didn’t even so much as twitch at the military reference; she simply proceeded like an automaton. I, meanwhile, was feeling a little lower than worms over the way I was referred to and the very scary thought of going back to New York.

"The best option for keeping Kristopher in your place of residence is for Franklin and Deirdre Nickles to give up their parental rights, allowing you to take permanent custody until the day Kristopher turns eighteen. Under this plan, New York State would be removed from the equation and the State of Pennsylvania would be a non-issue.

"You may be able to sue successfully for custody, but that isn’t certain and can be quite costly. If you have any contact with Franklin and Deirdre, that would be the best choice that this department can see."

"Do you see a best option?" my grandfather asked.

"This is not my child, so personal feelings are not involved, Mr. Nickles. This is an administrative office dealing with administrative issues."

"Well, try and fit some compassion into your programming; it’d make people think you weren’t just mindlessly regurgitating information. In fact, people might even like you."

"I am not here for people to like me, Mr. Nickles."

"Well, no danger of that! Kris, let’s go home and call shit-stain." My grandfather stood and placed a hand on my shoulder, then he held my face by the chin and looked back at the social worker, "This is what your job is all about. I don’t know why you missed that or block it out, but look at this face and remember why you do what you do."

We walked out, heading for home and me worried sick. The day, however, wasn’t over yet.

**

My grandfather decided I needed to get out of the house and dropped me off at the mall with some cash to work on my Christmas shopping. He muttered some curses about people who should be shot as he left me at the entrance. I wasn’t entirely sure I was in the mood to go shopping, but there you have it. I wandered inside, aimlessly wandering as I tried to shop for my friends.

Actually, my biggest problem was not blowing all my money on Jake. I’d love to spoil him for Christmas, but not on the budget I have. As it was, I was going to have to convince grandpa I need to spend a few more hours in the shop so that I can have the cash I’ll need, not counting what he gave me today of course. I’m sure he’ll tell me he’s just advancing me my wages or something, conveniently after I’ve spent the cash.

To tell the truth, I was too distracted to shop. My eyes wandered unseeingly over Christmas displays, shoppers and Bryan alike. Oh, there’s Bryan. Oh shit, not right now! He hasn’t spotted me yet, so I’ll just slip away and go back to my thinking. I ducked into a small gift store, one of the temporary ones that opens just for the holiday season. I wandered, half seeing now that Bryan had brought me back to reality a bit.

After making sure I wasn’t spotted, I headed into the food court and got a slushie. I sat contemplating the possibilities of my future, and not seeing many satisfying endings. I know grandpa would do his best, but my parents wouldn’t want to pay, and it wasn’t like they had the extra money even if they did want to pay. Where did that leave me? Probably in a foster home with strangers, that’s where.

Where would that leave Jake and I? Everything that had gone right here would be gone.

"You look like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I hope that’s not my fault," Bryan’s voice came to me from my right. I turned slowly to look at him. The skylights were behind him, framing his face in a wreath of light. His eyes had drifted to that ‘puppy dog’ look that he unknowingly inflicted on me. He looked so sad, and at the same time heartbreakingly cute. It was hard to believe that the face in front of me had ever caused me pain.

"No, it’s not all you." I sighed as I tore my gaze from him. What was I doing staring like that? Jake would be heartbroken to see me looking at someone else like that.

"Okay if I sit with you?"

Bryan’s cheeks were tinted with crimson, probably embarrassed or nervous. A streak of spite ran through me, a combination of my anger for Bryan’s misdeeds and my guilt in finding him attractive at this particularly crazy point in my life.

"I don’t know, think you can handle sitting with a guy that looks at your ass?"

Bryan took a deep breath and took the seat opposite me. "Yeah, about that. I know it’s really not enough to say it, but I am so sorry about that. It was stupid; I don’t know what I was thinking."

My mean streak grew larger, "Probably something along the lines of how grossed out you were. You straight guys just think because you aren’t interested that no one is looking at you. You treat gays like the fat girl in class that likes you. You can’t just be nice and not date her; you have to ridicule her or be angry and disgusted because it’s not up to your standards."

"Kris, really, that’s not it…."

I was rolling along now, pent up frustration and anger venting in a mighty gusher. "So instead of being the nice guy, being my friend, you get pissed and make me into a joke; something for the whole school to laugh about. ‘Look at the little fag.’ You know what? I didn’t even know JR until today, really, but he stood up for Jake and me in the cafeteria today. He wouldn’t have had to stick up for me if it weren’t for you."

Bryan’s face clearly showed hurt, and I felt a twinge of regret for having inflicted that on him. His eyes were shimmering, unshed tears held back, possibly by sheer force of will. Of course, being the softy that I am, my anger melted at the sight of his unhappy face.

"I can’t apologize enough, Kris. I never meant to hurt you; I don’t know why I reacted the way I did. I just never thought of any guy ever … looking at me." He leveled his watery gaze with my own, "I know I was wrong, and I am not disgusted. I … God, this is harder than I thought. I never pictured you this angry when I ran this over in my head."

"Elves can get mad too," I replied in a conciliatory tone.

"Kris, even if you don’t forgive me, I want you to know this. I know I was wrong, I don’t think of myself as all that great looking and I was surprised that someone … a guy could find me attractive. It just never occurred to me. I was surprised and … shocked and … a little bit hurt when you get down to it, to realize that you hadn’t told me, that no one had. But after I reacted the way I did, maybe you all knew me better than I thought.

"Kris, I’m really sorry."

"You really don’t think anyone looks at you?"

Bryan shifted uncomfortably. "It just never occurred to me that guys could find me…"

"Cute?" Ok, I admit, I was having some fun watching him squirm. Call me sadistic.

"Well, yeah. You think I’m cute?" Bryan asked shyly. Well, that backfired. Without my anger to fuel me, I was a little more hesitant to answer, but made the quick decision that being bold had gotten me this far in this conversation -- in for a penny in for a pound.

"Very much. I thought so the first time I met you, and when I realized you were straight and I couldn’t have you … I gave you up."

"You actually … you were trying to get me and Jess together? Because you thought I was cute?"

"No, Bryan, because I …" I mustered my reserves, "because I fell in love with you. I believe that when you love someone you do what’s right for them, and not for yourself. I knew I wasn’t the right person for you, and wouldn’t ever be. What I wanted from you wasn’t what you needed. So I gave you up."

Bryan remained silent, chewing over this. I felt an eerie calm settling through me. I had just told a guy I loved him, the second one in a few months, and I was still breathing.

"You’re a pretty strong person you know that? To survive all you have, to be where you are and to be such a good friend." Bryan sighed, "Do you still love me, Kris?"

Ok, now I felt embarrassed. But I wasn’t going to stop now. "Yes, Bryan, I do. I don’t know why. I know I am still pissed and hurt, but I do."

"This will sound kind of weird but …"

"You say that like this whole conversation, in a shopping mall food court, isn’t surreal to begin with."

"Well, yeah. But I am going to ask anyways. Do you love me because of my looks or…"

"I love you for the person I thought you were," I deliberately said that in the past tense. "I was attracted to your looks. Love isn’t about looks, Bryan. It’s about something more, something beneath the surface."

"I’m not sure what I did to earn that," Bryan said, looking away from me.

"How about the day in your kitchen when I lost my mind? You were the best friend I could have asked for then. I loved you more than ever, and I realized I couldn’t ever hold you." It was my turn to look away.

"Kris, I’m sorry for what I did. If you’ll give me a chance, I’ll try to be worthy of your love. I don’t want to lose that."

"You never did."

We sat in a silence that was slightly uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure what to say to Bryan anymore. Unfortunately Bryan returned to form without much of a delay.

"So, Jake and I have been having some really intimate talks about you guys lately, after I apologized of course," Bryan smiled at me.

"Bryan, if you want Jake to live I suggest you not finish any sentence that includes ‘Jake’, ‘Kris’ and intimate. I will kill you both in your sleep. I swear it."

"I told him I really didn’t want to know," Bryan smiled at me.

"I’ll kill him," I said quietly.

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