A Light in the Dark

A Sanitaria Springs Story

By Dabeagle

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“Okay, I have to go to work. Good luck with your shadow,” Ash said with a laugh. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” I told him and disconnected. Not going to lie, life is pretty good right now. Ash and I are in a good place mentally, romantically. Maybe the healthiest we've ever been. We're both going to community college first; he's doing general studies, 'cause he's really not sure what to do yet. I'm leaning a lot toward something medically related, so I'm going to start getting all the basic courses done a lot cheaper. It'll be nice that we can see each other on campus sometimes, maybe not feel like we're too far apart.

I brushed my teeth and went downstairs to pull on my coat and sneakers.

“Where are you off to?” my dad asked, coming out of the kitchen with a coffee cup in hand.

“Meeting Bryce. He wants to hang out and talk.”

Dad sipped from his cup. “He's had a tough go of it. Kind of interesting that he found you.”

I paused for a moment. “Yeah. Not the usual way to meet people, I guess.” I pulled on a beanie and waved to my dad before heading to my car. I turned on the butt warmer – just the lowest level. I don't understand why anyone needs their ass to be on fire with that top heat setting. As I pulled out and started the drive over to Bryce's foster family's house, I couldn't help but think about how I got into this.

I can't say I ever dreamed of being a big brother. I was messed up enough without trying to help someone else. Funny thing, though, is that everyone is messed up, whether they realize it or not, whether they admit it or not. That took me some time to work out and accept in therapy, and once you realize we're all working without a net, shit gets truly scary. I guess, though, your safety net is the people you love who love you back.

There's all these things life throws at you, and it really is just...life. Parents that never marry. Mothers that get cancer. Strangers who pull you in and become your family – legally and in your heart and brain.

I think...empathy is when you really start to become a whole person. It wasn't until I spiraled down to the bottom myself that I really gained the perspective to realize how much I'd hurt other people because I was in pain myself. So many things I'd had to work on: stuff about my mom dying, some confusion and anger over my dad and that situation. My imagined expectations for myself and how they were at war with my increasing emotions about Ash.

I stopped thinking about labeling myself. Some days I felt more straight. I'd think about a girl or an old girlfriend and intimacy with them, and maybe even kids and a house. I don't think about that as much anymore. Some days I guess I'd say I feel more gay. I do notice some other guys sometimes, but not a whole lot. Mostly it's with Ash, and I don't have to imagine intimacy or even pretend, like you do maybe when a relationship isn't quite right – or is very wrong – or awkward. I guess most of the time I'm just this human meter that goes from mostly straight to really gay in some situations. It can be tiring to nail down, so I don't really try to anymore. It's not so much about hitting a moving target as it is not worrying about it anymore.

I'm a guy. I'm actually totally in love with another guy. That guy gives me more love than I can handle sometimes. That makes me Sean, and that's all I need to be.

Unless we're talking about Bryce. Complicated really should be his middle name. That's not his fault, really. His mom is just a terrible human. She's a narcissist, and she's put Bryce down in just about every way you can. Bryce fakes being okay pretty well, but I know some days he struggles to keep his shit together – more than he should have to.

His stepfather was abusive to him, and his mother won't leave the man, which means the county isn't sending him back there. The dad got probation for his abuse, and the family counseling has been a disaster. Bryce had an uncle he's mentioned a few times, but the guy travels most of the year for work, so he's not really available to help Bryce out. He's offered financial help, which isn't nothing; he just can't physically be there.

Bryce's dad is something of a mystery to me. He's only ever mentioned that his dad got out of the picture when he was about six, and his mother made him call the new guy dad. For now he lives with a gay couple, Joe and Ansel, and that seems to be mostly okay. Joe is really calm, Ansel tries to give Bryce guidance, and they are both just there for him. Bryce also has a patient boyfriend named Riley that he cares a lot for. Sometimes he breaks down inside and feels like he's not worth the trouble and Riley'll break up with him. Or he used to. Riley seems to see something in Bryce that makes the situation worth it to him.

Bryce hasn't really met the rest of the family, but then the family's kind of changing too. Many of us are graduating this year and headed off to the next big thing. Not that they wouldn't help him, but I guess...the number of people at the high school level who fit into this group is getting smaller and smaller. Sad to think about, in a way. I'm not sure where I'd be if it weren't for what I got from them. I hope one day Bryce is the guy to help someone else.

Bryce, or as Ash affectionately calls him, my shadow, has come a long way. He used to bounce back and forth about hanging out because of his own insecurities. These days I think he sees me like his big brother, and I'm proud to be that for him. I don't plan time to hang out with him as such, but I do make an effort to see him instead of just texting. I know I always had an open line to my family, and I wanted him to know there was someone who was always there for him.

I'm not really sure when I made that transition from being someone that needed the reassurance of an open line to call when I felt the need to being the person to be called on, but I feel like it's a good thing. That it makes me a better human.

I pulled up to Joe and Ansel's house, and my phone dinged. I shut the car off and looked at my screen, figuring it'd be Bryce wanting to know where I was, but no. Ash had sent me a selfie of him at the register at work. I texted back that I knew what I wanted to order, and he sent me another selfie with a big grin on his face. I texted Bryce to say I was there and then headed for the front door and knocked.

Joe opened the door and smiled at me. “Hi, Sean. Come on in.”

“Thanks. How's things?” I asked as I stepped in. Joe was the actual foster parent – like, he'd been registered before Ansel moved in. He was tall and on the thin side, a black man with a deep voice that didn't match his frame and hair going gray.

“Things are good. He had a good week at school, but I guess the county is making a real effort to find his dad. I think he's a little nervous about the idea – and you know all about 'Nervous Bryce'.”

I smiled. “Yeah. He didn't break up with Riley, did he?”

“No, thank goodness,” he said, heading toward the kitchen, and I followed him. “Riley, bless that boy, really cares and is just so patient. I think Bryce is starting to get the idea Riley actually likes him.” Joe laughed, and I grinned. “He was just showering; should be out in a minute.”

“He said Ansel has him working at the garage?”

Joe waved a hand. “Not in the garage itself. Bryce doesn't seem to have much mechanical interest, but he doesn't mind the computer, so he's been doing some data entry for them. You know, entering the invoices for parts and attaching them to the customers' bills. Ken checks them over, but Bryce has been doing a good job – and that's helped them out a lot.”

I sat on a stool at his kitchen island. “That's good.”

“And I have to say his friend's mother, Mrs. Fernandez, is a delight. He has some good friends – though it's kind of funny he's dating a cousin of one of his friends. I'd imagine there are opportunities for awkwardness.”

“Sounds like Bryce,” I replied, grinning. “I just wonder if Jo starts the awkwardness or if it's Bryce.”

Joe shook his head. “Those two.” His eyes went wide. “But you get the three of them together? Jesus wept.”

I grinned. “I think that's why my parents have a basement room to send us kids to.”

Joe shook his head with a smile. “It's not so bad. I don't mind it, most of the time. It means he's getting comfortable and feels safe, so I can put up with some noise. So where are you guys going?”

“Well, I figured we'd get a coffee and go shoot pool again. See if he can keep the balls on the table this time.”

“You're so funny,” Bryce said as he entered the room. He was dressed warmly, in joggers, a tee shirt that was a little long in him and a hoodie. “I smoked you, but you were cheating.”

“Cheating? How exactly?” I asked.

“I'm not sure; I just know it was happening,” Bryce said confidently.

“On that note,” Joe said with a smile, “I'm going to bring Ansel some lunch, as he forgot it. He works too much; Sunday should at least be a day off.”

I turned to follow Bryce, who did a funny shuffling walk in his socks to the front door. He popped on his shoes and pulled up his hood, and we went to my car. Once inside I started asking about the cheating allegation again, and we batted that back and forth for a few minutes. I pulled into the lot at Perks, and we went inside. Our orders were kind of simple. I was a little surprised when Bryce paid. Seems like the big brother pays, but you know, maybe it was a good thing. I was surprised again when he headed for a table rather than going back to the car. Curious, I followed him.

He chose a small, two-seat table, and we settled in opposite each other. He put his hands around the cup, then quickly raised it to sip and set it back down. Now that it was just us, he seemed nervous.

“Everything okay?”

He frowned for a moment and then leaned back and let his expression relax. “Why do you do this? Hang with me? Don't you get tired of all my shit?”

I shook my head. “Nope.”

He waited a beat. “But why?”

I tilted my head. “At first it was just because you were someone that could use some help, and you chose me. Now? Now you're my friend.” I felt silly admitting to feeling like he was like a little brother, instead choosing a middle ground. “My friends, as you know, are like my family.” I shrugged. “I like you. I like that you're trying and making progress. Do I need better reasons?”

He shrugged and shifted on his chair. “I've been talking with my therapist, and sometimes it seems like a waste, but sometimes...I think about stuff.” He hunched forward a bit, looming over his drink. “It kind of came up about how people do things, mostly, because of what we get out of it. Like...our self-interest, motivations and stuff.” He turned his cup between his hands. “So I started to look around me. Wonder about people in my life.”

I leaned back, took a sip and then asked, “So what do you come up with?”

He pursed his lips and looked away from me. “Joe and Ansel are obvious. They get a check.”

Quietly I asked, “Do you really think that's why they do it? I mean...they both have jobs. They don't look like they would be hurting without whatever foster parents get.”

His gaze drifted back toward me, but his eyes were cast down. “I mean, it's part of it, right?”

I chuckled, and he looked at me quizzically. “Bryce, if they didn't like you or you were such a problem, they could send you back. Right? Get someone else if the check was all they needed. Right?”

“I mean...I guess?”

“Well, they must like you then. I guess it means they value you beyond a check.”

His gaze shifted left and right, but didn't settle on me. I leaned forward.

“Bryce.”

He pushed his lips tighter together and lifted his gaze to meet mine.

I smiled at him. “You're a good, decent guy. People are here for you because you're you. I mean I'm not getting money out of this.” I grinned. His lips quivered, and my heart broke a little. “Listen. It's easy to say you can't base your self-worth on other people. I used to wonder why Ash could love me after what I put him through – for months. I wasn't trying to hurt him, but while I was...lost and trying to understand myself.”

He squinted a little. “I never really asked you...what that meant. I mean...I know you dated girls before. Is that it? The bi stuff?”

I bobbed my head side to side. “Pretty much. It was hard for me to see myself being with a guy to start with. Then I had ideas in my head about what my mother would have wanted or expected of me. Confusion after Ash and I started getting more physical. It was...a really tough mental journey. A lot of the time I felt pretty bad, got down on myself, and I even ended up in the hospital.” I leaned forward a bit. “I wondered how anyone could still love me. Especially Ash, who I'd hurt more than anyone else and who, honestly, only ever showed me love.”

His gaze was fixed to mine. “And...what? I mean how did you...what did you figure out?”

I drank from my cup and smiled at him. “First I had to be honest with myself, in the positive and the negative, bro. Sometimes when you look at the bad things it can feel like there's no hope. It's hard to know where to draw that line between what you're responsible for and what you're not. Take this. When we were texting early on, sometimes I'd call you out. Tell you I wasn't your enemy. I was always willing to go back to listening to you, but I needed that line of you being respectful – because if you didn't respect me, you were never going to listen.”

He squirmed. “That, and I pissed you off.”

“Actually, not so much.”

He narrowed his eyes. “How?”

I shrugged. “I understood where you were coming from. You weren't mad at me. You had all this shit swirling around you, and it was overwhelming.” I paused. “Think of it like when they teach you how to help someone that's drowning. You have to calm them, otherwise they pull you down with them. I knew you were just trying to grab onto something, so I had to make sure I could help you and not pull us both down.”

He leaned back and rubbed the back of his head. “Pretty amazing. What you did, I mean. Helping a stranger.”

“Eh. You're not so strange,” I said with a grin. “Besides, helping is a reward. I hope one day you're going to help someone else who needs it.”

He blew a breath out. “I don't know, bro. I'm feeling like I'm just hanging on, you know?”

“Sure,” I said with a nod. “So tell me. What's making you question yourself? You're not perfect, but you're a good guy. So why the doubt?”

He took a drink and then looked down into his cup. “The county is trying to find my dad. I mean...my father.”

I leaned forward. “You haven't seen him since you were little, right?”

He blew out a slow, unsteady breath. “Yeah. He was just up and gone one day.” He swallowed. “My mom said-”

“Hey, no offense, but fuck whatever your mom has to say.”

He looked up slowly and then nodded. “Yeah. Actually, yeah. I can't trust her anyway.” He looked away. “Kind of sucks to say you can't trust your mom.”

“Yeah, I can only imagine. But I can tell you this – you're not responsible for your parents.” I leaned back as his gaze slowly moved back to mine. “Ash's parents were the fucking worst. Running out on him, treating him like crap, not feeding him or getting him decent clothes. Look at him now. Sure, he's got clothes, a home where he's safe, and I'm not underestimating that. But I challenge you to look at Ash and say he's not a good, kind, decent person.”

A tiny smile played about his lips. “I don't know what he sees in you.”

“Bro, there are times I've wondered myself. But my point is, I looked around at the people that cared about me. I saw good people; I figured if these good people see something in me, then maybe I need to take a different look at myself. And Ash? He's proof that your parents don't define you. So even though your mom's a cunt, and I say that with my whole chest, it doesn't matter what your father is – it's no reflection on you.”

“Kind of easy to say,” he said softly.

“Yeah. It's too easy. Too easy to think those words don't matter. But look around you – for real. Jo and Fern? Fern's family? Joe and Ansel? I'll include me. Ash. Let's not forget Riley. All these people don't look at you and write you off because your parents are shit. We see you.”

He took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I...yeah.” He looked up. “Thanks. I just...sometimes can't see it.”

“I got you.”

He laughed and ran a hand over his face, pushing past both his eyes. “Man, I wish I'd been born into your family.”

“You were. It just took a while to find each other. That's all.”

He sniffed and looked around us. “So. How did you know you were...um, in love?”

“Oh. Well, damn, that's not an easy one.”

He raised an eyebrow. “It's not?”

I shook my head, blew out a breath and laughed. “Bryce, hand to God, it took Ash letting me figure it out and just being there.” I crossed my arms in front of me. “Ash told me he liked me, and I was impressed he was brave enough to do it. So. We hung around each other, and sometimes it was a little awkward, even if I tried not to show it.” I smiled at him. “It's tough not feeling that interest coming off someone, you know? I wasn't there, though. Took a long time for me to admit I was even curious. But Ash...he wouldn't make a move.” I snorted and laughed. “He said I had to make the first move. He wanted it to be my decision. My choice.” I sucked on my teeth and grinned at him. “I did. I chose him. It still wasn't easy. We had some bad times, and he should have left me. Bryce, as I sit here with you I'm telling you honestly, he should have left me. But...he gave me the chance to earn his trust, and he never stopped loving me. Never stopped being able to see something in me no one else could – or maybe it's just that not many people could.”

Bryce wiggled his nose and then grabbed a napkin and blew his nose. Balling up the napkin and putting it inside his empty cup, he said, “I think I love Riley.”

“I...thought that was kind of obvious?”

Bryce shook his head. “I mean more than just saying it. More than...a crush. Real shit.”

I folded my hands under my chin and looked at him. “Yeah? How you feeling about that idea?”

He let out an embarrassed little laugh. “Good. I mean, mostly good. I...you know, I wonder sometimes about why he's even still here. I know I annoy him sometimes.”

“But he's slowly wearing you down? Making you believe?”

“Ehhh, I'm not sure. I mean...he's great. I was really impressed with him the first time we met. He's so fucking cute, but he's also super smart.” He let out a breath. “He's really trying to make us work.”

“Okay, yeah, sure. But can the boy kiss? That's important, you know,” I said with a teasing tone.

“He can kiss,” he said confidently. “I wasn't his first, that's for sure. You can tell he's had some practice.”

I chuckled. “Nice. So you think you're in love.”

His expression melted toward neutrality, and he fumbled his fingers together. “I...I don't know if I can trust what I think is going on.” He looked up at me and tapped his chest with his open palm. “I know what I'm feeling isn't your normal, puppy-love kind of feeling. I've had that. I've had crushes, and there's some of that, for sure.” He took a breath. “But it's different.”

I waited a beat. “A good different?”

He pressed his lips together and nodded while swallowing. “Very good. But....”

I raised an eyebrow. “Good, but?” I held my hands out at my sides.

He blushed a little and looked away for a moment. “I'm just...thinking about what's supposed to be...you know, next.”

I nodded. “Let me stop you there. Nothing has to happen until you're ready.”

He swallowed. “Did you....?”

I sighed and then gave him a little smile. “Look. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, okay? I just want to point out some stuff.” I tilted my head to him and widened my eyes.

He shifted in his chair. “Yeah, okay.”

“You've had a really, really hard road. It's going to stay messy for a while. I know Riley's lucky to have you, and I'm sure you're lucky to have found someone like him. He sounds like a really good person from everyone I know that's ever met him.” I held a finger up. “Be careful with how fast you move in your relationship. With everything else so messy, it's easy to let this one get that way, too.”

He looked around for a moment before rubbing his face again. “We kind of...did...some stuff.”

My chest clenched a little. “Okay. Did you want to?”

He looked up quickly. “Yeah! I mean. Yeah, I did. It wasn't...we didn't go that far. It was...bro, it was the best feeling.”

I swallowed and nodded. “Yeah. It usually is.”

He leaned back in his chair and looked a bit more confident. “It was the night he set up the camping thing on the back porch. After I screwed up being able to go on that trip?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“It was just like...I don't talk to other people like you and me. Not even Fern and Jo, really. I mean some, but you get the gay side a lot better than they do. They still don't really see the connection that it's all the same thing. But maybe you get it when I say...I just didn't have to worry for a while. All the stuff in my head went quiet, and it was just me and Riley. Ever since shit really went down with my mom and stepdad, my mind hasn't been a quiet place, you know? Does that make sense?”

I nodded slowly. “Sure. You're safe with Riley.”

“Yeah! But the thing is...I have all this other stuff going on – whatever's going to happen about my mom and stepdad, if I'll still be with Joe and Ansel – which is already a lot. Now they're trying to find my father, and what will that mean?”

I shrugged. “I don't know, Bryce. Best I can say is while you have that out of control stuff, remember you've got stable things too. All the people I already mentioned, which outnumber those other things.” I leaned forward. “I'm not saying there isn't stuff that's uncertain, but don't let that wipe out that there are plenty of things that are certain, that you can count on.”

He rubbed the side of his nose. “I just...I want to tell him I love him. That I think I love him for real. I want him to know it's not just something to say. But...how do you know?”

I smiled. “Fuck if I know.”

He laughed at me. “For real, bro.”

“Nah. I honestly think it's different for everyone. Look at my oldest brother and his husband. Kale is uptight, and I don't even know how he has a little kid, because if that kid gets stains on Kale's clothes, I think he'll have a stroke!” We laughed, and I continued. “Robin and Lu are that couple. Like, I'm sure they run home between classes for a quick fuck, you know? And they get all butt-hurt if someone points out how sexual they are, but then....” I sighed. “But they are probably the most romantic couple I know, too. Jamie's got a better relationship now with Emily because they went through some shit. I mean...that's how you know what you have, I guess. When things get hard, if they bail on you....”

“I've been kind of tough to date,” Bryce said quietly. “Riley keeps letting me blow up and then helping me put things back together.”

I nodded. “And that speaks to him and the quality of who he is. But it also speaks to where you're at right now.” I folded my hands together. “Look, this is my concern for you. Everyone needs love and companionship. At some level, we all do. Some people – like Lu and Robin – need to not be apart. People like Kale and Chase have adapted more practically. Maybe it's because they are older, different situation or it's who they are or some combination of all of it.”

“And you and Ash?”

I scratched my cheek and smiled at him. “We're a bit more like Chase and Kale. We can do our own thing, but we prefer to be together.”

“But...how did you know you were in love? That it was more than just a crush or, um, lust?”

I sighed. “Again, I think love is different for everyone. Some people will say it's an overwhelming thing and it can just wipe you away. Someone else thinks it's this beast you can never feed enough to or get enough of. Some people think it's this gentle, fragile thing, and others think it's just random chemicals in our brains and it doesn't matter.”

He shifted on his chair. “What do you think?”

I rubbed my hands together slowly. “I think...it's a living thing. Sometimes it's there when you don't realize it, but that doesn't change the fact it's there. When you realize it, you can either neglect it into dying or care for it and strengthen it.” I looked away. “But it's not just your responsibility. Others have to care for it as well to make it strong.”

He cleared his throat. “Why are you looking like that?”

I looked back at him and tried to give him a reassuring smile. “Because there are times love between Ash and me was only kept alive because of him. After all I've put him through, I can finally see that so much more clearly, and I...I just try every day to care for that and feed it.” I cleared my throat. “Because for a long time I didn't feel like I was someone that could be loved. I hurt him, and I know I wasn't worthy of him, and I was angry and ashamed of myself.”

Bryce's eyes got wider. “I can't...really see that. Not you.”

I smiled grimly. “Bryce...sometimes when we talk I think maybe you feel a little like I did. Like what your mom has done to your self-worth makes you think someone good – maybe someone like Riley – won't love you back. Maybe that no one could really love you.”

Bryce fidgeted with his napkin.

“I'm living proof you have to learn to be okay and love yourself first. I know it sounds like crap, but it's the truth. It doesn't mean you think you're perfect or have nothing to get better at. It just means you're okay with who you are and you're good with working on yourself.” I shook my head, looked down and blew out a breath before looking at him again. “My mom always told me things to build me up. Sure, she got mad at me and gave me consequences and stuff, but she was a good mom. Your mom has problems. She chooses her own comfort and happiness over your mental health, over your physical health. There's no way that doesn't undermine your self worth, no matter how much you might tell yourself it doesn't.”

Bryce scratched the back of his head and looked down at his hands. “That's...kind of came up. In therapy.”

“The good news is...everyone that's around you knows your mom was wrong. If you feel like you love Riley, he deserves to know that. I think he'd really want to know that.”

Bryce wiped at his eyes and then rubbed his face. “Argh!” He dropped his hands and smiled at me. “Bro. I wish I'd known you a long time ago.”

I laughed. “My pastor says God puts people in your life when you need them.” I sighed. “I wish I could agree, because what's the point of putting assholes in our lives?” I shook my head.

Bryce nodded his head and blew out a long, slow breath. “Bro. I love you.”

I met his gaze, his eyes shifting as if he expected to be ridiculed. Waiting for the blow to fall.

“I love you too, Bryce.” I grinned. “Like an annoying little brother, to be clear.”

He laughed and wiped at his face again. “Fuck. Can we go play pool now?”

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

After we spent a few hours shooting pool and having some laughs, I brought him back to Ansel and Joe's. I watched him for a minute as he headed up the walk and opened the door. He turned in the doorway and made a shooing gesture and then waved as he closed the door. I didn't want to go right home; I was feeling good about the day and just wanted to extend that vibe. I pulled over to get a coffee and sent Ash a text, wondering how his shift was going. He replied that he was getting out early since they were dead and was headed home. I asked if he wanted a coffee, and I offered to meet him. He said he'd grab sandwiches from his store for us and said yes to the coffee.

So I headed to Ash's house, pulling up to park on the street. His brother, Scott, let me in, and I greeted his parents as I headed into the kitchen, where Ash was sitting with our food. I put his coffee in front of him and sat down.

“So. How was your hangout with Bryce?” he asked, then thanked me for the coffee and sipped.

I scrunched my face up. “It was...good. Sad, in some ways, but good.”

“Why sad?”

I sighed. “Just how his mom is such crap. I guess the county is trying to find his father, and he hasn't seen him since he was little, so he doesn't know what's going to happen with that. But maybe the most sad thing was that he wants to tell Riley he loves him.”

“I thought he would have already.” Ash tilted his head. “Why is that sad?”

I sighed. “Because he's kind of in the head space I was a while back, thinking he's not worth someone loving him back. Maybe being afraid of that.”

“Oh. Well, I'm glad he could tell you something like that.” Ash smiled. “I think he's been good for you.”

I snorted, but smiled at him. “Oh yeah?”

“Sure. I mean I always knew you were wonderful, but you didn't believe me. Now look at this; someone needs some of that in their life, and you just step up and hand it over.”

I rolled my eyes and smiled with embarrassment. “Well, it does make me feel good to help him.”

“So...do you think he'll tell Riley? That he loves him?”

I sipped my drink. “I hope so. He's got to tell someone besides me, sometime.”

Ash laughed. “So you enjoying having a little brother?”

I took a bite of my sandwich to turn that over in my head. “I'm not sure if 'enjoy' is the right word. Bryce...when he first reached out, I was thinking someone might be messing with me. I couldn't understand why anyone would look at me and say 'Yeah, he's going to help me out'.”

Ash sipped from his drink. “Well, maybe he didn't. Maybe he took a chance because he needed someone and you had something in common, having both dated girls at one time.”

I nodded. “Yeah, there was that.” I thought for a moment. “I'm surprised how much I worry about him, though.”

“Like a good big brother,” he said indulgently.

I laughed. “I do feel like that for him. He's just got so much uncertainty right now. So much crap that undermines his self worth.” I looked at Ash. “He seems like a decent guy. I mean I don't know him-”

“Sure you do,” Ash argued. “He opens up to you, so you get to hear what's in his head. He tells you what he doesn't tell other people, even ones he cares for, maybe.”

I shifted in my chair. “From what he says...he's just insecure. He doesn't believe in himself.”

Quietly Ash said, “ I think you know something about that. He's lucky to have someone like you to worry about him.”

“Okay, enough with all the praise,” I said with a smile. “I finished all my paperwork to start school in the fall. Did you?”

He sighed. “No. Most of it, but I'm not done yet. I mean, we don't graduate for a few months. I have time, right?”

“Sure, but to get the classes you want, you have to apply early, before they fill up. That's what my dad says, anyway.”

“Yeah, my mom has been on me, too. Well,” he said as he balled up his wrapper. “Want to help me finish?”

“Sure.” I balled up my trash too, and after tossing it out I followed him back to his room with our drinks. He pulled out his laptop, and we settled in beside each other on his bed while he opened his account for the college. He didn't really need my help, of course; it was more about vibing together. We looked at the requirements for his degree and back to the list of classes he could take and filled out a schedule, then it was on to the application paperwork that he'd only gotten partway done. He needed some financial information, so he got up and went out into the living room to ask his parents while I waited.

I thought about Bryce, of course, and worried for him about what Riley might say when Bryce admitted his feelings – real feelings. I think it'll be okay; Riley has proven his interest in Bryce isn't just skin deep. I thought too about where Bryce seemed to be heading – sex – before the subject changed. I worried that he was reaching for Riley too hard, too fast, because he didn't feel like he was worth it on his own. It's a terrible feeling when you don't think you're really worthy of love.

It occurred to me in that moment that Bryce telling me he loved me was probably a huge moment for him. He'd probably felt that there was a risk of rejection, even from me.

“What's that look for?” Ash asked, coming back into the room.

“What look?”

“I don't know,” he replied, setting his closed laptop aside. “Worried? Lost in thought?” He crawled back onto the bed and rested his head on my chest, placing his hand on my stomach. “Is it Bryce?”

I chuckled. “You must be sick of hearing about him.”

“No, not really. You don't obsess over him or anything, but it seems like he had big stuff to share with you today; it makes sense you're thinking about him.”

I sighed and rubbed his back. “He was starting to head down the road, I think, to ask me about if he should have sex with Riley.”

Ash grunted, but said nothing.

“He asked me how I knew I was in love,” I said quietly.

Ash shifted a little, snuggling into me. “Big stuff. Now I really get why it's on your mind. Did he say when he'd talk to Riley?”

I shook my head. “No. I was kind of surprised how personal the conversation got. I thought we were just grabbing a coffee on the way to shoot pool, so when he decided to sit down in the shop, I wasn't expecting it. He said he doesn't talk to anyone else like he does with me. I really felt that. Like...it had weight.”

“I can't imagine.”

I snorted. “You don't have to. I talk to you like that. Scott does, probably, in his way. Jamie has.” I squeezed him a little. “And you know how much I love you.”

He nodded, his head rubbing against my chest. “I do. And you know how much I love you. Plus we've had some pretty personal conversations, so yeah I guess you're right – I don't have to imagine.” He tilted his head so he could look up at me. “But I also know why he'd have that kind of talk with you.”

“Stop,” I whined at him, smiling a bit. I paused and ran my fingers through his hair. “He said he loved me.”

Ash smiled. “You mentioned. Must have really felt important. I hope you told him you love him, too.”

I stilled my hand for a moment and then resumed as he put his head back down on my chest. “I did tell him I loved him, too.”

“It's obvious. You worry about him. He's definitely your little brother. Plus I think he needs that validation.” He paused. “We should tell people when we love them, don't you think?”

“I was thinking that myself,” I replied. I was thinking that it was amazing Ash wasn't even a bit jealous. Like he had no thought that Bryce might be after me in some romantic way. Maybe I was just being foolish.

There's a lot of things I love about Ash and my relationship with him, and moments like these are right at the top of my list. Quiet moments where we just lay together, comfortable with each other and feeling the closeness we share. Eventually I had to head for home. We still had a few months left of school before graduation, and while my parents were not exactly pushing things like bedtimes and curfew, I didn't want the headache that would come with an accidental breaking of said rules at the wrong time.

I spent a few minutes annoying Jamie when I got home before heading to my room. I got changed and settled in, wishing that life were like a story where there would be this bit of perfect timing where Bryce would text me and say Riley said it back or something. I thought I could relate to him as far as wondering about his father. I know I'd wondered about mine, when my mom told me I was going to meet him. I'd asked her questions, but Bryce didn't even have that much. It must be twisting him up at times.

That sent me down a path that made me wonder a lot of what ifs. What if his dad wanted him and took him away? What if his dad rejected him and further damaged his self-worth? What if he wanted to stay here and his dad made him leave? What if his dad was some recovering alcoholic or meth-head? How would that affect Bryce? In a very real way I was helpless and could only try to be there for Bryce with whatever happened next.

As I closed my eyes that was the one thing I had to hold onto. The best thing I can do is just be there for him.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

A week later I was still waiting on that storybook moment where Bryce gave me the good news. Of course I'd had other things to do – school, work, hanging out with Ash and my friends and family, so I wasn't focused on him. We texted, but he didn't say anything about his father or Riley, so I didn't bring it up. Ash and I were out getting tacos when I got a text from Bryce asking me if I could come over, that it was important.

I looked up at Ash. “It's Bryce. He says it's important.”

Ash nodded. “Let's pay up then.” Soon we were at Joe and Ansel's house, with Joe answering the door.

“I thought we might see you,” he said with warmth. “Glad you could come.”

“Is he okay?” I asked.

Joe greeted Ash and turned back to me after closing the door. “I think he's confused, but also upset.” Whatever else he might have said was cut off when Bryce entered the room with Riley trailing behind him.

“Hey,” Bryce said, sounding congested.

“Hey. Are you sick?” I asked, making the sign of the cross at him.

He let out a little laugh and shook his head. Riley answered for him: “It's been a weird day.”

“Why don't you guys go sit down? I can make tea, or we have lemonade if you'd like?”

“No, thanks, we just came from dinner,” I replied. Ash declined as well, and we followed Riley and Bryce into the living room, where we took seats. I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my thighs, and asked what had happened.

Bryce's eyes went a bit wider, and then he let out a breath. “They – the county – called with some information on my father.”

“Okay,” I said carefully. “What do we know?”

Bryce rubbed the side of his face. “They, uh, found him. I guess it took...more time than they'd thought.” His voice had trailed down to not much more than a whisper.

Riley covered Bryce's hand and looked at me. “It took them some time to find him, because he's homeless. I guess he turned up in a shelter, but he's...well, he's got some addiction issues, and he's not an option.”

I rubbed my forehead. “Bryce, can I be real for a second?”

He sniffed and nodded.

“I'm probably going to sound like a complete asshole here, but in your case this might be a good thing.”

Bryce sniffed again and in a nasally voice asked what I meant.

I waved my hands a bit. “I mean...you didn't know this guy. If he's an addict, then it's better he wasn't part of your life.” I held a hand up. “I know it's a disease and he should get help; I just don't think it should be at your expense. Plus, this means you stay here, so I don't lose track of you. You don't have to think about leaving Riley, and it seems like things are okay between you, Joe and Ansel.”

Bryce glanced at Riley and back to me. “I was...kind of hoping for more out of him. Maybe answers on why he left me behind.”

Ash softly said, “Sometimes those answers are shitty.” He cleared his throat and looked at me before turning back to Bryce. “My mother was the one to leave, but my father...he didn't feed me. Like there was never food in the house. Sometimes when I had lunch at school on Friday, it was all I would have until Monday morning. After I went into foster care, they found my mother. She wasn't an addict, but she wanted nothing to do with the life she'd left behind – so she signed her rights away.” He licked his lips. “I can completely understand why you'd hope for more from people, and I completely get why you're so, so disappointed with what you found out.”

Bryce nodded. “I guess...I was hoping for something better. Some kind of moment where he was sorry things went how they did. That he was coming back to try and be a dad.” He shook his head and wiped a tear away. “I don't know why.”

“Of course you do,” Ash said, keeping up his calm, low tone. “I...don't want to overstep, Bryce – your relationship is really with Sean, so please, feel free to tell me to shut up.”

Bryce shook his head. “Nah. Family's family. Right?” he asked, nodding at me. I felt a bit choked up and just nodded back.

Ash continued. “I was a little like you, when I found out about my mother. I didn't even speak to her. But in the end...I have a family now; parents, a brother – which is overrated – and I got to keep my life with Sean and all my extended family.” Ash reached out to Bryce, just touching his knee with his fingertips and withdrawing. “I think what Sean means is that even though it sucks and it hurts, that you have a lot of positives you get as well.”

Bryce nodded and sniffed. “I don't know why I expected better from him.”

“Because you deserve it,” Riley said firmly.

“And what about me, huh? You were just going to leave your big brother behind? Run off with this 'father' guy who you don't really know?” I asked, teasing.

Bryce smiled at me. “You're right, it does kind of make you sound like an asshole...but...I think that's part of my problem. I'm disappointed, but I'm also relieved. Isn't that kind of fucked up?”

“For me, no,” Ash replied. “Speaking as someone who's kind of been where you are, there's a point where you have to look around you and kind of realize what you have. Yeah, the parents thing is shitty, no sugar coating that. But you have all this support and love around you – you know Sean loves you. Joe's an adult who cares, and I hear Ansel tries real hard at the adult thing,” he said with a grin, and Bryce laughed.

Riley pushed his fingers between Bryce's. “And I love you, too.”

I threw my hands up in the air. “Really?” I looked at Riley. “Did he tell you he loves you, and he didn't tell me? I feel so left out.”

Bryce covered the lower part of his face for a moment. “Uh, no. I hadn't...um.”

Oh. Now I really felt stupid.

“I was going to...I wanted to tell you,” Bryce said to Riley, clearly emotional. “I just....”

“I'm confused. You've told me you love me before,” Riley said.

“I know. It's...just over time, I'm feeling like that's changed. It's not just, like, love you like a crush. I just feel...feel like I'm figuring out what saying I love you really means. Should mean.”

“Please don't tell me you thought I wouldn't feel the same way?” Riley said, leaning his head to Bryce's shoulder.

Silence filled the room, and I thought Bryce's mind was probably running like a hamster wheel, so I tried to help. “I think he just wanted the perfect moment. Of course, I just stepped in it and ruined that. Go me!”

Bryce chuckled and put his arm around Riley. “No, you didn't ruin it.” He pulled Riley in tighter. “I just know I'm so all over the place, maybe it wasn't fair to say something like that to you.”

“I want to hear it,” Riley said, leaning back to look at Bryce.

Bryce blushed. “I love you, Riley.”

“Okay, well, I'm going to go before I fuck any more of this up,” I said, standing.

Bryce stood. “Um, don't go yet? Please?”

God, the amount of need and hurt in his voice. Why oh why did he pick me? I'm so not good at this.

“Yeah. I mean, no, we don't have to go yet,” I said with a smile. “I just figured...look, I'm making this up as I go. I've been afraid you were going to leave, and I know that's selfish. I was concerned what would happen if you left and had to start over and....”

“And he loves you, so he was worried,” Ash interjected. “That's what he really means.”

“Thank you, Interpreter,” I said with an eye roll. “But yeah. I mean...I'm sorry about your father, but you know we're here for you.”

“Yeah. I know.” He looked at me with a fierce light in his eye. “I do. But. Uh, Ansel made some dessert, and I don't want to try it alone so...kitchen?” Bryce asked with a smile.

“Wait. Are you letting Ansel experiment on us?” Riley asked.

“It's a moment of suffering we can all make memories with,” Bryce said with a little laugh and sniffled again.

“Who can resist that?” Ash said with a laugh.

We moved into the kitchen and were joined by Joe and Ansel. I felt good there, seeing how Joe and Ansel were with Bryce. It made me think that at some point, Ash had gone through the same thing. The pain of having those you should trust fail you, but also the moment when maybe he realized all wasn't lost. That there was hope. Stupid as it may sound, and it's probably more than stupid – probably narcissistic – but if Bryce was my shadow, like Ash says he is, that must mean I'm a light.

Maybe a light in the dark.

Wow. With as low as I've been...that would really mean something.