All Lost Things

Book 3 of the Killian Kendall Mysteries

By Josh Aterovis
Copyright 2026

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Chapter 17

Micah stood there for a second staring into my face. I tried to read his thoughts, but his eyes revealed nothing. He stepped away, then slowly backed up until his legs hit one of the deck chairs, where he sat down with a thud.

Panic was rising in my throat.

"What's wrong?" I asked, but I was pretty sure I already knew the answer. I'd blown it. I'd pushed too hard, too fast, and now he thought all I wanted was sex.

"It's just—"

"Don't. You don't have to explain. That was stupid. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry. Maybe I'd better just leave."

"Killian, don't be sorry. It wasn't stupid. You don't know how much I want you to stay the night."

"Then...what's the problem?"

"I don't know. I mean, I do know. It's just..."

"Use your words. You're a writer, right?"

"Killian, you just seem so innocent. You almost act...as if everything is your first time."

I sighed and dropped into the other chair. "It is."

His eyes grew large. "What do you mean? I thought you had a boyfriend for a long time."

"I did. We dated for over a year and a half, but I've known him all my life. We grew up together, and he was my best friend. We never even went on a real date. We never went through the whole 'getting to know each other for the first time' process the way you and I have been doing tonight. It wasn't the same at all. This is so amazing. I mean, Asher and I, we never even..." I looked down at the floor, refusing to meet his eyes.

"Never even what?"

"We never had sex."

"You...you didn't...you mean...you're..."

"I'm a virgin. Technically, anyway."

"Two high school guys dating for years and you never did anything sexual? What? Were you, like, monks or something?"

"Well, I mean...we did some things." I blushed, but felt I'd gone this far so I had to keep going. "We did oral stuff. Hand stuff. Just no...butt stuff."

One eyebrow jumped up, but he simply asked, "Why not?

"I...don't know." I'd never really thought about it before. "I guess...I guess I just thought sex outside of a relationship was kind of...wrong somehow. Like dirty. Immoral."

"But weren't you dating Asher?"

"Yeah, but...I guess things never felt...real. I just never felt ready."

"Wow. And you wanted me to..."

I forced myself to meet his eyes. "Yes."

"So what's different now?"

"Me? You? I don't know. I have to lose my virginity some time. And I thought maybe you expected it."

"No! I mean, I never expect sex from anybody, especially not on a first date."

"Oh."

"To be blunt, I don't want to be just the guy who took your cherry."

"What do you mean?"

"This isn't a hookup to me. I want it to be more than that. I like you, Killian. A lot. I was drawn to you the first time we met, and I've liked you more and more ever since. After tonight...I think maybe I could fall for you very easily."

"I like you, too," I told him softly.

"Okay. Then you see what I mean?"

"No."

It was his turn to sigh. "I would be so honored to be your first, but if and when that happens, I don't want it to be on our first date while you're half drunk."

"I'm not—"

"What if you wake up tomorrow and you regret it? It would ruin any chance for something between us. As much as I want you — and, trust me, I do want you — I'm not willing to risk that."

I stared at him for a minute as what he said sank in. "You...want me?"

He laughed. "Who wouldn't want you? You're absolutely beautiful, brilliant, fun, sexy, sweet, funny...Shall I go on?"

"No," I answered weakly. "Maybe."

He stood, crossed over to me, knelt down, and cupped my face in both hands, forcing me to look him straight in the eyes. "Killian, you're amazing. I've never met anyone like you. I want to date you. I want to get to know you better. I want to spend time with you. And then, I want to sleep with you...but only if it feels right."

"But I thought..."

He grinned. "You thought all gay guys are giant horndogs who'll hump anything that offers?"

I snickered. "I didn't say that."

"But that's what you were thinking. Don't buy into the stereotypes, Killian. I mean, don't get me wrong, a lot of guys are just out for sex, and maybe I used to be one of them. But I've learned the hard way that sex is great — really great when it's good — but you can't build anything real on sex alone. Not that there's anything wrong with sex just for the sake of sex if that's what you're looking for. I'm just looking for something a little deeper these days."

"Adam always says you need a solid foundation to start with." I hesitated as I tried to decide whether to ask the question that was at the forefront of my mind. I figured I might as well. He had said we should get to know each other better. "What did you mean when you said you learned the hard way?"

"I'll tell you about it sometime."

"What's wrong with right now?"

He smiled. "Okay, but let's move to the couch. It's more comfortable than me kneeling on the balcony."

I laughed, and we moved inside to the couch. I leaned back against one end and Micah took the other, our bodies turned toward each other.

He drew a deep breath. "You're going to have to bear with me. I've never shared this with anyone outside my family and my counselor. If I'm going to tell you now, I need to go through the whole thing without being interrupted, okay?"

I nodded. "I understand. I've never talked about the stuff I was telling you earlier, either."

He gave me a small smile, which slowly faded as he gathered his thoughts. "I guess I started realizing I was different when I was about thirteen. All the other guys were going crazy about girls, and all I ever thought about was my best friend Justin. I knew I was gay, but I was scared to death to tell anybody. One day I was trying to get Justin to take his clothes off in our backyard. I was always trying to get him naked somehow. I don't even remember what excuse I was using that time. I didn't think we were where anyone could see or hear us, but Justin got mad at me. He said he was sick of me trying to get his clothes off and left in a huff. I can't really blame him.

"So I'm sitting there by myself, trying not to cry, when all of a sudden our neighbor Byron starts talking to me over the fence. He'd heard the whole thing. I panicked. I thought I was dead for sure, that he'd tell my parents and I'd be kicked out or disowned or something. I can't even remember what he was saying, I was so scared. But then he promised not to tell anyone if I came over to his house. I felt like I didn't have a choice.

"That was the beginning of...well, two years of torture. I was thirteen and lost my virginity to a forty-nine-year-old guy. He told me he loved me, but he didn't. Not really. He just wanted to own me. He tried to tell me who I could see and where I could go. I was scared to disobey him. He'd freak out if he saw me with someone I wasn't supposed to see. I pulled away from all my friends. I was either home alone or with him. He never hit me, but I always felt he was only seconds away from striking out. I was so scared, so trapped.

"Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I had some kind of breakdown. I was afraid to leave the house. I'd have panic attacks, start screaming and crying. My parents didn't know what the hell was happening. They took me to a shrink, and it all came out.

"My parents were furious — I've never seen them so angry before or since — but not with me. They filed all sorts of charges against Byron. I don't know what happened after that. They kept me out of it as much as possible. All I knew — and all I cared about — was that I never saw him again.

"For a while, they thought maybe I wasn't really gay, that Byron had just perverted me or something. Eventually, with the help of my counselor, they realized that I had been gay before Byron, and I was still gay after him. They accepted it really well at that point, and they've been supportive ever since."

"Oh my God," I managed when he stopped for a breath.

"I'm not quite finished. Obviously, I was pretty messed up after that. Counseling helped some, but I wasn't ready to listen to what they had to say. I felt sure no one would ever love me. I was damaged goods, and nothing my shrink said could make me believe differently.

"Sex was the only way I knew to relate to people intimately, so that's what I used. I slept with half the guys in my high school — gay, bi, and straight. I guess all I really wanted was for one of them to love me. I thought somehow I could make them love me through sex.

"College was more of the same. Eventually I learned via a lot of broken hearts and even more counseling that you can't make someone love you just because of sex. It doesn't work that way. It hasn't been easy to completely change my whole way of thinking, but I guess now you can see why I didn't want to sleep with you tonight. It would be too much like slipping back into my old habits, and I don't want that. I don't want to ruin my opportunity with you. I don't know where this is going, but I feel a connection with you. I want us to have a chance, and I want your first time to be totally special, unlike mine."

I struggled to find words to express all the emotions rushing through me. Part of me just wanted to cry, and part of me wanted to leap across the couch and comfort him.

"Micah, I'm so—"

"Killian, I don't need your sympathy or pity or whatever. I've done a lot of healing over the years. I'm not the kid I was then. There'll always be scars, but I'm good now. I'm happy. I didn't tell you all this to make you feel sorry for me. I wanted you to know the truth so you could understand where I'm coming from. It felt right to tell you."

I swung my feet off the couch and scooted towards him. He shifted so I could cuddle into his side. I took his hand, pulled it to my lips, and gently kissed it. "Thank you."

He looked down at his hand in mine and gave me a shaky smile, and all of a sudden I couldn't stand it anymore. I quickly leaned in and pressed my mouth against his. We kissed, hard and passionately, for several minutes. His hands slid up and down my back, making their way under my shirt. His hands felt like fire on my skin. I needed to be closer. I straddled him without breaking our kiss. I could feel his hardness under my butt and couldn't help throbbing against his stomach.

Suddenly, he broke away. "I need to get you home." His voice was husky.

I sighed but nodded, although at that moment I wanted to stay even more than before.

His eyes searched mine. "Can I see you again?"

I leaned in until my lips were brushing against his ear. "Try and stop me." I flicked my tongue lightly over his ear and he shuddered.

He gently pushed me away. "Don't you ever stop?" His voice was exasperated, but his smile indicated that he didn't mind too much.

I gave him my sexiest smile. "Do you really want me to?"

"Are you sure you're a virgin?" Without warning, he leapt up, picking me up with him and tossing me over his shoulder.

"You're stronger than you look," I gasped between giggles.

He laughed. "Nah, you're just light." He grabbed his car keys, swung open the door, and carried me out, still slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

"You can put me down now."

"I don't trust you."

"What will your neighbors think?"

"Who cares?"

"Micah!"

He laughed and carefully set me back on my feet. "Behave?"

"Yes, I'll behave. Jeez."

We walked to his car in silence. "Thank you for sharing," I said once we were on the way back to my house. "I know it wasn't easy for you. It means a lot to me."

"You've told me things that couldn't have been easy, either. Besides, I trust you, so it was easier than I thought it would be. It's like I knew you wouldn't judge me."

I looked at him in confusion. "Why would I judge you? What happened with your neighbor wasn't your fault. And what happened after that, well, it's the past. It helped make you who you are today, and since I happen to really like who you are today, I have no complaints. Besides, who am I to judge anybody?"

He smiled at me and took my hand. "You get more and more awesome all the time, you know that?"

I rolled my eyes. "I do not."

"You do. And don't argue with me."

I sighed and closed my eyes happily. He turned the radio on and tuned it to a pop station. Before I knew it, I'd drifted off with his hand resting comfortingly on my leg.

He gently shook me awake when we were in front of my house again. "You're home, beautiful boy."

I blinked awake and sat up. "I fell asleep."

He gave me a crooked smile. "Yeah, I noticed."

I returned the smile as I rubbed my eyes. "Walk me to the door?"

"Of course. Stay put."

He jumped out of his door and ran around to open my door with a flourish. I grinned and climbed out with the help of his proffered hand. We ambled up to the front porch, still holding hands. I turned into his body and slid my arms around his waist, and he wrapped his arms around me tightly.

I tipped my head up and closed my eyes. "Kiss me goodnight?"

He obliged with a sweet, tender kiss that just about made me melt.

Breaking away, he stepped back, his hand lingering on my cheek. "I'm really glad you called me," he said softly.

"Me, too. I think this might have been the best date I've ever been on."

He smiled. "According to you, it's the only date you've ever been on. But for the record, it might be the best date I've ever been on, too."

We stood grinning at each other like idiots for a minute before Micah started backing away again. "I guess I'd better go."

"I guess."

"Bye."

"Bye."

"We'll do this again soon." He took another step backwards.

"Promise?"

Micah smiled. "Promise."

"Okay. Bye."

"You just said that," he teased.

"Oh." He reached the steps, then quickly turned, and trotted to the car.

I stood on the porch watching until the tail lights disappeared from view before letting myself in, my mind in a giddy haze.

"Did you have a nice time?" Adam asked from the kitchen door, startling me. I let out a little yelp, and he chuckled. "Sorry."

"I thought you weren't going to wait up for me!" I was prepared to be indignant.

"I didn't, goofball. I worked late, then decided to have a drink before I went to bed. Care to join me?"

"For a drink?"

"How does warm milk sound?"

"Disgusting."

He laughed. "Then how about a real drink?"

I was surprised that he'd offer me alcohol, but it made me feel good at the same time. It was one more way of showing me he really did see me as an adult now. I thought about it for a minute, then decided I'd had enough to drink for one night and shook my head.

"No, thanks."

"Join me to talk anyway? Tell me about your night."

"Okay." I followed him into the kitchen and sat down at the table across from a small glass about half full of amber liquid.

Adam slid in behind the glass and wrapped his hands around it. "So?"

"It was incredible. I really like him."

"Well, seeing as how he got you home at a fairly decent hour, I think I like him, too."

"Oh! I forgot to text you..."

"It's okay. You're home now and, as I said, it's not too late. What did you guys do?"

"He took me to dinner, and then we went for a walk on the beach. We talked and got to know each other, then went dancing at the Inferno."

Adam's eyebrow shot up. "He took you to a gay bar?"

"Only to dance."

"How were you able to get in?"

"Micah knows the drag queen at the door."

"Carmen?"

"You know Carmen?"

"Everybody knows Carmen."

"What's her day job?"

"Nobody knows that."

"Micah does."

"Did he tell you?"

"No."

"I can't believe he took you to a bar."

"If it helps, he only bought me soda." Adam gave me a pointed look and I shrugged sheepishly. "I had fun."

He sighed. "Well, obviously everything turned out fine. No point getting upset about it now. You came home after that?"

"Well, he showed me his place first."

His eyebrows leaped up. "Oh, you went back to his house?"

"Apartment," I corrected. "And it's really nice."

"Uh-huh..."

"We didn't do anything, Adam."

Not for lack of trying on my part, I added silently.

"I didn't say you did."

"Micah's a perfect gentleman. He opens doors for me and everything."

"I'm glad to hear that. He sounds like a nice guy."

"He is."

"And he's certainly hot."

"Adam!"

"What? I'm not blind."

"On that note, I'm going to bed."

"Oh, Steve wanted me to tell you that the sale of the house is finalized tomorrow."

"Amalie's house?"

Adam rolled his eyes. "After tomorrow, it will be Steve's house. He's doing a final walkthrough with Victoria before the signing. I think Kane and I are going. You want to come, too?"

I didn't have anything else to do now that I'd stepped back from Caleb's case. "Sure. Why not?"

"Great. Now get to bed."

I laughed. "Okay, okay. See you in the morning. Don't wake me up too early."

"Crack of dawn."

"I bite."

"I'll be sure to warn Micah."

"Ha! Good night, Adam."

"Good night, Kill."

Despite his threats, Adam let me sleep in the next morning. Kane and I took turns getting ready in the bathroom before having a quick breakfast. After eating, we drove two cars to Chicone. Victoria was waiting for us when we arrived.

The walkthrough didn't take long. We'd already been over the house twice before, so we knew what we were looking for. We finished the inspection without a single strange occurrence, making me hopeful we'd seen the last of our ghostly visitor. After the walkthrough, Steve and Victoria headed back to her office, and the rest of us headed home.

That night, we had a celebratory dinner. Adam even let Kane and I have one glass of champagne each.

I don't know how long I'd been asleep before I was snapped out of a deep sleep into full wakefulness. I laid still, trying to figure out what had roused me. It was quiet as a tomb in the dark bedroom.

I turned my head to look at the clock, which said four a.m. Maybe I'd just had a bad dream.

Suddenly I felt a subtle shift on the mattress, as if someone or something was in bed with me. I sat up with a jolt and found myself face to face with Seth. I stifled a scream and glared at him.

"Wakey wakey," he sang softly.

I hissed between clenched teeth, "God, Seth! What the hell are you trying to do, scare me to death?"

"Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

His grin belied his words, but I decided to ignore it for the moment.

"I see more of you dead than I ever saw of you alive. Don't you think there's something wrong with that?"

"You're grumpy when you wake up, you know that?"

"I'm grumpy when I get woken up by a dead person at four o'clock in the morning for no apparent reason!"

"Okay, okay, calm down! You'll wake Kane."

"You'd just disappear like you always do. You know, people are going to start thinking I'm nuts if I keep talking to myself."

He shrugged. "It's better that way. Trust me."

I gave him a skeptical look. "If you say so. Not that it matters, anyway, I guess. I think I'm nuts, too."

"You're not crazy. We talked about this the last time I was here."

"Right. The dead guy no one else can see assured me I'm perfectly sane. Sorry, that's not exactly comforting. First you start showing up, then the dream about the murder..."

"The dream is why I'm here. I think you should talk to Judy."

"Yeah, you mentioned that last time. What for?"

"She might be able to help you navigate what's going on."

"What is going on? Why can't you explain? Why do you appear to me? Why can I see and talk to you? I don't understand."

He sighed. "I know you don't understand. I'm sorry. I can't explain why you can see me. You just can. You're special."

"I don't feel special. I feel like I'm losing my mind."

"You're not. Talk to Judy. She's been through this."

"She has?"

"Well, not exactly, but she'll know how to help."

"How do you know that?"

"I just do."

"Why are you here?"

"To talk to you."

"Why?"

"I...choose to."

"Why?"

"Isn't it obvious?" The look on his face was utter frustration. "Killian, I fell for you. Hard. I feel...I feel like I was cheated out of what we might have had. I'll never know what it would have been like to hold you in my arms and have you hold me in yours, to really kiss you and have you kiss me back. I'll never know what it feels like to be loved by the person I'm in love with. All those things that everybody looks forward to, they were taken from me. You...you can't know what that's like."

He stood up and started to pace.

"I've accepted it as best I can, and I want you to be happy. So, I'm here to help...guide you. I guess you could say. I've...been allowed to be a part of your life, but only to a certain extent — and even then, only as long as you allow it. If you want me gone, I'm gone. I'd like to be here for you, though, if you'll let me."

I scooched back until my back was against the headboard. "Guide me through what, exactly?"

"That's one of those things I can't tell you directly."

"What does that even mean? Are there rules for this? Who makes the rules?"

"More things I can't talk about."

I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. "Fuck. Then why are you here?"

He seemed to shrink in on himself. "I'm sorry. Maybe this was a mistake. I'll leave you alone."

"No, Seth, wait." I held out a hand. "I don't mean I want you to leave. It's just...you have to admit, having a dead guy as your confidant is...a little strange."

He gave me a slight smile. It was a far cry from his usual grin, but it was something. "Yeah, I guess it is."

We sat silently for several seconds.

"You know, I did care about you."

He looked away. "I know."

"And maybe, if we'd had more time, I would have fallen for you, too."

He shrugged. "I guess we'll never know."

More silence stretched between us. "So, uh, how does this work?"

"How does what work?"

"This." I gestured between the two of us. "How does our new relationship work? Do you come when I call you, or only when you feel like it?"

"I'm not a genie. You can't rub a lamp and make me appear. I can't grant wishes, either." He sounded annoyed.

"I didn't mean that. I meant....will you just show up at random times like you've been doing?"

"I'll be here when you need me."

"Um, okay. Well, you keep talking about what you can't tell me, but what can you tell me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. Can you, like, tell me stuff that hasn't happened yet?"

He frowned. "I can't see the future. I'm not a fortune teller."

"But you seem to know things, sometimes before they happen."

"It's hard to explain. Time doesn't mean much on this side. Sometimes, I have a vague sense of things that could happen, possibilities."

"How is that different from seeing the future?"

He shrugged. "It just is."

"That feels like semantics. And you're starting to sound like Judy. Maybe you should talk to her."

"She wouldn't be able to see or hear me."

"But I can."

"Like I said, you're—"

"Special. So you keep saying. Whatever that means. Okay, then what can you tell me about these 'possibilities?'"

"It depends." I sighed, and he continued. "I can tell you certain things, information that won't affect anything directly. I can push you a little in certain directions. But some stuff you have to figure out for yourself."

It was my turn to frown. "Who decides the difference?"

"That's one of those things I can't talk about, but mostly I have to use my best judgement."

"What happens if you break the rules?"

"Then I wouldn't be allowed to come back."

"Allowed. You've said that a few times. I don't understand what that means. Do all ghosts have to be 'allowed' to come back?"

"I'm not a ghost. Not really. I mean, you can think of me that way if you want, but I'm not really haunting you."

"But ghosts are real?"

He looked away and shrugged.

"Seth..."

"Sorry! I'm not being cryptic just to confuse you, I promise. It's just another one of those things."

I took a minute to process everything. "So, is this how Judy knows things? Does she have a personal dead guy who shows up randomly and tells her stuff?"

"No. Judy has other gifts. But besides that, she's also a very smart, very observant lady. Don't ever underestimate her. She's a powerful ally."

"Ally? Am I at war?"

"I just meant that she can help you. So, anyway, do you like this Micah guy?"

"Subtle change of subject, there, Casper. If you didn't want to talk about the spook stuff anymore, you could have just said so."

He laughed. "Fine. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Do you like him?"

"I guess so."

"You guess so? That's not the most definitive answer."

"Okay, yeah, I do like Micah."

"What about Asher?"

"What about him?"

"Do you still have any feelings for him?"

"I don't know." I thought about it for a few seconds. "I mean, I suppose I still have some feelings for Asher. He was my first love. It's been hard seeing him date someone else, especially someone I don't really like, but I have to move on eventually."

"Does that mean Micah is just your rebound guy?"

"No. At least, I don't think so. I want to give Micah and me a try. Asher and I had our chance, and it didn't work. Maybe we just weren't ready, or maybe we simply weren't meant to be, but either way it didn't happen. If Micah and I are meant to be together, then it'll work out."

"It doesn't always happen like that, you know. You both have to be willing to make it work. Timing is important, too."

I pulled the blankets over my head. "You know what? I don't really want to think about all that at..." I peeked at the clock then ducked underneath again, "...almost four-thirty in the morning. I like Micah, and for now, that's all I need to know."

"You're right. I should go. You need to sleep."

"Now you're worried about my sleep? You weren't worried about that when you woke me up."

He laughed. "There you go getting snotty again."

"Excuse me if I'm not at my best in the middle of the night. Can't you pop in for a visit during the day?"

"I could, but it's harder to catch you alone. Okay, I'm leaving. Goodnight, sleep tight. I'll be back."

"Why doesn't that comfort me?"

There was no answer. I peeked out again but he had disappeared.

As I snuggled back under my blankets, it occurred to me that the hardest thing to get used to in this arrangement would be his sudden comings and goings.

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