The Tull Unification: Mike Tulley
By Dabeagle
“I don't know what you're worried about; Colin's a great kid,” Ian said before taking a bite of his sandwich. I'd surprised him with lunch and we were taking in the sunshine while eating on a picnic table behind his store.
“Don't get me wrong, I'm really attached to him,” I replied. “I'm just not sure that feeling is mutual or that it's headed in that direction from his perspective. It's only been a few months and he's given me a little of that famous teenager moodiness but...I don't know what's going on in his head or his heart.”
“I think you're worrying over nothing,” Ian said with confidence. “I think Colin is happy being with you. I'm sure he has issues because of his adopted family, but his fears have nothing to do with you doing something wrong. It'll just take time.”
“Yeah,” I replied and contemplated my food. “I just wish I could be more sure without, you know, coming out and asking him.”
“Ha! You want forthcoming? Talk to Robby!” Ian chuckled. “He keeps telling me how much he likes living with me and how he doesn't want to go home.”
“That's pretty forward,” I replied with a frown.
“It is, but that seems to be him. I told his worker that he started calling me 'daddy' practically right away and she said he does that. You know, puts familiar tags onto his caregivers. He does drive me nuts, though. I mean, I know he's not trying to and I know his mom screwed him up...but it's tough.”
“What's the latest?” I asked before digging into my lunch.
“Oh, get this!” he said before covering his mouth to swallow. “So I go into the bathroom and the tub is all sparkly, right? So I go and ask him – I'm not making this up! - I ask him, 'why is there glitter in the bathtub?
“So he says to me – and remember he's only 9 – he says 'Oh, this is awkward.'” Ian snorted with laughter and I joined him.
“He actually said that?”
“I couldn't believe it either; I just started laughing.”
“Colin doesn't do things like that – I mean, he doesn't make jokes or say much at all,” I said with a sigh. “He's polite, even surprises me with a quick hug here and there – which is something I didn't really expect from a teen.”
“Yeah, some people aren't the huggy type, you know?”
“Oh, yeah, I get that. It's just that teens aren't known for their physical affection with parental types, you know?”
“Sure, yeah, I know,” Ian replied while crumpling up his wrapper and reaching for his fries. “Maybe he didn't get enough of it before or he doesn't know how to say he's happy without sounding, I dunno...”
“Are you about to say something dumb about guys expressing their emotions?” I asked with a smile.
“Maybe,” he said before popping a fry in his mouth. “Maybe he just doesn't know what to say. Talk to your worker, see what she thinks. Maybe you should talk to him, in the end.”
“Maybe. So,” I said with a sigh, “are things getting any better for you with Robby? How you feeling about that?”
“It's hard to put into words,” he said. He had paused, his hand mid-way to his mouth with a French fry and was looking off into nowhere. “He's a tough kid, no doubt. But one time when he said he liked it at my place I asked him why. He told me I yell at him less than he gets at home. Not exactly a ringing endorsement.”
“Yeah, I see what you mean. You having a hard time being patient?” I asked while reaching for my own container of fries.
“Oh, man,” he said with a chuckle. “It's really tough sometimes. I mean, he says some funny stuff, but he's so needy that when we get home I have to go to the bathroom to get a minute with my own thoughts.”
“Maybe a routine of some kind would help? Like he has to tidy his room up when you get home or set up a quiet reading time before dinner or something?”
“All good in theory, and maybe I'll try that, but his attention span is so short that he is next to me moments after he starts to do something. I was trying to figure out my bills the other night and he just couldn't give me ten minutes of peace to think!”
“Well, maybe we should spend more time together as a group. Robby seems to like Colin and Colin does okay with him. Plus I can help give you a break - not to mention I can take my mind off worrying if Colin feels okay.”
“Yeah.” He lifted his cup and then set it back down slowly. “You know, I'm afraid I suck at this. I got into foster care to do something positive for a kid and I feel like I'm just not doing it right.”
“Hey, they told us in class that sometimes people just don't work out together. It sounds like you need a chance to catch your breath. He's been with you for almost a month; why don't you ask for a respite weekend?”
“Well, it had crossed my mind but I was worried what Robby might read into that. What if he thinks I don't want him there? I mean,” he looked down at the ground and admitted, “sometimes I wonder if I do. I'm feeling all kinds of inadequate here.”
“Hey, slow down and don't be so hard on yourself. You got a tougher kid than I did, in some ways, but I think you're doing all right. Plus, I'm here to help you. We're in this thing together, right?”
“Yeah, in theory,” he said while smiling. “Except at night it's just me and Robby.”
“Well...have you given any thought to my suggestion that we move in together?” I asked tentatively.
“Yeah, I definitely have,” he said with a pleased smile. “The kids are in the same school district and my lease is coming up for renewal and I'd get to wake up next to you every day...”
“I sense a 'but'.”
“Well...I'm concerned that our relationship might suffer with us getting used to each other in close quarters, which is an adjustment for any new couple.”
“True,” I replied.
“Then you add the kids and our concerns with them, and Robby does take a lot of attention and energy...it's a lot to take on, a lot of stress on our relationship.”
“Well, I agree. But I think it's worth pointing out that, if we can keep what you just said in mind, we can be reasonable about working through things when they come up.” I placed a hand over his. “As long as we communicate – even if it's just to say 'I need a minute alone'.”
Ian was quiet, his only movement to roll his hand over and grip mine. A smile grew across his face and he said, “One last thing you should know before you get committed to this thing.”
I raised an eyebrow in question.
“So, my dryer looks like a rainbow threw up in it.”
“Your...what?”
“Yeah,” he said with a laugh. “Robby left crayons in his pocket and I didn't check before I did laundry. I'm not used to checking, I empty my pockets at night!”
“Right, check the kids' pockets before washing their clothes,” I said with a smile. “Or you can do what I do. I was pretty sure Colin didn't want me handling his underclothes and whatnot, so I taught him how to wash his own stuff. Now, we can oversee Robby, but then he can fold and put away his own stuff.”
“Robby and appliances? You like to live dangerously!” Ian said with a laugh.
Tull
I was torn about how to move forward and talking with Ian hadn't really cleared it up for me. I wanted to talk to Colin, to see how he was feeling but was afraid I'd push him too hard without meaning to. I realized I couldn't deal with Colin from a position of fear – my fear that he wouldn't want to stay. My fear that I wasn't showing enough empathy or wasn't nurturing enough – or that I was overdoing it. Each fear fed on the other in a never ending cycle.
I headed home but on the way I put a call in to Gloria. Maybe she could offer me some advice, I reasoned. Unfortunately, I had to leave her a message and so continued to stew. I drove home on auto pilot, obsessing over what my next move should be. If I asked him if he liked living with me would he take that as an opportunity to express himself, or would he interpret it as a challenge of some kind? Would he take it as being pressured to tell me what I want to hear? Would he be afraid – or care – if the wrong answer might mean being sent to live elsewhere? Nothing could be further from the truth, but I knew he'd been betrayed by adults, and not that long ago. I didn't want to raise the specter of that fear in our relationship, not if I could help it.
He hadn't made any overt actions that let me know he was unhappy - far from it. He was polite with me, he didn't ask for much and he was quiet and respectful. He was a teenager, though. He left his shoes all over the house, no matter how many times I'd asked him to put them in his closet when taking them off. He was forever leaving glasses all over the house and his room was a mess.
I raised my voice, sometimes, when my frustration reached a breaking point. For instance, the other night I walked into the living room and nearly went ass over teakettle because of his shoes, which I'd tripped over. I not only tripped on the first one, but stepped awkwardly on the second as I tried to regain my balance. In those rare instances, when I'd snap at him, he made me feel like I'd kicked a puppy. His face would tighten with anxiety and he'd hasten to pick up the shoes or the glass or whatever, but the look on his face is what stayed with me.
I parked in the driveway and let myself into the house. After putting Jasper out I decided to make a cup of tea and cogitate on this problem. It was simple, really. I just wanted to know if he was happy here. I didn't want to know if he wanted to be adopted – it hadn't been long enough for him to get over what those goat-fucking bible-thumpers had done to him. All I could think of was how something like that messes with a person's sense of self-worth, their sense of security. How do you get over something like that?
The kettle started to scream and, with perfect timing, Gloria was calling me back.
“Hello, Gloria.”
“Mike! Listen, I have to come do a home visit. How about I come over and then I can meet with Colin after we chat. Would that work? Do you have time today?”
“I do, yes. This work-from-home program has really been great for me. I can be home every day when Colin gets home.”
“Oh, that sounds so sweet to hear you say!” she replied with a chuckle. “He gets under your skin, doesn't he?”
“He does. Has. So,” I cleared my throat, “I'll see you soon then?”
“Yes, give me about twenty minutes. I just have to make one more call and I can get right over there. I have a form for you to take him to get his eyes checked and he needs a physical.”
After hanging up I sat at the dining room table. The corners of my mouth involuntarily twitched upward when I thought of Colin, but not for any specific reason. As I admitted to myself earlier, he's not a perfect child, but the more he lived with me, the more I wanted him to be my child. I drained my cup and then tidied up the table and put on a pot of coffee; Gloria was sure to accept a cup. Then I waited impatiently for her to arrive, whiling away the minutes by rubbing Jasper's ears.
Finally she was in the driveway and I opened the door before she'd even climbed out of her car.
“Hi!” she said with a little wave and a bright smile. “Sorry, that call took longer than I thought it would.” She stepped into the house and I greeted her and offered her a cup of coffee.
“You know me too well,” she said with a sigh. She put her bag down by the dining room table and took a seat. I put a cup and the carafe out for her along with the cream and sugar. I had decided to let her doctor her cup before I jumped in.
“So,” she said as she reached for the carafe. “You're worried, at least your message made it sound like you're worried. What's going on?”
“Well, nothing I can put my finger on, exactly,” I replied slowly, not wanting to sound as insecure as I was afraid I would. She sipped and busied her hands by shuffling papers in a folder and extracting selected sheets of paper.
“Has Colin had trouble at school?” she asked.
“No, not at all!”
“Has he had trouble adjusting to the home? Has he accepted your authority?”
“He's a little withdrawn, but he's cooperative and compliant. He's a nice kid.”
“All right...can you give me some idea what is troubling you?” she asked. She closed the folder and began tapping the selected pages into a neat pile as she waited for me. I couldn't think of a more circumspect way to say it, so I just started to talk.
“The longer Colin is here the more I expect to see signs that he's happy or that he wants to stay here or that he's putting down roots. I have no idea if he's attached to me or wants to be here, I have no idea how he feels – and I don't want to badger him into a response.”
Gloria sat back in her chair and regarded me steadily, with a knowing smile on her face. “Why, Mike Tulley. I do think you've grown fond of our Colin.”
“What gave it away?” I said with a wry smile.
“Oh, Mike, what you're going through is very typical,” Gloria said reassuringly. “You also have to keep in mind that we're not that far along in Colin's placement here. To put things in perspective, in the last year Colin has discovered his parents weren't his biological parents and that his adoptive parents refused to accept him for who he is. Before I brought him to you, he didn't want to be adopted.”
“Yeah, I know the history,” I replied.
“I know you do, dear, but we have to remember it if we're going to understand where he's coming from and what he's feeling. Colin has had everything ripped out from under him. His sense of self was taken away from him along with the sense of family that he’d had with his adoptive parents. That was illusory, no stronger than smoke. Now,” she said and paused to sip from her cup before continuing, “like most people, Colin is a social creature, and he needs a reliable adult. Even though he's reeling from everything that's happened, he's used to having a stable adult in his life. I have no doubt he still wants and needs that, but he's scared.”
“I understand all that. I just wish I had some idea of what's going on in his head!” I said with a tinge of frustration in my voice. “He's such a quiet kid and he's respectful and...I'm afraid he's not sharing with me if he's hurting or...”
“Mike, every decent parents since the dawn of time has wondered what's going on in the head of their teenager,” she said with a raucous laugh. “Honey, if we ever find out how to understand teens we could write a book and retire!”
“I know,” I said with a reluctant smile. “I just wish I could tell if he likes it here, if he's happy.” I hesitated, then added, “If he wants to stay.”
“Well, has he made his room his own space? Does he retreat there for privacy?”
“His room looks like a Salvation Army drop off,” I replied with a frown. “He has to be the messiest kid I've ever seen when it comes to his room.” I pointed at her for emphasis as I continued, “He picks up his plate and rinses it before putting it in the dishwasher. He'll vacuum and dust with no protest, he doesn't leave trash out on the counters or anything – but when it comes to his room?” I shook my head.
“Mm hmm,” Gloria nodded. “Has he decorated the room?”
“A little. We put a book case in there for a few books and some of his things, I even managed to get him to read a few of those books. We put up a poster...” I spread my hands out to indicate that was the extent of it.
“That's a good thing,” she said. “If he kept it overly clean he could feel like a guest and would try to keep things neat because of that. Making a mess and confining it to space that is his, that's a good sign. The fact that he respects the rest of the house is also encouraging. His next steps could be the most telling – many kids who fear being rejected will follow some destructive patterns.
“A child like Colin - who may be just as afraid that you don't or won't want him as you are that he won't want to stay – may engage in a few, select, disruptive behaviors. Many times kids who feel themselves getting too close will sabotage things. They act out, causing problems in school and disrupting the routine at home. This is because of their fear, not because they are unhappy with where they are – no matter what may come out of their mouths.”
“He hasn't displayed anything like that,” I said with a shake of my head.
“Have you had to discipline him for anything?”
“Nothing major,” I said while casting about in my mind. “He leaves some lights on and I got a note from his English teacher that he'd missed turning in some assignments. He had them in his folder, as it happens, but he said he'd forgotten to bring it to class when the papers were due and the teacher will not accept them past the period in which the students see her.”
“Some teachers have strict rules; it's something he'll have to learn to accept and adapt to,” she responded.
“But, other than that? He gives me a little moodiness here and there; he complains about watching 'old movies' with me – movies that he ends up liking, by the way,” I pointed out.
She just rolled her hands at me in a 'go on' gesture.
“Gloria I just don't know if he's happy here and...that worries me.”
“I understand,” she said with a reassuring smile. “Let's not forget that it's only been a few months and your feelings aren't complicated like his recent history is to him; I'm sure he still has some confusion. Attachment issues with kids are common, but it's just as common for the foster parent to become attached to the child. The good news is, you know this is what you want. Colin still has fears to deal with. Considering that, as I mentioned, he was against adoption before you took him...I'd say he's doing pretty darned well.”
“He is doing well!” I agreed quickly. “I just...am I expecting too much?”
“Oh, that's always hard to say, Mike. Even though, psychologically, we can predict some behaviors and some potential reactions with kids, it's always different for each one. For instance, a child that comes into a home and displays certain behaviors – throwing tantrums, let's say – and gets over them may suddenly display those behaviors as part of testing. They may occur when things are going fine, with no apparent trigger or there may be some large event, like the discussion of adoption – of permanence, of 'forever' – that stresses them and they react the way they have in the past.
“With Colin, that's harder to interpret. He doesn't have a history of overt displays of emotion, despite what you saw at the group home. Given that, his cues will be more subtle as befits his nature.”
“Do you think it's a good idea to sit down and talk to him about what I'm...where we are going?”
“I think it's good to communicate how you're feeling, that you're happy he's in your life and sharing your home,” she said while idly smoothing the documents in front of her. “This is going to be like any other relationship in that it needs proper and frequent communication. He's going to need a lot of reassurance that you care for him, that you want him and that you love him. When he doubts if you are sincere – as he likely will – you have to remember it's not because of anything you have or haven't done, it's because of the damage he's suffered by his adoptive parents betrayal.”
I thought on that for a moment while Gloria topped off her coffee. It was always easy to hear people say that you couldn't take something personally, but it wasn't always so easy to comply with it in practice. I knew I loved this kid, even if I hadn't said so to anyone yet – not aloud. But I wasn't sure how well I could accept it if his outward reaction would be to reject that love because of his fears and his past.
“This form is for his doctor – have you selected one yet?” Gloria asked. She was a clever gal, moving us to more mundane topics while I digested the previous one.
“Yes, my doctor's office will accept his insurance and indicated they'd take him as a new patient.”
“Okay, the doctor needs to fill this out; it's been nearly a year since his last physical. Has he made any friends at school?” she asked, changing subjects and looking down at the next document in her pile.
“Actually, I think so. He was late coming home from school the other day and I got a little nervous,” I said with some embarrassment.
“Mike, there's no reason to get embarrassed that you were worried for your child,” Gloria smiled and patted my hand. “It's a natural response.”
“I know, I shouldn't react that way,” I said with a nod of my head. She waved that off, dismissing it and I continued.
“I just feel odd - good, but odd – to think of him as my son. When his routine broke and I couldn't find him – through the school or the bus garage – I got nervous. You know what? I don't even think I thought to send him a text?”
“You got him a phone?” Gloria asked.
“Yeah, I thought it would be easier to stay in touch. Plus, so many kids use them with their friends...”
“You just want to be careful that he's not using it to reach out to people in his old life, that could be very painful for him and he needs to be able to focus on building on what he has. We should look into therapy for him, he's had a nice break from it and it may be more productive now.”
“Right,” I said slowly. “Anyway, he was late and I was just heading out the front door to go look for him at the school and – there he was! - on the stoop with this other boy.”
“He brought a friend home? I'd say that's positive,” Gloria noted.
“Well, I was so relieved I just gathered him into a hug,” I admitted. “Then, when I told him I'd been worried and asked where he'd been he told me, a little haltingly, that he'd been with a friend. I hadn't even noticed the other boy there!”
“Haltingly? He hesitated to name this boy a friend?”
“That's what it seemed like. So, being that Colin is gay, I wondered if there was some kind of crush going on and – you'll never believe this – but the other kid seemed to read my mind and said, 'I'm Nick and I have a boyfriend named Matt. Colin and I really are just friends.' Can you believe it?”
Gloria was laughing along with me, shaking her head and not daring to lift her coffee cup for fear of spilling it. Her fingers just loosely clung to the handle while her body shook with mirth. “How did Colin react?”
“Oh, he just blushed – it was adorable – and so,” I said through my chuckling, “I held out my hand to introduce myself to Nick and I said, 'I'm...' and he cuts me off, right? Says, 'You're Colin's dad, I know.' Which made me wonder...”
“Did Colin react to that?”
“I'm not sure,” I said with a nearly unnoticeable tremor suddenly invading my voice. I pushed the sugar bowl around to use up a sudden spike of nervous energy as I replied. “I glanced at him but it made me think...he's telling people I'm his dad. I kind of choked up, a little.”
“It's a great feeling,” Gloria said with a wide smile.
“Of course, it's also, you know,” I stumbled over my words while clearing my throat. “But it may not. It could be just that it's easier to tell people something like that rather than tell them your life story.”
“Well, there is truth in that and I'd be lying if I didn't say some kids did that to simplify the situation with others. But I think there is nothing wrong with enjoying how that title feels. Feels good, doesn't it?”
“Oh, it's just so...” I stopped and covered my mouth to hide the smile. I felt like a gushing school girl! “It's wonderful, overwhelming and...”
“I think talking to Colin – just, you know, letting him know how much you like having him here – I think that kind of reassurance is what Colin needs most.”
“I'm just...” I paused and covered my mouth as a wave of emotion hit me and made my words feel thick in my mouth. “I'm a little surprised at the...emotion. The way I'm feeling about him after what seems like a short time.”
“Kids can get under our skin the way puppies and kittens do,” she said with a chuckle. She reached across the table to pat my hand. “Just let him know you care and give it some time. One thing in your favor is that Colin is so well-adjusted. A great many of the teens in care have been in the system several times and they have never had permanency in their young lives. Colin had that until he was a teen.
“That doesn't mean he doesn't have issues to work though,” she said as she leaned back in her chair. “He's surely got abandonment issues, for instance. But I think he can work through them, with your help.”
I felt a tear track down my cheek and I couldn't tell if it was from joy, hope or a sense of painful confusion Colin might feel. Maybe it was all three.
“I just have a few more forms we need to review before Colin gets home,” Gloria said while allowing me a second to get a grip on myself.
Tull
Colin walked in on time and greeted Gloria with a smile. She sat at the table with him and asked about friends and school before asking to see his room. I assumed this was dual purpose – so she could chide him about his mess and allow them to speak in private – and so I busied myself with starting dinner. I coated the chicken and began browning it in a pan, then turned to chop the bell peppers, onions and garlic for the dish.
Gloria called out that she was leaving and I came out to say goodbye and then it was back to Colin and me. He walked into the kitchen in his school clothes, minus the sneakers and hoodie. There is something indescribably familiar and comfortable seeing him like that. Removing his ever-present hoodie was one thing, but walking around in his socks made me feel – right or wrong – that it spoke of a certain level of comfort. Stupid way to feel about a kid in his socks.
“Hi,” he said, sounding very chipper.
“Hi, bud. How was school?”
“Good, really good,” he replied. “Can I help?”
“Uh, sure. Grab a fork and turn the chicken over for me?”
“Okay.”
“So what was so good about school?” I asked.
“Promise not to laugh?” he asked after a brief hesitation.
“Honest,” I said with a smile.
“Well, there's this guy at school,” he began.
“Was it Nick?” I preempted him. I didn't want to repeat my mistake of assuming it was someone he was attracted to, but I had opened my mouth so fast the only course correction I could make was to ask this question.
“No, his boyfriend. Matt? He mentioned him yesterday?” Colin's face had blushed bright red at speaking of the relationship and I could only imagine he was still getting used to that not being a bad or unusual thing.
“Yeah? Is Matt cool?”
“Very,” Colin said, trying to recover his composure. “He and Nick are, like, the perfect couple.”
“Oh? Do tell.”
“They just, like, get each other. Matt had this bad experience dating the first time and, I guess, it's made him a whole lot better boyfriend. Nick is pretty lucky like that.”
“Experience is a good teacher, although sometimes a mean one.”
“Yeah...” Colin trailed off.
“There is a can of diced tomatoes in the cupboard; would you take it out and open it for me?” I asked. I wanted to let him off the hook, since it seemed like he might be questioning if he really wanted to tell me what was so cool about his day. On the other hand, I figured if I gave him a little space maybe he'd want to continue, so I gave him the option and waited.
“So this guy,” Colin said as he looked away from me and worked to get the can in place under the opener. “His name is Peter. He's some officer in the GSA and I guess he kind of hits on every new guy that joins.”
“That sounds uncomfortable,” I said carefully.
“Yeah, it was. Peter was the guy Matt dated, the bad experience? So Matt tries to look out for new people, kind of let them know there is other people to hang out with than Peter.”
“Matt sounds like good people.”
“I think so. He and Nick, they really feel like they're my friends. I like them a lot.”
“Nick seemed very nice,” I said in agreement. The room filled with the sound of the electric can opener doing its noisy work. I dropped the onions and peppers into the pan and covered it. Colin set the opened can on the counter by the stove and leaned against the counter.
“So...I lost my phone for a little bit a few weeks ago,” he said quietly.
“You did? When?” I asked. The phone wasn't overly expensive, but neither was it something that could be repeatedly replaced.
“A couple weeks ago. This guy at school, Wyatt, he said he saw it fall out of my pocket in class and he gave it back to me at lunch.”
“Oh, that's a relief,” I said as I added the garlic to the veggies and allowed it to cook for a few more minutes.
“Yeah. I was really worried when I realized my phone was gone,” Colin said in such a small voice that I was instantly alarmed.
“Colin,” I said as calmly as I could. “You're such a smart kid I never thought to talk to you about this – I should have but – was there something on that phone that shouldn't be?”
“Like what?” Colin asked, eyes wide.
“Well,” I said, licking my lips nervously and looking right at my cooking pan so as to avoid looking at his face when I blurted, “like pictures. Of you. The sexting thing.”
“What?” he squeaked. “Oh my God, no! No! Ew!”
I glanced at him and his mixture of shock and horror was so comical I burst out in nervous giggles. He started to laugh with me and we enjoyed a nice tension breaking moment.
“Sorry, okay,” I said as I wiped my eyes. “But for future reference, selfies are strictly above the waist, yeah?”
“Yeah, okay,” he said with a blush but smiling at the awkwardness of the situation. His dimples stood out and my heart ached for this kid who'd been thrown away. How could you look at that face and not want to hold him to you? To experience the joy of watching him grow and learn and fall in love?
“Anyway,” I said slowly, my voice thick with emotion for what felt like the tenth time that day.
“Yeah, anyway,” he said. “I was texting and I said I had been really afraid to lose the phone because...I thought you'd think I was irresponsible.”
“Well, it wouldn't have been a good thing but you have to show a pattern of losing and misplacing things to be irresponsible, I think,” I replied. “Here, put the chicken on top of the veggies and then let's put the tomatoes on top.”
He forked the pieces of browned chicken and placed them in the pan and then covered them with the diced tomatoes. After covering the dish I washed my hands and noticed Colin standing by the stove, looking as if he were struggling with something. I decided that I could say something, maybe make it easier for him to say what was on his mind - or maybe we'd say something more important than what happened with his phone.
“Colin, I've been meaning to tell you something,” I said as casually as I could. I leaned against the counter and tried to quell the butterflies in my stomach. Why was it that looking at Colin inspired not only parental feelings that I could understand – like wanting to protect him and hold him close – but also made me want him to like me, and to be worthy of being his dad.
“I spoke to Gloria for a while before you got here, about your progress and where things are going.”
“Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?” Colin asked, his brow wrinkling in concern.
“No,” I said as I pushed off the counter and towards him. “No, not at all. You're a great kid.”
“Why do I feel like there is a 'but' coming?”
“But,” I said more to tease him than anything else. “I'm wondering how you feel about being here. You know, if you're happy. If you have everything you need...if you want to be here.”
He glanced at his socks and moved his weight from one foot to the other. Bringing his face up he met my eyes and asked, “Why?”
“Colin, it's only been a few months and we have a long way to go. But...I'm really loving having you here with me, and I think you should know that.” My nerves were unexpectedly humming and I felt small tremors moving in my arms. “Someday, I want to be your dad.”
His mouth twitched and his hands began to move, then stilled before he shoved them into his pockets. It started with a single tear and in the space it took for us to reach each other – I couldn't tell you how full of tears his eyes were because mine were full as well.
“I love you, Colin,” I said as I reached out and held him close and felt him trembling with his tears.
“I love you too, dad.”
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