Bright Things Come to Confusion
A Killian Kendall Expanded Universe Short Story
By Josh Aterovis
Copyright 2026
Chapter 4
Standing in the doorway was my dad.
In person, he didn’t look all that different from the last time I’d seen him — just not quite as tall. I guess he hadn’t shrunk. I’d just gotten taller. His shoulders were still broad, his reddish-blond hair was still cut short and neatly parted, and his eyes were the same pale blue I remembered. There was a bit more gray at his temples, and he looked like he might be in better shape, but otherwise, he was the same Dad I’d carried in my memory all these years.
As he focused on my face, it took him a second to realize who I was, then a few more seconds to process the fact that I was standing on his doorstep. He stared speechlessly at me, his eyes wide, and his mouth forming a perfect “O” of surprise.
“Hi, Dad,” I squeaked.
“Oh my God, Seth,” he whispered, and then a shout, “Seth!”
He lunged toward me, pulling me into a bone-crushing bear hug. Before I knew it, I was clinging to him like a child, sobbing into his shoulder—Cole momentarily forgotten. I didn’t know how long we stayed like that, lost in our own little world, speaking a silent language only we understood. Eventually, though, I became aware of Cole still standing awkwardly on the steps—and that we’d been joined by another man, roughly Dad’s age, watching quietly.
I didn’t want to let go, but Dad gently pushed me away and held me by my shoulders, looking me over intently.
“I can’t believe how much you’ve grown,” he said, his voice choked with emotion. “I doubt I’d even recognize Kane now.”
I couldn’t help grinning. “He doesn’t look that different. He’s not grown as much as I have.”
He shook his head in confusion. “But what...how...?”
“It’s a long story,” I said.
He suddenly seemed to remember that we weren’t alone. “Well we can’t stand out here on the front steps all day. Come in, and, uh, you too, of course,” he added to Cole, who was still trying to melt into the scenery.
We followed Dad and the other man through a short entranceway and into a well-decorated living room. The color scheme was decidedly masculine, all dark browns and tans. It was very cozy and den-like. I don’t know what I had been expecting but this wasn’t quite it. We all stood awkwardly in the center of the room for a few moments; no one seemed to know what to say.
Finally, Dad took the initiative and began a round of introductions. “Steve, this is my son Seth,” he said formally. “Seth, this is...” He paused and looked into Steve’s eyes. “...this is my boyfriend, Steve.”
My heart stopped. So Kane was right. Dad was gay...and Steve was his boyfriend.
I took a better look at the man standing next to my dad. Steve was about the same height as Dad, a little over six foot, and just as fit. His hair and eyes were dark, and he had a well-trimmed mustache. He shook my hand with a warm smile.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Seth. I’ve heard an awful lot about you.”
“It’s, uh, nice to meet you too, Steve.”
And then it was time for me to introduce Cole.
“Cole, this is my Dad.” As I was speaking, several things clicked into place at once. I took a deep breath and couldn’t hold back my grin. “Dad, this is my boyfriend, Cole.”
I don’t know who was more surprised, Cole, Dad, or Steve. The looks on their faces were so comical it was all I could do not to laugh out loud.
“Boyfriend?” Cole and Dad chorused, recovering at the same time.
I just grinned in response.
“You mean...you’re...”
“Gay,” I announced happily. It felt so right and so...good just to say it out loud. It was strangely freeing. It was almost like I was accepting it myself for the first time.
Dad looked like he needed to sit down. For that matter, so did Cole. Steve must have agreed with my assessment, because he gently took Dad by the arm and led him to the nearby sofa. “Have a seat,” he said, indicating the two overstuffed armchairs.
Cole and I sat and waited for Dad to process this new bit of information.
“So how did you find your dad?” Steve asked to fill the silence.
“Google.”
“Of course,” Steve said with a chuckle.
"Actually, um, I was the person who texted you this morning asking if you were accepting work and made an appointment to meet with you on Monday," I confessed. "I guess you can cancel that since I showed up early."
“You’re gay?” Dad asked suddenly, as if he hadn't heard a word I'd said since I'd come out.
“Yeah.”
“Did you know I was before you came here?”
“Kind of, but I just found out recently.”
“I guess your mother told you.”
“No, actually Kane did. Mom never even mentions you.”
“Kane?” Dad exclaimed. “How does he know?”
“He overheard you and Mom fighting that night...the night you left. He’s known all along but he never told me. I guess he thought I knew too.”
Dad shook his head in disbelief. “When did you figure out that you were gay?” he asked.
“I knew before you left. Actually, I’ve spent the last few years thinking that was why you left.” A pained expression crossed Dad’s face. “I thought you and Mom found out and you couldn’t stand it, so you left."
"What? No! That's not what happened."
"I know that now. But for a long time, I blamed myself, especially when Mom...withdrew."
"Withdrew?"
"She...changed after you left."
"Changed how?"
"She became cold, distant. I thought it was all my fault. I thought if I could just force myself to be straight, things might go back to normal. Pretty dumb, huh?”
Dad looked stricken. “Seth, I am so sorry. I don’t ever want you to have to pretend to be something you’re not,” he managed to say. “I did that for most of my adult life, and you and Kane were the only good things to come out of it. But what made you think we knew you were gay?” Dad asked.
“I thought you found my pictures on the thumb drive and figured it out.”
His eyes grew large. “Those were your pictures?”
I blushed. “Where did you think they came from?”
He shook his head. “Your mother thought they were mine and I thought she’d downloaded them just to use against me.”
“Use against you how?” I asked sharply.
Dad pursed his lips. “Never mind. I shouldn’t have said as much as I have. I was just so shocked...”
“No, tell me.”
“Seth...”...”
“Please, Dad. I need to know what happened. I’ve spent so many years blaming myself.”
He glanced up at Cole. Steve cleared his throat, “Hey, uh, Cole, why don’t we go get a soda in the kitchen”?”
Cole leaped out of his chair like it had burned his bottom. He was clearly eager to escape this emotional scene.
When the two of them had exited, Dad patted the cushion next to him, and I moved to sit on the couch.
“Your mother and I, we’d been having issues for years, pretty much our entire marriage, really. I was always gay, but I was raised to be very religious and I was in denial. I married your mother to try and deny who I truly was. I tried to make it work for you and Kane, but I was reaching a breaking point. Before I could even talk to your mother, she confronted me with that damn thumb drive.”
I looked away guiltily.
He continued. “She accused me of being a pedophile. I’m sure all the models were over eighteen, but they looked young. It looked especially bad that they were just a few years older than you. She wanted me to stay away from you and Kane. There was no way to prove I hadn’t downloaded them. They were on a thumb drive plugged into my laptop. Your mother kicked me out and insisted she’d go to the police if I didn’t stay away from you boys. I didn’t want to have my name dragged through the mud, and I didn’t want you boys to have your father known as a pedophile. People talk. I didn’t want you to deal with that. And she had that thumb drive to hold over my head. I didn’t know what else to do, so I stayed away. I’m sorry. I should have fought—”
“You’re sorry?” I gasped raggedly. “I was right all along, I just had the details wrong.”
“Right about what?”
“It was all my fault. Those were my photos. If Mom hadn’t found them, she never would have kicked you out and kept you from us.” My voice kept climbing. I was fast approaching hysteria.
Dad grabbed me by the shoulders. “Seth, listen to me. None of this was your fault. Your mother and I are adults. You were just a kid. You......you’re still just a kid. I missed so much...”
“All this time I just thought you didn’t care about us,” I said in a small voice.
The tears started to roll down Dad’s face again. “I did care. I cared so much that I stayed away to try and protect you. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do, I don’t know, but I did what I thought was best at the time.”
We cried together for a few minutes and then we both seemed to dry up at the same time.
“Oof,” Dad said, humor warming his voice. “I haven’t cried like that in quite a while.”
“Me either.”
“So...” Dad said slowly. “How is your mother?”
I frowned. “Who knows? She lives in her own little world. She never pays attention to Kane and me except to yell at us if we do something wrong.”
Dad pressed his lips into a thin, straight line. “Then she doesn’t know you’re gay?” I shook my head no. “You might want to keep it that way for now,” he said, his voice carefully neutral. “And how’s Kane?”
“He’s good. He’s a great kid. More like my friend than my little brother. Very mature for his age.”
“Sounds like he’s had to be,” Dad said dryly. “Like you,” he added after a moment’s thought.
I grimaced. “I don’t feel very mature. Most of the time I feel like I’m some dumb little kid that just manages to screw everything up.”
He laughed. “Hey, I still feel that way too sometimes.” He looked at me and just shook his head. “I can’t believe you’re sitting here in my living room.”
I grinned and wiggled my eyebrows. “Believe it.”
He laughed. “Let’s go find Steve and your friend.”
“Boyfriend,” I corrected him, feeling a warm fuzziness just saying the word.
“Boyfriend,” Dad repeated. “He seemed as surprised as I was at that announcement. How long have you two been boyfriends?”
“How long have we been here?” I asked and we both laughed again. “He asked me a few days ago but I wasn’t sure before. Somehow, it just seemed right at that moment.”
“I think I can understand that. What’s his name again?”
“Cole.”
“Cute name.” He grinned. “Cute kid. You have good taste.”
I giggled. “I could say the same for you.”
We located Cole and Steve in the kitchen. They were sitting at the table eating ice cream and looking awkward. Steve jumped up as we came into the room.
“Everything okay?” he asked, his eyes shifting between the two of us.
“Everything is great,” Dad said.
“Ice cream?” Steve offered.
“None for me, thanks,” Dad said.
“Me either, but thanks anyway,” I said, sitting next to Cole. He looked over at me and smiled.
“So, will we be seeing more of you around here?” Steve asked.
I looked over at Dad, but he just shrugged. “I sure don’t have a problem with it, but I have a feeling your mom would.”
“She doesn’t have to know,” I suggested tentatively.
Dad raised his eyebrows. “I don’t know if I want to be a part of sneaking around behind your mother’s back.”
I felt my face crumple. “But I just found you again! I don’t want to lose you already."
He sighed. “I don’t want to lose you either. I guess we don’t really have a choice.”
I turned to Steve, eager to change the subject now that I’d gotten permission to continue seeing Dad. “Do you live here too?” I asked him.
He shook his head no. “I’m just visiting for the weekend. I live on the Eastern Shore.”
“How’d you guys meet?”
“After I left your mother, I spent a lot of time in Delaware, at a resort town that’s pretty gay friendly.”
“Rehoboth Beach?” Cole asked.
Dad nodded. “I became friends with an older gentleman who didn’t have any family. He kind of took me under his wing. I don’t know what I would have done without him.”
“What’s his name?”
“Charlie. He lived in Ocean City, but spent a lot of time in Rehoboth. He knew everybody in town. He introduced me to Steve, and the rest is history.”
“Do you still see Charlie?”
Dad suddenly looked sad, and Steve slipped his arm around Dad’s shoulder. “He died last year.”
“Oh...I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Dad said. “But tell me more about you. Tell me about school. How are you doing? What are you into these days?”
I told them about school and the upcoming play, and invited them both to come. We sat and talked for a couple hours before Cole reminded me that we needed to get home. I gave Dad my email address and phone number, so we could at least stay in touch that way until we could make plans to meet again.
We hugged at the door until Steve and Cole practically had to pry us apart. As soon as we were in the car, Cole exploded.
“Boyfriend!” he exclaimed with the air of someone who had held something in for far too long.
I giggled. “Well, if you’d rather not...”
“Are you kidding?” he interrupted me. “I want it more than anything! You just really caught me by surprise, to say the least.”
I giggled some more.
He leaned over and gave me a quick kiss before starting the car and heading for home. He glanced over at me out of the corner of his eye. “I’m really glad things worked with you and your dad,” he said softly. “And I’m really glad I got to be there for it. It makes me feel closer than ever to you.”
I nodded happily and reached over to take his hand. “I’m glad you were there too.”
We drove home in a contented, comfortable silence. When we arrived home, I leaned over and gave him a kiss without even thinking about it. I walked inside feeling as if I’d changed today and wondering if it would be something other people could see from the outside.
Mom was nowhere to be seen, which I was thankful for. I wasn’t ready to face her right now, knowing what she’d done to us. I went to look for Kane and found him on his bed listening to music and reading comic books. His back was to the door, and the music so loud in earbuds he didn’t hear me come into his room. I could hear it from the door.
I just couldn’t resist. I slowly crept up on him. I was just about to pounce on him with a roar when he sat up and screamed right in my face. I almost leaped from my skin. Kane collapsed back on the bed, overcome with laughter.
“Ha ha, very funny,” I said sourly as I sat next to him.
“Gotcha,” he said, still giggling. “You should have seen your face.”
“I didn’t think you heard me,” I said, finally cracking a smile. He had gotten me pretty good.
“I saw your reflection in the window. So what were you up to today? I was surprised when I got home and Mom asked me who your friend Cole was. She said you left with him this morning?”
I nodded. “What did you tell her?”
“I just said he was a friend from school and that you were both in theater together.” He narrowed his eyes and stared closely at me. “Something happened today, didn’t it?”
“Is it that obvious?” I asked, breaking into a grin.
“Maybe not to anyone else, but remember who you’re talking to here.”
I got up and closed his door before joining him once again on the bed. “I saw Dad today,” I whispered.
“What?” he screeched, his expression darkening. “You promised!”
“Shh! I needed to talk to him and I wanted to do it in person, not over the phone.”
For a moment, I thought he was going to stay mad at me, but then his face cleared. “I’m still kind of pissed, but tell me everything.”
So I did, quickly taking him through everything that had happened and all I had learned. When I finished, he just sat silently for a minute.
“In a way, I feel kind of sorry for Mom,” he said after a while.
“You what?” I asked in amazement.
“Come on, you have to admit that would be hard to accept. Finding out your husband is gay is one thing. That would be hard enough to deal with. But then she found those pictures and thought they were his. She must have thought that he wasn’t just gay, but he was also some kind of a pervert. It had to be really hard on her.”
“Hard on her? What about poor Dad? He thought she’d downloaded them to blackmail him into staying away from us. How do you think he felt? He couldn’t even see us. At least Mom got to see us, not that she ever seemed to care.”
“I’m not saying that I think it was harder on one than the other, Seth. All I’m saying is that I can see things from her side too.”
I pouted. I still wasn’t ready to stop being mad at her.
“Anyway,” he said after a minute, “Dad’s okay?”
I nodded grudgingly. “He seems like he’s really good. He has a nice place and his boyfriend seemed very nice.”
“Good,” he said with a certain satisfaction. “Can I go with you to see him sometime?”
“Sure,” I said, happy that he now seemed to be back on my side again.
When did it come to taking sides? a small voice asked inside my head. I purposefully ignored it.
“Oh!" I exclaimed. "I almost forgot. Something else happened today too.”
“What?” he asked.
“Cole and I became boyfriends,” I said, beaming.
“You said yes?” he asked excitedly.
I nodded.
“That’s great!” He threw his arms around me in a tight hug. “I’m so happy for you!”
“Thanks, little bro,” I said affectionately. “I’m really lucky to have a brother like you.”
“Yeah you are," he said.
I laughed and gave him a playful shove. “Admit it, you’d be lost without me looking after you.”
“Hey, I’m not a baby anymore. I can look after myself.”
“Fine, then how about if I go live with Dad?”
He lost his teasing smirk. “You’re not serious, are you?” he asked in an odd voice.
“I hadn’t really thought about it. It just came out.” I thought about it for a minute. “It does kind of make sense, though, you know?”
“Mom would never allow it.”
“I’m old enough to have some say in where I live.”
“I don’t want you to go.” He suddenly sounded upset.
“Kane, I never said I was going anywhere. Chill out.”
He took a few deep, calming breaths. “You’re right, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t think I could live without you. You’re not just my brother, you’re my best friend.”
I pulled him into another hug. “And you’re mine,” I told him. “But you could live without me if you had to. You’re a strong little man. You’ve got to believe in yourself. You’re going to have to live without me someday. I’ll go to college in a few years.”
He shook his head into my shoulder. “I don’t even want to think about it.”
“Neither do I, but you never know what could happen.”
I felt a strange chill run down my spine at my words.
“Let’s talk about something else,” he pleaded.
“Okay,” I eagerly agreed, and I began to tell him about my trip to the aquarium with Cole.
Soon, he was back to his usual good-natured self, but I couldn’t get my mind off our conversation. A nagging sense of foreboding had crept over me, ruining my good mood for the rest of the day.
The dark cloud hung over my head for the next few days, but eventually, as things progressed with Cole and nothing bad happened, I forgot all about it. And things did progress with Cole. We were making out every chance we could get, even in school. It was a bit risky to do it on campus, but it was like we couldn’t resist, and the risk made it even more exciting. By the end of our first full week as boyfriends, most of the school knew about us. Nobody seemed to care aside from our theater friends, and they were just excited for us.
Before I knew it, it was time for the opening night of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” It went beautifully, almost without a hitch. If Theseus and Hippolyta were a little stiff and needed a few cues, well, who cares? I never missed a line and neither did Cole.
I felt myself flush with secret pleasure each night when he said the lines he’d quoted to me in the park. His eyes would meet mine and it was as if he was saying them just to me. Dad and Steve attended the first night, Kane came the last night, and, to my knowledge, Mom didn’t show up at all.
The next couple weeks flew by. I spent all my free time with Cole, and even got to see Dad again, although Kane couldn’t go because he had a dentist appointment.
About a month after Cole and I started dating, Mom announced one Friday that she was going out of town for the weekend to visit her father, my grandfather. She gave Kane and me the choice to go with her or stay home alone. I didn’t hesitate to choose option B. I had never been close to my maternal grandfather. He was a distant, domineering retired military man of the sort who believes that children should be seen and not heard. I immediately began to imagine a whole night alone with Cole. I couldn’t wait to talk to him, but that night was graduation, and I didn't want to distract him before he walked.
Lia was supposed to pick me up since Amira was graduating too.
I dressed in a nice pair of khakis and a deep maroon button-down shirt. I fixed my hair in its usual carefully mussed look, just for Cole — he still insisted he liked it that way — and then I waited impatiently for Lia to show up.
The ceremony itself was mind-numbingly long. The speaker, someone I’d never heard of from the State Legislature, was obnoxiously dull. I could have sworn he was a little tipsy. He droned on about his first job, which apparently involved carrying sacks of shit...and he actually used the word “shit.” It would have been hysterical if it wasn’t so boring.
Then came the seemingly unending procession of students accepting their diplomas. We’re a pretty big school, so the graduating class was quite large.
Finally, it was over, and I went to find Cole. It took forever to find him in the throng of parents, family, and friends. Everyone looked alike in their caps and gowns. I finally found him posing for pictures with his parents. I waited patiently until they were finished before catching his eye. His face lit up as soon as he saw me. His mom turned to follow his gaze and smiled warmly at me.
“Judging by the look on my son’s face, I’m guessing you must be Seth,” she said as I approached.
I was surprised that she knew about me and it must have shown on my face because she laughed warmly.
“Oh, we’ve heard all about you. All good things of course,” she added with a wink. I know I must have blushed scarlet.
I shook hands with her and Cole’s father, mumbling something about it being a pleasure to meet them. She insisted I pose for a picture with Cole and then we stood chatting for a few more minutes before Mrs. McBride graciously excused herself and her husband, leaving me alone with Cole.
“Sorry about that,” Cole said as he pulled me into a tight hug.
“Nothing to be sorry about. They seem really nice. It just surprised me.”
“They’re great, but I should have warned you.”
“I have something for you,” I said, handing him the card I’d spent almost an hour picking out. “And I have a surprise too.” He stopped opening the card and looked at me expectantly. “Read the card first.”
He read the card and gave me another hug and a quick kiss on the cheek.
“That was really sweet,” he said. “But what’s my surprise?”
“Well, I have a graduation gift for you.”
“You didn’t have to get me anything, Seth!”
I giggled. “I didn’t get you anything, I’m giving you something.”
He looked at me in confusion. “Huh?”
“Think you can spend the night at my house tonight?”
His eyes slowly grew as the implications sank in. “But what about your mom and your brother?” he asked.
“She’s out of town and Kane went with her,” I said with a grin. “I’ll be home alone.”
“I’ll ask Mom and Dad,” he said with an answering grin. “Stay here,” he called over his shoulder as he took off to find them.
While he was gone, I spotted Amira with her family and went over to congratulate her. We were still talking when Cole appeared at my side, grinning from ear to ear.
“They said yes,” he said, barely containing his excitement.
“Who said yes?’ Amira asked, curious as always.
“My parents said I can stay at Seth’s house tonight,” he burbled.
Amira raised an eyebrow and gave me an appraising look. I couldn’t help but blush, which set Amira to smirking. “You two boys have fun,” she said with a wink. “But don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
I mock frowned. “All things considered, that doesn’t leave much, now does it?”
Amira laughed out loud and pulled me in for a hug. “I’m going to miss you when I go off to college,” she said out loud, and then added in a whisper meant only for me, “How about if you do all the things I wouldn’t do?”
I pulled away blushing hotter than ever. We said our goodbyes and she left with her family.
I turned to Cole. “I can’t believe your parents said yes! I’m so excited.”
“Me too, but there is one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“You have to come to my graduation dinner with my family.”
I blanched, but agreed.
Dinner was at a fancy seafood restaurant in the city, and his family turned out to be his parents, both sets of grandparents and his older sister, Bethany, who was away in college but had come back for Cole’s graduation. They were all very nice, but I couldn’t help feeling awkward. I felt like they all knew what Cole and I would be doing later that night. Not that I was even sure what we’d be doing, but I had some ideas and they all involved very little clothing.
After dinner, we stopped off at his house so he could pick up a change of clothes, then drove on to my house. It was dark and empty, as anticipated.
Once inside, however, we were both overtaken by a sudden case of shyness.
“What do we do now?” Cole asked nervously.
“Want to watch a movie?” I suggested.
“Sounds good.”
We went into the living room where I turned on the TV and flipped through the selection of movies, not seeing anything that appealed to me. I felt Cole move up behind me and slide his arms around my waist.
“Anything you want to see?” I asked.
“More of you,” he whispered huskily as he began to nuzzle my neck. All thoughts of movies fled from my brain. I gasped. “Would you be terribly upset if we skip the movie?” he asked.
“Who cares about a movie?” I said shakily.
I turned in his arms to face him and we began to kiss in earnest. His hands slid under my shirt to caress my chest. I took that as permission to do the same to him and slowly began to run my hands up and down his back, my lips never leaving his, our tongues entwined.
I don’t know how long we stood there, locked at the lips, before I noticed he was unbuttoning my shirt. His fingers moved nimbly up the row of buttons, faster than I could have imagined possible. Almost before I knew what was happening, he was pushing my shirt off my shoulders, where it fell to the floor. I was so caught up in the moment I didn’t even think to be self-conscious.
I began to unbutton his shirt, but my fingers were clumsy compared to his, fumbling with each button for far too long. Before I was even half finished, Cole simply grabbed the shirt and ripped it open, sending the remaining buttons flying in every direction.
I broke away from the kiss for the first time to drink in my first sight of his naked chest. It was just as I’d imagined it. Firm and toned, but not overly developed. He was beautiful. I looked up into his eyes and found him staring at my face.
“I’ve wanted this for so long,” he said softly, his voice gruff with desire.
“I’ve never done this before.”
For the first time since he’d slipped his arms around my waist, my brain had time to catch up with my body and I suddenly found myself scared and unsure. He’d had boyfriends in the past. I was completely new at this. He had experience. I had none. I wasn’t even sure what to do. What if I didn’t live up to his expectations?
“I know.” He sounded so gentle and loving.
“I don’t want to disappoint you,” I shyly admitted.
His face broke into a tender smile. “You could never disappoint me.”
He pulled me against him as he kissed me once more. As his bare skin touched mine for the first time, it felt like fire spreading across my chest. I pressed the entire length of my body against his. I could feel that he was as excited as I was.
I broke the kiss again, long enough to whisper, “Let’s go to my room.”
We half-walked, half-stumbled down the hall, kissing and touching everywhere, losing shoes and socks as we went, until we were wearing nothing but our pants when we finally arrived by my bed.
We stopped again, at the same time, almost as if we were thinking with one mind. I stared into his eyes, searching for something, although I didn’t know what.
“I love you, Seth.”
That was it. That was what I’d been searching for. He’d only whispered the words, but they had sounded like a shout to my heart. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, to capture the image into my memory forever. When I opened them again, he was staring at me anxiously. I realized he was waiting for a response.
I smiled and kissed him gently on the lips. “I love you, too.”
He leaned in for another kiss, but I surprised him by taking a step back. I locked eyes with him, and deliberately began to undo my pants. His eyes widened as they slowly traveled down my chest and over my stomach to where my hands were working. I pushed the pants down and stepped out of them. Now I was only in my underwear.
He started to take a step toward me, but I placed a hand firmly on his chest, stopping him. I let my hand slide seductively down his stomach. He sucked in a breath with a sharp hiss. Finally, my hand reached his waistband. I hooked a finger into the top of his pants and slid it around to his button. His mouth opened slightly as his breathing deepened. I undid the button with none of my earlier ineptness, tugged down the zipper, and then slid his pants down, revealing his tented boxer-briefs. I let my hand trail lightly over his bulge and he gasped out loud.
“I thought you were new at this,” he rasped.
“I am. Just a natural, I guess.”
And then, he was on me, pushing me back until I hit the bed and we fell over onto it together. Our hands were all over each other and I was suddenly caught up in something bigger than me. I don’t even know when the underwear came off, but everything after that remains perfectly clear. And it was incredible. What I didn’t know instinctively, Cole patiently and tenderly taught me. The lessons continued late into the night, or I guess it was morning, when we finally drifted off to sleep, totally exhausted, but completely satisfied, at home in each other’s arms.
I awoke with a start to find the sun streaming in through the windows. I glanced over at the clock to find it was almost noon. Cole was still wrapped around me, his arm across my chest and his leg thrown over mine. His face was nestled into my neck. I idly wondered what had woken me up.
And then I heard it. Voices. Inside the house.
With a jolt, I sat up in bed.
What was going on? Mom and Kane weren’t supposed to be back until tomorrow.
“What’s going on?” Cole asked, his voice blurry with sleep.
The voices were louder now and there was no mistaking my mother, especially when she was mad. And she sounded plenty angry.
“Shit!” I cursed, as I remembered the trail of clothes we’d left strewn from the living room to my bedroom.
A sudden fear clutched at my heart. This was not going to be pretty.
That thought had no sooner crossed my mind when my bedroom door flew open with a crash that brought Cole bolt upright beside me. We stared in wide-eyed terror at the tiny figure of my mother standing in the doorway. She looked like one of the mythical Furies, her eyes burning with rage, her lips curled up in a snarl.
“How dare you?” she growled.
“Mom, I...”
“Shut up,” she snapped. “I don’t want to hear it. I can’t believe this. What? Does it run in families? Is this like some sort of inheritable gene? Some disease that gets passed down from father to son?”
“Ms. Douglas, it’s not like that,” Cole spoke up, sounding angry. I had to admire him for his courage, at the same time marveling at his stupidity. “I love—”
“I said shut up!” she screamed at him with a vehemence that even caused me to flinch. “I leave for one night and come back to find my son in bed with some faggot slut and you think I want to hear about how you love him? You don’t even know what love is. ’You’re just a filthy cock-whore.”
Suddenly, my vision blurred. I’d always thought that “seeing red” was just a saying, but I discovered now that it wasn’t. I could never remember being so angry, so filled with hate.
“Shut up,” I said in a menacingly low voice.
Either she didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me. She just kept up with her horrible diatribe. “I’m so glad I left Kane with my father. I’d hate for him to have to find out his brother is nothing but a piece of faggot trash.”
“Shut up,” I growled, a bit louder. Something in my voice caused Cole to flinch away, but there was no stopping my mother.
“I should have known when I found out about your father that he’d probably already molested you, turned you into—”
“I said shut up!” I roared, leaping out of the bed, heedless to the fact that I was still completely nude. “Shut up! Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!” It finally seemed to sink in that I was slightly beyond control, and I had the pleasure of seeing something akin to fear swim through her eyes.
“Do you have any idea how much I hate you?” I asked through gritted teeth. “Dad didn’t make me gay and only a sick mind like yours would even think that. He’s never touched me in a sexual way and if you ever try to say he has again, I’ll—” I stopped, not sure what I’d do, but I could see in her eyes that I’d made my point. “I didn’t even know he was gay until a few weeks ago. All these years I thought he left because he found out I was gay and couldn’t stand it.”
Confusion flickered over her face.
“That’s right, Mommy Dearest, I’ve known I was gay since I was twelve. Those pictures you found? They were mine. I saw you looking at them that night and thought you’d figured it out. I waited and waited for you two to confront me. I fell asleep crying. I woke up the next morning to find Dad gone and I blamed myself.”
Tears were running freely down my face now as the words continued to tumble out. “I tried to be straight. I really did. I hoped that maybe it would make you love me again. You tell Cole he doesn’t know what love is, but you’re the one who doesn’t know the meaning of the word. All you care about is yourself. I’ve practically had to raise Kane since Dad left.”
She suddenly seemed to flare back up again, attempting to regain control of the situation. “You’d better not have laid a hand on him,” she shrieked.
“Fuck you!” I screamed. “You just don’t get it, do you? And you never will because you’re a selfish bitch.”
“Get out of my house,” she screamed back. “Get out and don’t ever come back!”
“Kicking me out, huh, Mom? Just like you did Dad.”
“Get your shit and get out!”
“With pleasure.” I leaped forward and slammed the door in her face.
“And don’t call me Mom ever again,” she screamed through the door. “I only have one son.”
I turned to find a shocked Cole cowering in the bed. As soon as I saw him, all the adrenaline rushed out of my system, and I suddenly felt weak-kneed. I sat heavily on the floor, as the steady trickle of tears became a torrent. The sobs caught me by surprise, ripping up through me with such force that it hurt.
I don’t know how long I cried before I felt Cole kneeling next to me. He hesitantly wrapped his arms around me, almost as if he was a little afraid of me. I curled into his body, grateful for the contact. Some part of my brain vaguely noted that we were both still naked, but there was no eroticism in his touch, only comfort.
Eventually, I cried myself out and I pulled gingerly away. We looked at each other without saying a word. There was something in his eyes that hadn’t been there before, but I wasn’t quite sure what it was.
“I’m sorry,” I said at last, although I wasn’t exactly sure what I was apologizing for. That he’d had to witness that? That we’d gotten caught? Everything?
“I...” He paused. “I thought you were going to hit her,” he said nervously.
I opened my mouth to deny that thought had even crossed my mind, but I stopped and thought about it. While it was true that I really hadn’t thought to hit her, I may have if she hadn’t stopped talking when she did.
“I didn’t plan on hitting her,” I said slowly. “But I was so angry, I probably could have.”
“I’ve never seen you like that.”
I shook my head. “That’s because I’ve never been like that before. I’ve never been that angry in my entire life. But when she started saying those things about you and Dad...” My voice trailed off.
“Where are you gonna go?” he asked after a minute.
“Dad’s,” I responded without hesitation.
“I’ll take you,” he said. I smiled gratefully at him. “Want me to help you pack?”
I nodded and stood up. I suddenly became very aware that neither of us was wearing a stitch of clothing and I felt myself blush. He grinned up at me.
“I’m sorry last night got ruined,” I said, turning quickly to pull on my boxers from last night.
“Nothing was ruined,” he said, standing and moving up behind me. He massaged my shoulders for a minute until I relaxed. “Last night was perfect. Nothing could ruin it. This morning was a separate thing. Sure, I would have liked to have been awakened a little more gently, and maybe had a second round...”
I blushed again and leaned back against his chest. I could feel that he was indeed ready for a second round. I was wondering how he could even be thinking about sex at that moment when my body started to respond on its own.
“I...I need to pack,” I mumbled.
“I know,” he said softly into my ear.
A few minutes before, being romantic was the last thing on my mind. It was quickly becoming the only thing on my mind. I couldn’t believe I was feeling like this so soon after what had transpired with my mother — and with her still in the house!
A sudden banging on the door quickly brought us both crashing back to reality.
“I’m leaving but I’ll be back in an hour,” Mom yelled through the door. “I want you gone when I get back.”
I stood still until I heard the car start outside and drive away. I moved away from Cole and he didn’t try to hold me back. I think he knew we didn’t have time to fool around. I got dressed then started opening drawers and pulling out my clothes, piling them in stacks on my bed.
“What are you going to pack them in?” he asked.
“There are trash bags in the laundry room on the shelf above the washer and dryer,” I told him. He slipped on his boxers and pants and left the room, reappearing a few minutes later with not only the box of trash bags, but also our other discarded clothing from the night before.
“Thanks,” I said. He opened a bag and I started dropping in the piles of clothes. My entire wardrobe barely filled one bag. I suddenly felt sad, seeing pretty much everything I owned in one black plastic trash bag.
That’s my life, I thought. My entire life in a trash bag. How appropriate.
That's when the doubts crept in. What if dad didn't want me? Where would I go then? Maybe I’d end up sleeping on the street. Or maybe I’d just kill myself and then it will be me inside a black bag.
“What else?” Cole asked, snapping me out of my dark reverie.
“Oh, um...I dunno. My school stuff I guess.” It didn’t take long to gather that together. Most of it was still in my backpack.
“What about your trophies and stuff?”
I glanced over the shelves of academic trophies and awards. “Nah,” I said. “Leave ‘em as a souvenir.”
“Come on,” he argued. “You worked hard for them. You might want them later.”
I let him talk me into packing them too. He insisted on wrapping each trophy in one of my T-shirts, which we had to dig out of the clothes bag. After that, we carried the bags out to his car.
“Anything else?” he asked while we were standing in the driveway.
“I should leave a note for Kane,” I said, just as Mom pulled into the driveway. She was back well before her allotted hour.
She got out of the car carrying a paper bag emblazoned with the logo of a local hardware store. She stared coldly at me, but stalked towards the house without saying a word. At the door, she stopped and spun around dramatically.
“I hope you have everything out because I’m changing the locks now,” she announced.
“I wanted to leave a note for Kane,” I said as evenly as I could manage.
“No,” she said simply.
“He’s my brother. He deserves to know what happened.”
“He’s no longer your brother. I’ll tell him all he needs to know.”
“Just like you told us about Dad? And he’ll always be my brother, you can’t change that.”
“You’ll never see him again,” she proclaimed haughtily, her head thrown back, eyes flashing. She looked like some sort of otherworldly elf queen. I felt a chill go down my spine.
I stood still, my eyes locked with hers, refusing to be the first that looked away. It was a battle of will and I would not give in.
“Come on, let’s go,” Cole said, opening his door. I didn’t move. “Seth?” I still didn’t move. Cole grew quiet as he watched the silent struggle between mother and son.
After what seemed like an eternity, she swung around and stormed into the house, slamming the door behind her.
I’d won, but somehow, the victory felt quite hollow.
“Are you ready now?” Cole asked softly.
I nodded and climbed into the passenger seat.
Neither of us spoke as we drove to Dad’s. I didn’t know what was going on in Cole’s mind, but he seemed different now, withdrawn. A gulf had opened, and it seemed to be ever widening. I didn’t know if things would ever be the same between us, but I had other things on my mind. Like, what if Dad didn’t want me living with him? He’d been on his own for a few years now, he had a boyfriend, maybe he wouldn’t want a kid around all of a sudden. Sure, he’d seemed happy to see me, but that was just a visit. Moving in was something else entirely.
What would I do if he didn’t want me? Where would I go? Cole had said his parents were supportive of his sexual orientation, but I doubted that would extend to allowing his boyfriend to move in with them. I didn’t have any other family really. Would I end up homeless? I’d read about gay kids who got kicked out and ended up on the streets hustling to survive.
That thought scared me. I had no street smarts and I knew it. I didn’t have much confidence that I’d survive long on the street.
We pulled up in front of Dad’s rowhouse and Cole turned the car off. We sat in silence for a minute, neither of us moving.
“He’s not going to turn you away,” Cole said after a minute. It was almost like he’d heard my thoughts. I turned to look at him.
“How do you know?”
He shrugged. “Because he loves you.”
And my mother didn’t. He didn’t say it, but it was there, hanging in the air. I gave a jerky nod and got out. I felt Cole’s presence behind me as I walked to the door and knocked.
Dad seemed surprised when he opened the door. “Seth, I didn’t expect you today,” he said. He looked behind me. “Hello there, Cole. Come on in, guys.”
“I hope it’s okay that I just showed up,” I said nervously as Dad started for the living room.
He stopped dead in his tracks and turned around. “Of course it is! I didn’t mean it to sound like that. This is your home, too. You’re always welcome here. I just meant that I was surprised to see you today.”
I felt my throat close and I had to fight down the tears that were threatening to spill over.
“Seth, what’s wrong?” Dad asked, quickly coming closer.
I somehow managed to squeeze the words past my throat. “Mom kicked me out.”
Immediately, Dad pulled me into a hug. He wasn’t quite quick enough to hide the pain on his face.
“I’m so sorry, son,” he said in a choked voice.
I was determined not to cry again, but it was a losing battle. Just the comfort of having my dad’s arms around me was enough to make me fall apart. He simply held me until I calmed down, then led me to the living room with his arm around my shoulder.
Cole followed as unobtrusively as possible.
“What happened?” Dad asked once we were all seated.
I haltingly began to tell him about Mom deciding to go see her father, and me inviting Cole to spend the night. I blushed at saying this to my father but there was no judgment in his eyes, so I continued. I told him how Mom had come home unexpectedly this morning and found us in bed together, and how she’d flown into a rage and thrown me out. By the time I was finished, I was almost in tears again. Dad gave me a second to get myself under control before he started speaking.
“I’m sorry that happened,” he said slowly. “I, of all people, know how that feels. I would have hoped your mother might have grown over the last few years, but it sounds like the only thing that's grown is her bitterness. But maybe this is all for the best.”
I must have looked at him like he’d lost his mind, because he chuckled a little. “Think about it, Seth. You can move in with me here and you can just be yourself. No more lying or hiding who you are.”
“You mean I can move in with you?” I said, sounding pathetic and needy, even to myself.
I saw pain flash through Dad’s eyes again. He was trying to be strong for me, but I could tell this whole situation hurt him as much as it hurt me.
“Of course you can live here, Seth. You didn’t think I’d turn you out on the streets, did you?” He paused, and the pain deepened. “You did, didn’t you?” He sighed. “What else would you expect? I disappeared from your life. You hardly know me anymore and your own mother just turned her back on you. Seth, you’re my son and you always will be. I love you. I want you to live here. You can’t know how much I’ve missed you and Kane. It’ll be a dream come true to have you with me.”
Seeing the sincerity in his eyes, I knew his words weren't just meant to comfort me. A weight seemed to lift, and I released a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. Despite the fresh tears welling up, I couldn't help but grin at him.
Then I thought of Kane. “Mom wouldn’t let me leave a note for Kane. I don’t want him to think I abandoned him.”
“Can you text him?”
“Mom won’t let him have his own phone yet.”
“Email?”
“Mom won't let him have a personal account either. He has a school account, but she monitors that.”
His eyes narrowed. “She's quite controlling, isn't she? Well, don’t worry about that right now. We’ll find a way to get news to him. Let’s get your stuff inside and into the spare bedroom — well, your room now.”
We quickly brought in my bags of belongings and Dad and Cole helped me get set up in my new bedroom.
The next couple of weeks were difficult but exciting. Dad and I got to know each other again, and I settled into my new living arrangements. Dad wanted me to finish out the school year at my old school since there were only a few weeks left, so he drove me there and picked me up each day.
I missed Kane horribly, but every time I tried to intercept him somewhere, I seemed to miss him. I went to his school one day, but the teachers wouldn’t let me talk to him. Apparently, Mom had told them that I was strictly forbidden from seeing him.
The one and only time I tried to catch him at home, Mom was there, and we just ended up having another huge fight. Kane hadn’t even been home. I worried about how he felt about me being gone and what Mom had told him, but just had to hope that he remembered how much I loved him and would know I hadn’t just abandoned him.
Cole and I didn’t see much of each other. He'd graduated so he wasn't at school, and the distance between us had continued to grow. It bothered me, but I had too many other things going on to worry about it too much.
The day after the last day of school, Dad asked me if we could sit down and have a serious conversation. My heart was in my throat as we settled into the living room. A million different scenarios were flying through my head. Was I in trouble? Had I done something wrong? Did he change his mind about me living there? Was Kane okay?
He didn’t leave me in suspense for long. “Son, I have a big decision to make, and I want you to be a part of it,” he said with a serious expression.
I nodded, still nervous but not as badly as I’d been just a few seconds ago.
“Before you showed up on my doorstep a month ago, Steve and I had been talking about me possibly moving to the Eastern Shore. Obviously, that discussion was tabled when you came back into my life, but it’s recently come up again. Steve and I have gotten pretty serious, and it’s a long drive back and forth from where we live now. I have a house in Ocean City...”
“Whoa!” I interrupted. “You have a house in Ocean City? Plus this place?”
“Remember my friend Charlie? He left me his beach house when he died. I’ve been thinking about moving there full-time. I want you to be a part of making that decision though. I can take you down to see it and let you think about it, but if you don’t want to move, we won’t.”
“Would Steve live with us?”
“No, neither of us is really ready for that. We would just like to be closer. You don’t have to answer right now, but I want you to think about it. Okay?”
That weekend, we drove down to Ocean City, and Dad showed me the house. It was incredible. It was on the north end of town, right on the beach. I fell in love with it at first sight. I gave Dad my answer that night.
“Are you sure?” he asked me. “What about leaving all your friends?”
“What friends? I don’t really have any. Amira, Lia, and Cole were pretty much the only people I ever talked to and Amira and Cole graduated this year. They’ll be going off to college this fall, and I’ve never been that close to Lia.” I sighed. “Besides, things with Cole are pretty much over anyway.”
“What? Since when?”
“He’s been getting kind of distant lately. I think it’s because he’s going to college in Florida. He won’t be coming back very often. I don’t think he’s really into the whole long-distance boyfriend thing.”
Truthfully, things hadn’t been the same between us since he’d witnessed my fight with Mom. I think it had scared him more than he’d wanted to admit.
Dad nodded. “What about Kane?”
“I already don’t see him and, if Mom has anything to say about it, I won’t, so it doesn’t really make any difference where I live. At least this way you can be closer to Steve. I really like the house, and it would be cool to live near the beach.”
“So you’re sure?”
“I’m sure. Maybe a fresh start is what we both need.”
Dad grinned and I could tell he was really happy with my decision. “You’ll make new friends at the school here, maybe even find a new boyfriend. It’s going to be great, I just know it!”
I grinned back at him, but once again, I felt a strange sense of foreboding sweep over me.
Stop being so negative, I told myself sternly, but I couldn’t hold back the shiver that ran through my body. Luckily, Dad didn’t notice my shudder or the falter in my smile.
We returned to Baltimore, but it was really only to pack up. I saw Cole one last time before we left. It was an amicable break-up. His relief was almost palpable when I told him we were moving to Ocean City. Within two weeks, we moved lock, stock, and barrel into the beach house.
Over the next couple of months, I found I liked living in Ocean City a lot more than Baltimore. For one thing, it was a beach town and there were always tons of hot, half-naked guys everywhere. I started a new habit of jogging on the beach, mostly for the eye candy.
For another, it was a very different pace than in the city, even though I’d read somewhere that Ocean City was the most densely populated city in the country during the summer. Things just seemed much slower and more laid back. It suited me.
I didn’t make any friends that summer, but I felt at home for the first time in years. I loved living with Dad, and we had a lot of great times with Steve. I still missed Kane, but, overall, I was happy.
Finally, September rolled around. I was very nervous about starting at a new school, but I’d decided that I was going to live my life honestly this time. No more sneaking around and hiding who I was. People had been fine with it at my old school, and I had no reason to think they’d be any different here.
The first day of school, I put on one of the new outfits Dad and I had bought in Rehoboth Beach. We’d gone on an epic shopping trip that resulted in what was basically a whole new wardrobe for me. This was good considering how little I used to care about my appearance.
I looked at myself in the mirror and barely recognized the person looking back at me. I looked so much more confident. Almost sexy, I thought with a grin. My hair looked the same as always, but Cole had finally convinced me it looked good.
“Stop primping and come on,” Dad said from the doorway, causing me to jump. “You don’t want to be late to school on your first day.”
I grinned at him and then followed him after one last look in the mirror.
“I’ve created a monster,” he grumbled as we started downstairs.
Despite my decision to be out at school, I almost lost my nerve as I sat in my first class and the teacher asked us to each tell the class five things about ourselves. All the other kids were saying dumb general things. Most of them had probably known each other since kindergarten. I was already the new kid. Did I really want to make myself even more of an outsider?
Suddenly, it was my turn. I stood up and took a deep breath. “My name is Seth Connelly,” I started out. “I just moved here from Baltimore. I was very active in the theater department there. I live with my Dad. I have a little brother who still lives with my mom. And I’m gay.” I sat down and tried hard not to blush.
The room was deathly quiet and every eye in the room was staring at me in disbelief, including the teacher. I wasn’t sure if they were just startled by my admission or if they had a problem with it. Either way, it was over and done with now. I’d made my decision.
The rest of the class passed uneventfully, but afterwards, everyone quickly left the room without even making eye contact with me. I sighed and went out into the hall. Maybe coming out on my first day hadn’t been such a good idea after all. Maybe I should have settled in and gotten to know some people first.
“Watch where you’re going, fag,” someone growled at me as I was rudely jostled.
I turned in time to see one of my classmates moving quickly away. He had brown hair and eyes and would have been kind of cute if it wasn’t for the sneer on his face. I struggled to remember his name as I made a mental note to watch out for him in the future.
Zach...that was it.
The rest of the day passed uneventfully — until my final class, the one I’d been looking forward to most: Theater, my home away from home. I got turned around trying to find it and ended up stopping by the office for directions. By the time I arrived, the class was already in session. I knocked politely on the door, and the teacher called me in. Mr. Tatum, I reminded myself.
“Yes?” Mr. Tatum asked.
“My name is Seth,” I announced. “Seth Connelly. I just transferred to this school. Sorry I’m late. Still learning my way around. Here’s my paperwork.”
I handed him the file the office had given me that morning and looked around the room. It was a pretty good-sized class.
After Mr. Tatum finished reviewing the paperwork, he looked up and studied me closely. It felt as though he was sizing me up, weighing something behind his eyes. I wondered if I measured up, but I must have since he simply sniffed and said, “It appears this is all in order. Why don’t you find a seat, Mr. Connelly, and we can continue with the class.”
I scanned the room again, and that time, one boy stood out. He was watching me with an unreadable expression. Though he looked small enough to be a freshman, I knew he had to be older, since there were no ninth graders in this class. His wavy blond hair fell just past his ears, and his striking blue eyes peered out from behind a pair of glasses. He was beautiful in a quiet sort of way, but something about his body language told me he was used to being overlooked.
Our eyes met, and for a brief moment, something passed between us — so sudden and intense it nearly stole my breath. Then he looked away, and the connection snapped like a thread pulled taut.
Whatever that was, I was sure he felt it too. I'd see it in his eyes, and I wasn't about to let it go.
I was in luck. The seat next to him was empty. I slid into it, and he glanced over at me nervously.
I extended my hand. He eyed it cautiously but, after a brief moment of hesitation, he tentatively placed his in mine.
A jolt of electricity shot through his hand into mine. He jerked away, eyes wide, and I knew he’d felt it too.
A grin spread across my face. “Hi. I’m Seth.”
“Killian,” he replied in a soft voice.
Even his name was sexy.
He blushed slightly and turned back to face Mr. Tatum.
A faint blush colored his cheeks as he turned back toward Mr. Tatum. I watched him a moment longer before finally shifting my attention to the front of the room. But the small smile tugging at my mouth wouldn’t go away.
Maybe things wouldn't be so bad after all.
And just maybe, Killian would be a big part of that.
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