The Secret Heart

A Sanitaria Springs Story

By Dabeagle

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“I don't know, Micah. You're kind of a pain in the ass, you know?”

I gave Leo my best glare.

“All I can tell you,” he said, still smiling, “is my parents always wanted things I made. Like, if you buy them something, it's nice. You thought of them, but that's all. If it's something useful to them...better, but there's a decent chance they buy something they will get use out of on their own. There's some weird thing about parents and kids that when the kid makes something for them, they will keep it forever.”

I grunted and thought about that for a second. “I never made anything for my mom, that I remember.”

“Reece made this mug in fourth grade that looked like it was cancerous,” Leo said. “His mom keeps it at work. Puts candy in it.”

“Didn't want a drink from the cancer cup?”

“Busy smoking her way there,” Leo said.

We'd been working out in his basement earlier, but now we were just hanging around. Sometimes I really wish I understood how other people feel. No lie, I just want to understand how people see the same thing, have the same experience, and it hits them in a completely different way than it does someone else. I wonder if the way Leo feels when he sees Reece is the same as the way I feel when I see...well, lots of girls, actually. So no, maybe not the same.

It was kind of weird, but Leo was sort of my best friend. His cousin Mark was cool, and I liked hanging with him, but he was so focused on gaming that there wasn't a whole lot else there. I like games, but I'm not as good as Mark. He gets all lit up about them and streams his games for other people to watch. Leo takes things a little differently. He works out in his basement, but you can still talk. He's not watching work-out videos all the time or borderline obsessed with working out like Mark is with games.

But Leo is also a few years older than I am; he's a senior this year, and next year he's going to college. I don't think about that very much. Maybe because I'm used to seeing people I like after a gap. Like all my friends in Sanitaria Springs. Every summer it's like rediscovering your favorite things in a box. Still, Leo made the school year a lot more bearable. Reece, too, but he was more funny to me than someone I could talk to. Sometimes funny was just what you needed, though.

It suddenly struck me that Leo and Reece were sort of like my dads, which was awkward. Reece was a funny guy like Alec, and Leo was dependable like Sasha. Jesus, how did I not see this before? I talk to my dads, but if it's not one of them I usually go to Leo. Though the awkward feeling was still in my head, I also felt like I was learning to identify good people since I'd known so few before Alec and Sasha – and if Leo and Reece reminded me of my dads, that would be a good thing.

“Anyway,” Leo said as he stood, “the point is, anything you make for them will make them happy – way more than buying some cheap gift.”

After a moment, still swallowing down my revelation, I nodded. “I better go home.”

“Yeah. I have to go get cleaned up.”

I smiled, just with the side of my mouth. “Taking your boy out?”

He chuckled. “Concert over in the park. Not exactly private, but...it should be a good time.”

“Have fun,” I said and picked up my bag before heading up the stairs and hitting the street. Leo and Reece have a great relationship, even though I thought – and I don't think I was alone – that it was all a joke at first. I think everyone – including Reece – had thought Reece was straight. I glanced down the side street as I crossed the intersection. Down that street a few blocks was Dale Hastert's house. We'd kind of screwed with them pretty hard core last winter just because they were such massive dickheads.

Dale hadn't changed much. I don't think he really knew who'd done all that to him and his family. I honestly hadn't expected him to change – didn't care, actually – because I was more satisfied with being able to fight back. There are probably worse things out there, but feeling helpless really just didn't work for me. I think some people would really frown on what my dads and friends did, along with me, but you know what? I don't care.

The good guys don't always win. Cheaters do prosper. Not always, but enough that people still do it.

So no, I don't feel guilty at all. Every time Dale is a cockbag, I feel vindicated. I turned down my street, mounted the steps to our porch and slid my key home in the front door. I like our house, even if it's not as nice as the Sidotis'; it's also not as crazy as Reece's. I kicked my shoes off at the door and walked into the little living room. I could see my dads at the table, both with their computers open.

“Hi,” I greeted them.

“Hey, Little Bit. How was your day?” Alec asked.

“Good. Only a little homework.”

Sasha held an arm out, and I moved to his side so we could have a little side hug. “Just get done at Leo's?”

I nodded. “Can I shower?”

I didn't really wait for an answer, just headed back to my room while Alec said something someone would find funny. I mean it usually was, I just wasn't in the mood for it.

In August they'd had a wedding anniversary, and I'll be honest, I was more embarrassed than I can ever remember being. I love my dads, no question. I get mad enough to say I hate them sometimes, and sometimes I even mean it a little. But I love them. I know because...well, because I know it. I should have loved my mom, I guess. I mean, kids do, right? But I don't. I don't even miss her. She wasn't just a terrible mom; she was a shit human.

My dads try every day. Sometimes, with some things, I wish they'd stop. But...even though he's funny, Alec will always find a way to be serious and talk to me like I'm human. Some teachers and principals could learn a little from that. Not all. I like a lot of my teachers, but some could use a course in remembering they're teaching other humans; and Alec loves me. It's a no doubt, solid thing I can count on that Alec loves me. Sasha doesn't try to be funny like Alec. Instead he talks to me – like regular stuff. Like he would with any other person with a brain. We've even talked about what he's learning, and he says that I don't know, yet, what I'm going to find interesting and want to learn more about.

Sometimes I resent it. Sometimes it all feels weird. But they're not so different from my grandparents. One of Sasha's dads likes teaching me how to cook. I don't know about cooking, but I like eating. His other dad likes woodworking and I helped him build a few shelves – and power tools are pretty fun. Alec's parents are the same, but different. His dad likes building, so I helped him with a bathroom remodel over the summer – and got some money, too. His mom just acts like I'm this special person, and I just...stopped questioning it. I don't think I'm really special, but I'm okay that she does.

Feels nice.

Girls are something else entirely. Some of them think I'm gay or bi because of my dads or because of that and being friends with Leo and Reece. Some of them think it makes me more...something. Softer. Understanding. It gets me some dates and more than a few make outs. In a way I feel slimy, because I don't think I've changed or am all that different, but on the other hand...I like the girls.

As I sat on my bed after drying off and dressing to stay in, I turned my thoughts back to my embarrassment. I'm not embarrassed I have dads. Family can be a shitty thing, but not where I am now. I'm not adopted, but I belong to a family that actually wants me. But when my dads had their anniversary...I didn't have anything for them.

People sometimes say the gifts don't matter, and that's okay for them, I guess. But I'm their kid. I wanted to give them something that would make them happy. Maybe even remind them I love them when we all kind of hate each other.

I think that's kind of a new thought for me, too. Temporarily hating someone. I don't know. Maybe hate is a bad word. Really, really, really pissed off at them. It's close to hate, right? But it was just as important that the bad feelings went away and what was underneath that was still there. Like it didn't get washed away in the moment. Sometimes, when I'm really mad, it feels like it's gone. Like I can't see or feel that love right then. Maybe like when you're looking in a creek and the water is clear so you can see the bottom really clearly. Then someone steps in the water and stirs up mud and dirt, so the water gets really cloudy, and you can't see the bottom anymore.

That's what it's like. Later, when enough time passes – or water – then you can see the bottom again, like you can feel that love coming back. If I was sticking with the idea of the creek...if you step in the water and the dirt kicks up, you can still feel the bottom with your feet, so even if you can't see it, you know it's there. I want to give them something so they know it's still there.

I mean, in case they ever wonder.

I brought my school laptop to the table and then got a bowl of food from the pot on the stove. They had empty bowls beside their computers, but they were looking like they were getting tired of looking at their screens.

“Hey, what happened in school today?” Sasha asked as I stuck my fork into my bowl.

I shrugged. “Not much. Mark asked if I could sleep over Saturday. He wants to game.”

“He still streaming?” Alec asked.

I bobbed my head. “He's got a bunch of people watching him now. It's kind of toxic, though.”

“How's that?” Sasha asked, his tone filled with concern.

“Just people talking crap, like people do,” I said. “If you're online, you hear crap from anyone watching. But like some of these people are old, and I really don't know why they are on his stream.”

“Me either,” Alec said, then lowered his voice. “Could he tell it was me? I was trying to disguise my voice.”

I stared at him for a second. “No. For real?”

He just smiled smugly instead of answering. One part of me felt like he was spying, but the other part felt like he was trying to help Mark out. I guess both could be true.

“I guess Lu's going to have to retire the bus,” Alec said, looking to Sasha.

“What?” I asked, shocked and bummed. I liked the brick.

“I'm kind of surprised it's lasted as long as it has. It seems like he was always fixing something,” Sasha said. “I mean it's something like thirty years old, isn't it?”

“What difference does that make?” I asked.

“Just that things wear out. The older it is, the tougher to maintain and get parts for,” Alec said.

“Yeah, but also...it's from the 80s. I mean, modern cars have a lot more to offer. I don't know why he loves it so much,” Sasha said with a shake of his head. “I like something dependable that gets me where I want to go. I don't get the car thing.”

“I know one reason he likes it,” Alec said, his tone suggesting something you don't say out loud.

“Lots of reasons,” I said. “Do you think he'd let me have it?”

Sasha chuckled, but Alec chimed in. “I think he's going to try and get it back home. He's got ideas of fixing it later, but we'll see what happens. Maybe you can work on it with him over the summer and learn to drive on it,” Alec told me.

I liked the idea of driving. “What's wrong with it?”

“He said something about a rod.” But Alec said it like rod was supposed to be dirty, and it can be, so I laughed, and Sasha smiled and shook his head. They asked about my homework, and just to be a jerk I asked about theirs. After I'd eaten and turned in my homework, we gathered up on the couch to watch a movie.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this, but I like when we scrunch up on the couch for movies or shows. I wonder if it somehow makes me more gay – like if there is some sliding scale between gay and straight and this nudges me that way or something. I know – like it's been explained and I understand – something like this isn't really gay or straight, but sometimes the things people say creep into my head and I start to wonder.

Most of the time I'm okay. I can dismiss things from people like Dale. Scrunching on the couch with my dads is all about being together, but not like some perverted thing. But sometimes someone like Mark – an average person, not actually him – says something about something I do or say being a little gay. I won't say I'm offended, exactly, but the comments dig in a little sometimes, especially if it might affect my chances to get some girl's attention.

It makes me angry, sometimes. I get angry a lot, it feels like. But I also wonder...I have so many gay friends and family. Do I see things differently just because of that? You have to, right? Is that better or worse, or does it really matter? I thought about that off and on, but it was in the front of my mind that Friday when I went over to Mark's house to play games and stay over.

Given Mark had Leo so close in his family, I wondered if he had any of the internal conflicts I did. “I still can't believe Leo got with Reece,” I said to him between matches.

Mark shrugged. “Never thought about it.”

I glanced at him and then back to the screen. “Anyone besides people like Dale give you crap about Leo?”

Mark snorted. “Nah. I mean, I guess, but who cares? People talk, doesn't really mean anything.” He paused as if something just occurred to him. “Why? People saying things to you?”

I mirrored him and shrugged. “Sometimes. I think they try and get under my skin by saying I do things that are gay just to fuck with me because of my dads, but hanging with Leo just helps them with that.”

Mark blew out a breath. “I hear that shit online all the time. It used to bother me more because of Leo. He's been my favorite cousin for years. More like an older brother, because we always had him around, and he used to babysit us some. But Leo doesn't need me to fight for him.” Mark glanced at me. “I mean, I would back him up or something. But Leo can legit kick people's asses.”

I hummed for a moment. “Don't think people saying crap affects your chances with the ladies? I mean...you need to work on your rizz game,” I said, teasing him.

He snorted. “I got the rizz I need.” He glanced at me. “But no. If some girl thinks I'm gay, and she can't find out for herself? I don't need anyone with that kind of energy.”

I bobbed my head, thinking that made a lot of sense. I thought about asking him things he'd given his parents as gifts, but I'd reached my limit for personal questions – especially with Mark. We just don't vibe that way. Leo was easier to approach, but I think that's because he's older. Even though I think of him like a best friend, he's also got a little...maybe big brother vibe. I guess I respect him in a different way, maybe.

Mark put down his controller and shifted a little before just standing up and moving around a little. Kind of like pacing but not. I put down my controller too and stretched.

“For real. How is it so easy for you?” he asked.

I leaned back on my hands and looked up at him. “How's what easy for me?”

He pursed his lips a little. “Girls. They flirt with you all the time.”

“They do?” I tilted my head. “I don't know. Maybe they think I'm gay or something so it doesn't count?”

“No one thinks you're gay,” Mark said with finality. “The rumors about you and my sister were enough to stop any of that.”

I held my hands up. “Bro. I never said any of that.”

He rolled his eyes. “She may have, for all I know.” He crossed his arms. “But really. I don't look bad. But girls talk to you all the time.”

I let out a kind of strangled breath. “I don't know, bro. I mean...I just don't know. I'm not even sure what you mean. I just...talk? They're people?”

He glanced away and then back to me. “You think I should work out?”

I shook my head. “If that's what you want, sure. I mean, I could see changing yourself if you were doing something like an asshole would, but...I don't know. You need a nice gamer girl.” I paused in thought. “If you want to work out for you, make you feel good or feel better, then yeah. Sure. Knock yourself out. But working out won't make someone like you, like the real you.”

He rubbed the bottom of his nose. “It might get me noticed though, right?”

I nodded. “Sure. Plus you can help me give Leo crap for not being able to grow body hair.”

Mark laughed, and I grinned at him.

“What are you losers doing?”

I turned toward the voice, though I knew who it was. Leaning in the door frame was his sister, my ex, Jenna. “Mark was trying to explain why I shouldn't take you back.”

“As if,” she snorted, but smiled. “Besides, I broke up with you.”

“Because of your mom,” I countered. “You know you want to date me again.”

“Date? Please. What dates?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Um.” I held up fingers as I named them off. “Football games. Movies.”

“I was a cheerleader, so I had to be at the games,” she shot back. “And did we ever go to a movie theater? Are you really calling sitting on our couches watching the TV going to the movies?”

“There was a movie involved,” I pointed out.

She rolled her eyes and shifted her gaze to her brother. “Mom wanted me to tell you we're going to Nonna's and Nonno's for an early dinner.” She paused and looked at me. “I guess you can come, too.”

“Wow. Really? Like that, huh?” I asked.

She paused and looked back at me. “You didn't mention the kisses. Why the movies and not the kisses? Dumb boy.” Then she was gone.

“See? Even my gross sister talks to you all the time,” Mark grumbled.

“Well, I don't know why, bro. Maybe I'm all that,” I said with a grin.

He rolled his eyes and snorted. “Come on, let's go eat.”

Their grandparents' house is a weird mix of stuff. Part museum, where they have tons of family pictures and things look unnaturally clean. It's sort of like they only show up to have a meal or a family event, then clean the place and lock it up until the next time. Then there's all the food and the talking and laughing and...atmosphere. I think that was the word. It was like the whole space – the building – was alive. It was kind of like being home with the family in the Springs; you just got wrapped up in the vibes like you were in your favorite, comfy clothes with nothing but junk food and good times ahead of you.

I spent some time with Leo and Reece, some time flirting with Jenna and some time talking about games and computers with Mark. I got roped in a few times by adults who meant well; they were warm and welcoming, but they have no real attachment to me. I went down into their basement with Reece to get some soda and noticed some little carved animals lining this long shelf on the wall.

“Hey. These are kind of cool,” I remarked.

“Yeah. Leo's grandpa makes them. Kind of a cool hobby, I guess.” He leaned in a and squinted. “Cooler if they were edible.”

“You want to eat wood?” I paused. “Oh, wait....”

“More like flexible steel.”

I made a face. “Too much, bro. Too much.”

“I think I heard Leo say that once, actually.”

“I'm going upstairs,” I said, carrying the twelve-pack of soda.

“Come on, Micah. Don't be like that!” he said, chuckling as he followed me upstairs. I walked past Leo and told him his boyfriend was weird. He didn't disagree, so.

“He likes your grandfather's carvings,” Reece said.

“Yeah, they're cool. He did one of a fish for me once, flopping on the shore. Super cool, but it got knocked over, and dad stepped on it.”

I stared. “I want to ask how.”

Leo grinned. “My brother and I were wrestling in the living room, like we're not supposed to, and it got knocked off. My dad was coming in the room to yell at us and stepped on it.”

After we were done laughing – and after dessert, because who can think when you're eating Tiramisu? - I started wondering how tough it would be to learn to carve something. If I did learn enough to do something, how hard would it be to make something that told them I still loved them when I hated them? I mean...I do love them. I can feel that, like the sand under my feet in muddy water. I know it's there, but what could I do that actually said that?

After dinner I went back to Mark's, partially because I was sleeping over, but partially because he was going to stream, and I wanted to see if I could spot Alec in the crowd. I figured he'd have some kind of semi-pornographic user name, not the one he normally used. Well, his normal user name was 'eggplantallday', but I was pretty sure he'd use something else to make Mark feel like it wasn't a pity follow.

I got sidetracked with Jenna before I could even go up the stairs to his room.

“Jim Park asked me out.” She paused, looking away from me. “What do you think?”

One thing I knew was that she was messing with me. I'd talked to Leo before about some things Jenna says, and he'd kind of walked me through the whole 'dating mind games' thing. I confirmed some of the stuff with the family, so when she started up, I was ready.

“Yeah? He's nice,” I said. “Where's he going to take you?” Unless there was a fair or something, the answer was likely nowhere.

“We were just thinking coffee. Nothing major, just talking stage, you know?”

“Sure. Which shop? Since you don't like coffee, you should see what you want before you go.”

She sighed. “You're such a jerk.”

I arched an eyebrow.

She gave me a look that, roughly translated, was 'duh'. “Hello? The Fall Carnival is next weekend? Were you going to ask me?”

I widened my eyes. “What about Jim?”

She narrowed her eyes.

I smiled and took a step closer. “Hey. Want to go to the fall carnival with me?”

She turned a bit away from me. “What do I tell Jim?”

I chuckled. “Tell him no.” I stepped back. “Or tell him yes. Your call.”

She rubbed her forehead. “You're such a headache.” The she turned and wrapped her arms around me, and I followed her lead, smelling her hair. I wished she'd stop with the little games – it was getting old, especially now that I understood some of what she was doing. But still, I guess she was worth some aggravation.

“Bro!” Mark called out from upstairs.

“I better go before your mom sees us,” I told Jenna.

“Yeah,” she said softly and let me go. I smiled a little, my heart tripping over itself, and headed up to Mark's room – even though I'd rather spend a few more minutes with Jenna. I didn't want to do Mark like that, though. Besides, her mom legit doesn't like me.

“Yo,” I said, flopping down and opening his laptop so I could log in to play.

“Look at this screen name on my stream, bro,” he said, a smile in his voice. I leaned over and scanned the list, but he pointed out the one he had in mind before I could finish. “Stink Wrinkle? So many things that could be.”

I laughed. And texted my dad – Alec – asking what a stink wrinkle was. I logged into the game and met up with Mark's avatar, and we spent a few hours gaming. Dad never replied, but that's probably because he was trying to come up with some epic bullshit to tell me. Mark's mom sent us to bed, but as I lay in the dark and Mark and I talked in whispers, I asked him about his grandpa's carvings.

“Did he ever teach you how to do any of that stuff?”

“Nah. I mean, he gave us all something he'd carved, but my mom wouldn't let me near 'all the sharp stuff'.” His voice went up a few octaves as he mimicked his mom's voice.

I hummed in response, then asked, “What about Leo?”

“I don't know. Why?”

“I was just thinking, maybe I could do something like that for my dads.”

“Yeah, that'd probably be fire. Parents always like that kind of stuff – or pretend to.” He went quiet for a moment and then spoke up again. “I was going to ask Bella Rodriguez about going to the Fall Carnival.”

“Yeah? She's hot.”

“What does that mean?”

Thinking what that meant was obvious, and using my tone to communicate that, I said, “She's. Hot. You know? Looks great, nice personality, smile like a knife.”

He grumbled something.

“What?”

He sighed. “You mean too hot for me.”

I raised my eyebrow, though he couldn't see it. “Bro. Where's this coming from? I never said anything like that.”

He rolled on his bed, and I imagined he was facing me in the darkness. “Girls. You have no trouble talking to them. Getting numbers and their Insta. My sister is stupid for you.”

“And?” I asked, but then decided not to wait. “That doesn't mean shit. My dads say all this high school crap isn't worth much. It's not the real world. So I got some rizz now? Okay, sure, maybe I do. Maybe I have something that plays pretty good for now. Maybe some girls think there's some vibe to me because I have dads or because I'm a foster – like I'm temporary or safe. But...way I see it is the older you get, the less you look around for just anyone and you look for someone.” I snorted and flopped back. “I don't know if Bella is your someone, but she might help you figure out what that person looks like to you.”

There was a drawn out silence, and he whispered, “What the fuck did any of that mean?”

“I mean I might talk to a lot of girls, but it's not like I date much. There's lots of pretty girls, and I like them when we talk. It's fun to flirt some. But I keep coming back to Jenna. She's smart and pretty.”

Mark made a puking sound.

“That's healthy. Be weird if you had a thing for your sister.”

“My best friend is such a dick,” he said with a sigh and rolled back into a more comfortable position.

I thought about that for a little bit. Not his complaints about girls – people are weird. One day they like you, the next day you're dog shit. He called me his best friend. Mark is my friend, but I think of Leo as my best friend. At least my best friend up here. Down in the Springs...shit. I have lots of friends. I guess the thing about best friends, maybe, is how much you try. When I was really little I didn't care about a best friend. There were kids in the neighborhood, and we all played together. It was a group thing.

Later, when I got taken away and brought back and taken away again...I wasn't part of a group anymore. I didn't really catch onto it right away, but people did treat me different. Yeah, maybe if I look back I can see sometimes where maybe I earned it. But if I compare how I act now to the way I acted back then...I know I'm a different person. So maybe if some people think I'm temporary, they treat me one way – like I can't hurt them, because one day I'll just be gone.

Mark doesn't think that way about me; Leo and Reece, either. I'm not sure about Jenna, but I know she likes me – I just don't always know why. I don't always care why. But I think maybe her mom has some ideas about me. Probably thinks I'm a bad kid. That's okay. I don't like her, but I don't care what she thinks, because I'm not a bad kid. I used to think maybe I was, and sometimes I can be, but that doesn't mean that's who I am.

Saturday morning Mark's mom got everyone up to clean house, so I got booted pretty quick. I walked home, my mind just a haze of disconnected thoughts that never really finished forming. As I walked up to my house I glanced at Lu's bus and changed direction to walk over to it. There was no reason in the world to like this thing; it was old, the paint was faded, it leaked things – but I'd had some fun with it. Uncle Lu'd taught me how to do some work on it, and we'd gone places. It was fun to ride in the front, because of how it bounced going over bumps and stuff. I was going to be sad to see it go.

I started toward the front door, but before I got there, it opened and Robin stepped out dressed for a run.

“Hey, what are you doing up?” he asked.

“Stayed over at Mark's. His mom wanted a family housecleaning, so she got them all up early.”

“Yuck.”

“Why are you running so early?”

Robin snorted. “Hamster is on the way up with his truck. He and Lucien are going to rent a tow dolly and take the bus back to the Springs. I'm going to follow them down so I can bring Lucien back.” He stretched. “I'm just going to get my run in and a shower before they get that done. I'll be in the car all day and won't get a chance, otherwise.”

“Oh.” I hadn't been to the Springs in a while. “Can I come?”

“Sure. You can keep me company. Want to run, too?”

I wasn't sure I wanted to run, but I wanted to look like Robin so... “Yeah, let me go change.” I ran inside and swapped into stuff I could sweat in, told Sasha what I was doing and asked if it was okay to go with them back and forth to the Springs, and then met Robin for the run.

As we made our way around the neighborhoods and to the state trail, my mind wandered back to the conversation I'd had with Mark – or parts of it anyway. Sometimes I think that's how a mind works – taking random bits of things and assembling them in the background so they mean new things. I thought about how Mark saw me as his best friend and what that meant to me. I know I'd have Leo's back, and I'd have had Mark's back sort of by extension...but no. Mark was his own person, and I had to have his back for him, not for Leo or because they were related.

Of course, it's a short thought to go from Mark to Jenna. She confuses me sometimes, and...it bothers me sometimes, and other times I don't care, just because I like her. It made me wonder about how much you deal with someone because of how they look or because you like other things about them.

By the time we got back from the run – way too long, but I'm liking the results over time, between runs with Robin and working out with Leo – Hamster's truck was in front of our house. He's got a weird truck that used to belong to Chase, Kale's husband. He and Lu were behind it, squatted down, who knows why.

“Hey, guys,” Robin said, a bit breathless. Glad he sounded as winded as I felt.

They both stood, shoes scrunching on the gravel, to look toward us.

“Hamster needs the plug for the taillights. Otherwise, I think we'll be okay – just need help to push the bus up onto the dolly,” Lu said. He glanced to me and nodded, which I returned. I waved at Hamster while I bent forward with my hands on my knees.

Robin pulled my arm. “Arms over your head, open up your chest,” he told me.

“I forgot.” I raised my arms and crossed them behind my head, feeling my lungs take advantage of the extra room. “What's up, Hamster?”

“You know. Towing Lu's broken junk again.” He grinned and stepped out of Lu's reach.

“Jerk,” Lu grumped.

Robin said he was going to shower, and Lu made like he was going to join him – you know, sexual innuendo, because what else are people going to do? I went inside to shower and change. After getting dressed, I went to the kitchen to get some food. Sasha was on the couch, his laptop on the coffee table, but the screen dark. Alec was sitting with him, and they were both drinking coffee. Alec glanced at me as I brought my cereal to the table.

“So what was that about a stink wrinkle?”

I grinned at him. “Someone had that screen name on Mark's stream last night. I figured it was you.”

Alec looked back and forth between me and Sasha and then winked really slowly. “I was busy.”

I tilted my head. “Really, dad? I'm starting to think gay guys are hornier than straight guys.”

“Nah. It's just you have someone that meets you at your level of horny, you know? It' s beautiful thing.”

I rolled my eyes. I thought about bringing up this attitude and how different is was when we talked about me having sex – which wasn't a thing yet – and how they were all 'pregnancy' and shit. But if I did that we'd get into it, and then maybe I'd get in trouble and couldn't go with Robin; and Robin likes to drive fast. The highway isn't as much fun, but maybe we can get in a few roads with some fun turns.

I put my bowl in the sink and came out to the living room. “I asked Jenna to the Fall Carnival next weekend,” I told them as I sat down by the door to put my shoes on.

“Huh.” This was from Sasha.

“What?”

“Oh.” He glanced at Alec and then to me. “Just funny. You didn't mention wanting to go before.”

I pulled my second shoe on and stood. “I figured I'd go with Mark, Leo and Reece, but she tried the Jedi mind trick thing last night and told me someone else was asking her out.”

“You resisted her attempt?” Alec asked.

“Yup. I told her to go with the other guy, and she told me I was a headache and that she wanted to go.”

Alec nodded. “So you told her no then?”

I paused. “No. I asked her. That's why I just told you.”

Alec frowned and looked from Sasha to me. “But you said you resisted her Jedi trick.”

“Right,” I said, clearly communicating the 'moron' that was at the end of that statement with my tone.

Alec tipped his chin down. “But if you resisted and she still got you to do what she wanted....”

I slumped my shoulders and stared at him. “Really? I didn't fall for her trick. I just made her tell me what she actually wanted. Puts me in charge, you know?'

Alec scratched the side of his head, smiled a little and looked at Sasha. “Is that how it works?”

I rolled my eyes. “I'm going to ride with Robin. See you later.”

“Bye, Little Bit. Love you.”

“Love you. Have fun.”

“Love you guys, too,” I said on my way out the door. I poked my head out front but didn't see Hamster's truck, so I went up the stairs to the apartment where Robin, Lu, Griff and Dev lived. Robin was in their kitchen, pouring coffee, and I sat down at their little kitchen table.

“Alec is so weird. How is Uncle Lu so normal?”

Robin chuckled as he sat down next to me. “Uncle Lucien has his things too, trust me. What did Alec do now?”

“Nothing crazy. Just basically let me know he didn't text me back last night because he and dad were having sex, then tried to make it sound like my ex manipulated me – which she did, but if I wanted the same thing, is it really manipulation? Really?”

He laughed loudly. “You and Jenna. You guys are funny.”

I sighed. “I kind of wish she'd stop with the mind games, but then sometimes they're kind of fun.”

“Yeah. People respond to different things at different times.”

I thought about that for a second. “Does Uncle Lu...I mean you guys seem like you're just...you.” I sighed. “I don't know what I mean.”

Robin smiled at me. “People change, Micah. You know that, having done so much of it yourself. So sometimes you like the...mental gymnastics with Jenna, and sometimes you just want her to say what she means.”

“Sure. But you and Uncle Lu seem, like, just stable. You guys figured this stuff out already? Did you date other people? Like...Mark was kind of whining at me last night because I talk to a lot of girls.”

“Flirt you mean?”

I shrugged. “Sure, sometimes. I'm not always sure what the difference is between being nice and flirting, but sure.” I paused a moment. “Anyway, I talk to other girls, but I don't seem to run into the same games.”

“That you know of.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean the more you get to know someone, the more you learn when they are messing with you and when they aren't. So you know Jenna and her games, because you know her; definitely better than you know some girl you just see in the hallway between classes.”

I sighed. “Why do people play games?”

Robin leaned back, sipped from his cup and then said, “Lots of reasons. Some times people feel insecure, so they don't want to put themselves out there. Maybe they are interested in someone, but don't feel comfortable putting themselves too far out there.”

“Sometimes people are assholes?”

Robin smiled. “Sometimes people are assholes.”

“Okay, but...Jenna's not an asshole.” I waved a hand. “How did you and Uncle Lu get to where you guys are?”

Robin smiled again. “That's a really long story. But the part that might mean something to you is that it takes time, and you have to learn.”

I was going to ask him what I had to learn, but I could hear people coming up the stairs, so I turned as Lu and Hamster walked in. “Good,” Lu said, lightly slapping my shoulder. “Mr. Workout is here; we'll need your muscles.”

I flexed, and he laughed. Robin poured a travel cup while I headed down with Lu and Hamster. Lu had me sit in the driver's seat and explained the pedals; they'd have me steering, since I was lightest. Robin came out of the house and put his cup on top of his car, then they started to push and holler at me which way to turn. It took a few tries to get close, then they just dragged the dolly over a bit to finish lining things up.

I kind of freaked out when they pushed the front end up onto the ramp, feeling like I was going to drive right off the end of the dolly, so I stomped on the brake, and they had to let it roll backward.

“What's with the brake, Micah?” Lu called out.

“I thought I was going to go off the edge,” I told him.

“Oh, yeah, No, don't worry – I'm going to holler to hit the brake, okay? You can't see it anyway, but you're good.”

I wasn't sure, but I said I was ready anyway. They pushed, and my heart tripped as the front wheels hit the metal lip of the cup the front tires would sit in, and I had to swallow to keep my heart in place when the bus lurched forward into that cup.

“Brake!”

I was already pressing it before he finished saying the word. I climbed down, heart still kind of beating oddly, and watched as Lu and Hamster used the straps to tie down the front wheels and attached the emergency chains.

“Okay. You going to race down ahead of us?” Lu asked, a knowing tone in his voice.

“You don't think Micah's riding with me to follow you guys, do you?” Robin asked with a laugh.

“I figured he just wants to see my mom so he'll get spoiled,” Lu said.

I stared at him for a second. “It can be both.” They gave polite chuckles.

I climbed in next to Robin, and he got his cup settled before starting the car.

“How long have you had this?” I asked, running my hand along the dash.

He huffed out a breath. “Three years ago, my sixteenth birthday present.”

“You got a new car for your birthday?”

“Nah,” he said with a chuckle. “Used. Not a ton of miles, nearly new, but used.” He patted the steering wheel. “I love this car, though. One of the first long rides I took in this, Lu and I went to a junkyard to get spare parts for his first bus.”

“First? How many buses has he had?”

“This is his third,” Robin said, pulling out behind Hamster's truck. “There were some bigots that burnt his first bus. It was...pretty scary, really. Then he got the second one as a gift, but...he sold it and bought this one. For me.”

“He bought a bus because of you?” I couldn't imagine a reason why. I mean, I'm sure Alec would have had a smart ass reason, but I wasn't going that direction.

Robin chuckled. “Yeah. I was having a months-long freak out over Lu having ended up in the hospital from the first bus getting burnt. His first bus was blue – Orly Metallic Blue – and the replacement was red. It was a real...reminder, I guess, seeing the red bus instead of the blue one. So...he sold it and bought the blue one.”

I snorted. “I don't know. I'm not sure I'd sell my car for anyone.”

Robin looked at me with a crooked grin. “When you find the right person, you would.”

I rubbed under my nose and glanced out the window as we went up the ramp for the highway. Looking back to him I said, “Back at the house you were starting to tell me I had to learn something. What was it?”

He thought for a second and then nodded. “It's like this. Do you trust adults?”

I snorted. “I don't trust people. Not until I know them.”

“Right. It's something you learned the hard way.”

“Okay. And?”

“There's this big difference between knowing something because you read it or heard about it versus having actually lived it. So when you were asking about Lucien...we've been through a lot together. The reason we're the way we are with each other is because we learned so much, and we learned it from each other.” He glanced at me and then back to the road. “So with Jenna. Right now she's probably one of your longer relationships with a girl.”

“We're not dating.”

“Right, no, I mean you're still friends, though. Not a romantic relationship, mainly, but still...you guys like each other.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“So maybe what you've learned from this so far is you don't mind a certain level of games from someone, if they're not malicious or crazy about it. Lots of people play harmless games – fishing for a compliment or something small like that.”

I thought for a moment. “Huh. Yeah, I guess that's true. Like, it's sort of fun sometimes.”

“But maybe...I think you said her mom has a problem with you?”

“Nah. Her mom hates my guts,” I said and laughed, making him laugh.

“Seriously?”

I shook my head, snorting. “Nah. I mean, she just thinks her little girl can do better or something. I don't know.” I lowered my voice and glanced out the window. “I think maybe it's because I wasn't raised like other kids. Like Jenna and Mark were. You know, home with their bio parents and stuff.”

Robin grunted. “Lucien's birth mother was very odd about him, long after she'd lost custody. You'll find that people will judge all the time, unfortunately.” He hesitated. “So maybe something else you've learned is that you want your relationship to be your own, not influenced by parents or other people.”

I shrugged. “What can I do about it? It's her mom.”

“Sure. But eventually, you get old enough, there are lines.”

I frowned a little and glance at him. “I mean. Like what? Alec is embarrassing sometimes, but he's fair. Like, I don't think he'd tell me who to date or be friends with or not.”

Robin sighed and smiled at me, then floored the accelerator, and the little car leapt into the left lane, blowing past Hamster's truck. I waved to them as we moved back into the right lane – and then he stomped the gas again, and I felt the g-force push me back into the seat a little.

“Hell, yeah! That's what I'm talking about!” I cried out.

Robin laughed and slowed down. Moments later a beeping started up in the car, rapidly getting faster.

“What's that?”

“It's my completely illegal radar detector.”

“What's- oh, cop ahead.”

“Yeah.” We drove past and Robin checked the mirror, not punching the gas anymore. “I've gotten my share of tickets. Radar detectors are illegal in New York, but I figure I'm going to take the risk.”

“Huh. With your dad being a judge?”

Robin chuckled. “Yeah. What's legal isn't always right. I mean, this is traffic law – we're not talking death penalty stuff. To be fair, speed kills. But I'm not speeding in school zones or neighborhoods, plus highways were designed for higher speeds. Fifty-five is this old thing they came up with when – oh, you don't care.”

I grinned at him. “So what did you mean about lines?”

He gave me a half smile, looking from me to the road. “It's like this. When you're younger, you might get some advice from your parents or friends about relationships.” He paused. “Actually, you'll probably always get that, if people love you or they just can't help themselves. Thing is, you have to decide how far is too far when it comes to what people want to express about your relationship.”

“Like...what?” I was thinking he was talking about sex. I think about it, but I haven't tried to do anything about it yet.

“Like...well, for me, one time my parents got concerned that Lucien and I were so close. Like...we didn't like going a day without hanging out.” He sighed. “What set things off for my parents was this wedding we had to go to. I wanted to take Lucien with us, and my mom kept blocking it.” He glanced at me and then back to the road. “So I got all bent out of shape and tried to go around her – at some point I think part of it was just me realizing she was trying to keep me from Lucien, at least for that weekend.”

“But why?”

He gave a partial shrug. “If people are in bad relationships, they're the last ones to see – or the last ones to admit it. My parents saw how obsessive Lucien and I were with each other, and they were afraid.” He paused. “I'd dated someone before who died, and I went into a pretty bad spiral. They were scared about what might happen if Lucien and I ever broke up.”

I let out a grunt. “That wouldn't be pretty. I mean...I can't see it, but it would be bad.”

He smiled again. “Yeah, pretty much. The thing was, I was actually pretty clear-eyed about my relationship with Lucien and the role he filled in my life. My parents weren't wrong – I was obsessed. We were obsessed. We came to the same place from different directions, but we were there, basically for better or worse.”

“Already? Isn't that what they say at weddings?”

He laughed. “Yeah. I mean, I proposed and he accepted. Hopefully we'll be together a long time. But a few years ago, I guess it looked different to my parents. They were worried.” He paused again. “They probably still are, just because of who I am.”

Putting a little sass into my tone I asked, “And who are you?”

He smiled, one that told me he'd heard my tone. “When it comes to Lucien, I don't leave anything off the table. He's my ride or die. If something were to come between us, it would be devastating, but it's my choice to make. I have faith in him, and he's rewarded that faith many times.” He shrugged. “I like who I am with him.”

Only half joking I persisted. “Yeah, but who is that?”

“What is this? You trying to pick me apart today, or what?”

“No,” I insisted. “But you didn't really answer your own question.”

He shook his head. “I'm a lot of things. Lots of roles. Son, brother, friend, lover, student.”

“Let's not leave uncle out.”

“That's true,” he said, his tone teasing. “I almost forgot about Linc.”

“Fine, sure. Pick him!” I said, pretending to sulk. “He never asks the deep questions though. Not like me.”

He laughed aloud. “The honest answer is there is no answer. Who I am is a moving target. Who I was when I met Lucien isn't who I am anymore.” He reached down and twisted his travel cup around and took a drink, resting it on his leg. “But I think what you were asking about before was a little easier, which is about my relationship with Lucien. The thing is...when you first start to date, it always feels exciting and new – and that's because it is. The other person is a mystery.”

I thought for a second. “You talking about me flirting?”

“In part, because you may not know those people that well – not like you know Jenna, for example. And you know others better than you do Jenna, like Leo. Sometimes when you get to know people, they aren't as interesting or turn out to not be as valuable to you. Sometimes that's why relationships end – people get to know each other and they turn out to just not be that special to them.”

“Huh.” I glanced out the window, thinking about Jenna for a minute.

“That's one reason, probably, why your dads said no to that sleepover at that girl's house.”

I turned back to him. “I hate that everyone talks, sometimes. It feels like spying.”

He nodded. “But you don't seem to mind as much when you're hearing about the rest of the family.”

I pushed my lips together. “Not the point.”

He nodded. “I know. You feel like all your business gets discussed – and it doesn't.” He glanced at me and smiled. “But you already know adults don't know it all. So sometimes they will talk to people they trust to see if they sound like they are doing the right thing. Because, as I'm sure you know, your dads want to do the right thing for you.”

I sighed. “Can we go back to the point?” I don't think I actually needed to say he was right.

“Right, so, in that case you have to look at everything. One thing is if most young relationships – or even those between people who aren't young – end, then your parents have to try and protect you against things like being tied for the rest of your life to someone you thought was cool for thirty minutes.”

I rolled my eyes. “I'm so excited to talk about that again.”

He chuckled. “My point is, my relationship is how it is because I know who he is, and he knows who I am, and we still find each other interesting and worth loving. We've been through difficult things – and I'll be honest, some of them weren't as important as we thought they were then. But we got to see that when things get tough, as we perceived, the other was there with support. We found we had things to build on.”

I grunted. “So...the longer you know someone, the better off you are?”

“No guarantees. What I'm really saying is, you know more – you both do. This is all relative, too. You've known Jenna for a little while, but compared to how long Lucien and I have known each other, it's not long at all. Little closer if you compare my relationship with your dads – but you'll notice, if you take a step back, that being together for a longer time means you know who you're with. It helps to build trust and stability in a relationship.”

I tried to think about that, but honestly it felt so far away, because basically he was saying it all took time. We pulled over for gas, and I got a drink, but he didn't get back on the highway for a few exits. Instead we went down a rural route that ran parallel, and he ripped through a few corners and twisty roads and got my heart rate up and my grin tight on my face. We did get back on the highway a few exits down, and Robin called to see where Hamster and Lucien were.

The trip down to the Springs takes a couple hours, and when we got to my grandparents' house – Lucien and Alec's parents – we had a late lunch, and my grandparents made a fuss over me. It's nice, sometimes, having people make a little fuss. I texted with Jenna and Mark separately while Lu explained that he wanted to fix the bus at some point, but that it just wasn't practical for him right now. I got the feeling this was being repeated for some reason, but I wasn't curious enough to ask about it.

“Well. I think it's about time,” grandpa said. “Maintenance can be tough on an old vehicle, but that one qualifies for an antique plate in New York – so multiplies the potential for needing repairs.”

“Dad. You're a little biased.” Lu held his finger and thumb about a half inch apart. “Little bit.”

“Guilty,” he replied. “The first one you got was insane, and I understood the emotional attachment of a first vehicle and replacing the original. But this is kind of nuts. You're not even going to school for mechanics, and you don't have an indoor place to work or the time...it's just not practical in any sense anymore.”

Lu looked at Hamster. “Think we can pull it back home? Do you mind? I can save and get the engine rebuilt-”

“Not a chance,” my grandma cut in. “Austin, you take that tow dolly back right now. I know where you live.”

Hamster laughed and held his hands up. “I'm not driving all the way back up there today, that's for sure.”

Turning back to Lu, grandpa asked, “How are you getting to school then?”

“Robin will drive when our class times are close enough; Devyn told me he'd help too.” He shrugged. “Anything I bought right now would be junk, and I'm not getting that many hours at work right now with my class load.”

“Well. That settles that,” grandma said.

Grandpa chuckled. “Yeah, guess so.” He turned to Lu. “When you filled us in on the engine going kablooey, we had a talk. You can get mom's old car; mom's had her eye on something nicer.”

“Really?” Lu looked back and forth at them. “I mean, thank you!”

I wondered how I'd get my first car, but then it kind of hit me – and it does at weird times – how Robin had told me about him changing and how much I had, and he was right. It wasn't that long ago I lived on the street and was thinking about how to get my next meal, not owning a car. Not head games with some girl, no matter how much I liked her. I thought about that on and off as we drove home, me sitting in the backseat while Robin and Lu sat up front. Gram still needed the car short term, as she was doing some volunteer work and stuff, but there would be a trip back down soon enough.

I asked them to drop me at Mark's house on the way back, saying I'd walk home in a few minutes. I had texted Jenna on the way up, so I told her I was there, and she came out on her porch to sit on the bench with me. It was kind of cold, and I put my arm around her, and she leaned into me.

“Jenna, you annoy me,” I said.

“Yeah? Glad I know, since you annoy me, too.”

“Yeah. Probably a good thing,” I agreed. “But I want you to know, I get tired of us going back and forth, trying to guess what the other one wants. If there's something you want to do like a dance or a movie...just tell me. Okay? I might not think of it, and maybe eventually I'll get better about that, but...we're not dating. It makes it weird to think about asking you to dances and stuff if I'm not sure what we're doing.”

She moved her hand to take mine and folded her fingers between mine. “I think we just don't tell my mom.”

I pursed my lips. “Why does she hate me so much?”

She tilted her face up to look at me. “I don't think she does. I think she thinks no one is good enough for me, maybe. I think she's afraid of all kinds of things that happen when people date.” She smiled. “I think she actually likes you a lot, and she's afraid I do, too.”

I stared for a second. “That makes no sense.”

“Welcome to my world.”

I squeezed her a little closer. “So. Dating? Just not mentioning it to your mom?”

She snorted and burrowed into my shoulder. We sat there for a little bit, until my phone chimed with a message from my dad to come home. I walked home, the sun setting so much earlier than it did in the summer, and thought. Robin was right – I'm not the same. Sometimes whoever I am isn't better, but some days I'm pretty good.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

“You made this?” Sasha asked, laughing.

“Yep.”

“Little bit – this is an instant classic,” Alec said, pride in his voice. “I'm seriously impressed!”

I grinned. Leo's grandpa wasn't excited about what I'd decided to whittle, but he kind of understood when I explained why. He only agreed if I'd keep coming to learn and whittle other, less 'offensive' things.

“Okay. So. I have to admit, I don't understand what it means. I mean, I'm impressed, but...?” Sasha shook his head.

“Okay, so...” I pressed my lips together. “Sometimes I'm really mad at you guys. I know sometimes you're mad at me. But...” I looked down for a moment and then back to them. “Even if I'm mad, I still love you guys.”

“We always love you too, Little Bit,” Alec said quietly.

I nodded. “I know. But...sometimes it's hard to remember, and I thought maybe it's hard for you guys to know I still love you...even when things aren't good.” I swallowed. “I was trying to figure out how to say that. I was thinking about how, like, when we went camping, how when we'd go down to the creek, the dirt kicks up if you step into the water. And how you can't see your feet anymore, but you can still feel the ground and know it's there.”

Sasha smiled at me. “That's a really insightful way to say that, Micah.” He held up the little carving. “So this...says that?”

I nodded. “The hand flipping the bird...maybe it's any of us when we're mad. But behind the hand -”

“Is the heart, showing that love. That it's still there, even if you can't see it,” Sasha said quietly.

I felt really silly and exposed, and sometimes that's really unsettling. But then they were both pulling me closer, not pushing me away – and I should know that, expect it, and give them that credit. Because, like Robin had said, I have history with my dads. They still love me.