Eden Revisited: Adam's Story
A Killian Kendall Expanded Universe Short Story
By Josh Aterovis
Copyright 2026
Blurb:
Adam Connelly married young, determined to be the man everyone expected—husband, father, straight—while quietly denying his true self. After a painful divorce and estrangement from his children, he’s left to confront a life built on repression and regret. When a sharp-witted gay elder named Charlie offers him a place to heal, Adam begins to rediscover who he really is. As their bond deepens and Charlie’s health fades, Adam must decide whether to retreat into grief or step into the life waiting for him. Eden Revisited is a story of chosen family, queer resilience, and the long journey home to oneself.
This story is narrated by Adam and takes place before Bleeding Hearts and roughly concurrently with Bright Things Come to Confusion.
Author Bio:
Josh Aterovis is the award-winning author of multiple LGBTQ+ novels blending mystery, romance, suspense, and the supernatural, including seven novels and multiple short stories in the acclaimed Killian Kendall Mysteries series. His work explores themes of identity, chosen family, grief, healing, and queer resilience, often centering flawed but deeply human characters navigating extraordinary circumstances. Known for emotionally grounded storytelling and vivid atmosphere, Josh’s books have earned a devoted readership among fans of queer fiction and genre-bending narratives.
In addition to his work as a novelist, Josh is an immersive theater creator and producer with Submersive Productions in Baltimore, Maryland, where he develops original, site-specific experiences that blur the line between audience and performer. His storytelling across both page and stage is driven by a passion for creating meaningful, transformative experiences that invite audiences to connect, reflect, and imagine new possibilities.
Chapter 1
“Hey, Hillbilly, how’s it going?”
“I wish he wouldn’t call me that,” I seethed quietly while waving as if the nickname didn’t bother me.
“They don’t mean anything by it,” Jason said.
“I know, but I hate it. It’s demeaning.”
“Have you told him that?”
“Well, no...”
“Then you can’t really complain.”
I hated it when Jason was right. Which was always.
We were only one month into my freshman year of college, and I already knew I’d won the roommate lottery with Jason. He was everything I wanted to be — handsome, smart, confident, suave, and sophisticated.
At least that’s how he seemed to me. I was smart, but that was about all I had going for me. We were roughly the same height, but while I was a pale, skinny, redhead, he was a tan and blond and muscular from all the hours he spent at the gym.
Our looks weren’t all that differentiated us. Jason had grown up in a big city, while I grew up in a very small town in Western Maryland, nestled in the foothills of the mountains, where everybody knew each other, almost everybody was poor, and folks watched out for each other.
We attended a small Baptist college in rural Virginia. It wouldn’t have been my first choice, but since my grandfather was paying for it, I didn’t put up much of a fight. My grandfather was the pastor of the small Baptist church I’d gone to my entire life, where the members maybe looked down ever so slightly on those who attended the Methodist church a quarter of a mile down the street. My father was a deacon, and my mother taught Sunday school, and we never skipped church.
I’m not sure how Jason ended up at a Christian school. He never explained and I somehow never asked. He was agnostic, bordering on atheist, and openly challenged our professors. He certainly opened my eyes to other viewpoints, and, despite our differences, we became close friends.
In fact, for that first month, he was my only friend. Being sheltered and from a very small town, my social skills were lacking. It didn’t help that I hated the nickname I’d been bestowed in my first week there, so I also avoided the other students out of embarrassment.
Jason eventually got tired of me hiding in our room and started dragging me along when he went out to spend time with his friends. Before long, they became my friends by default, though, for the most part, I was simply there, following Jason around like a puppy but otherwise quiet.
About two months into the semester, we were hanging out around a picnic table in the woods that bordered our dorm, one of our regular spots, when Heather, one of the girls in our group, singled me out.
“So, Adam,” she started, causing my head to swivel in her direction. I wasn’t used to being addressed directly since I generally flew under the radar. “Are you seeing anybody?”
“Huh?” was my witty reply.
“Are you seeing anybody? Like...dating.”
“Oh, um, no.”
“Why not?”
“I dunno.”
“Do you like anybody?”
I felt my face heating up and quickly stared down at my beat-up tennis shoes. “Not really,” I said with a shrug, hoping she’d drop it.
“Maybe if you weren’t always hanging out with Jason, you’d meet somebody,” she said, trying to sound casual but there was a slight edge to her voice that I noticed.
Heather had a huge crush on Jason, and everyone knew it. Not that she made any effort to hide it. The fact that he clearly didn’t return her interest drove her crazy, although she tried to act like it didn’t.
“Have you ever had a girlfriend?” she pressed.
“Leave him alone,” Jason said, coming to my defense.
I shot him a grateful smile, but Heather just rolled her eyes.
“Chill out, Jason. I’m just asking. But I bet he hasn’t, have you, Adam?”
Everyone was looking at me now, so I replied with a sigh. “No.”
“See? I knew it. I don’t know why, you’re kind of cute in a Jonathan Brandis sort of way.”
“You think he looks like Jonathan Brandis?” a girl named Amy asked incredulously.
“I mean, maybe, if Jonathan was a ginger,” Heather said with a giggle.
I was resisting the urge to crawl under the table. I hated being the center of attention, especially this kind of attention.
“What does it matter to you?” Jason asked. “Are you trying to date him?”
“No, I have my eye on somebody else. I’m just saying. Oh, hey, maybe we should find Adam a girlfriend!”
“No!” I said emphatically, but Heather steamrolled on.
“Oh, I know somebody who would be perfect for you, Adam. Her name is Jessica. She’s in my 'Survey of the Bible' class and she’s so sweet and cute.”
I looked to Jason for help, but he just smiled.
“Might be good for you,” he said.
“Et tu, Brute?” I muttered, but I could recognize a losing battle when I saw one.
Before the end of the week, I submitted to my first and only date with Jessica, who was not at all as advertised, being neither sweet nor cute. She was homely and seemed about as excited to go on our date as I was.
The next couple of weeks were a series of blind dates, all of which turned out disastrous, which almost anybody with half a brain could have predicted. The next, whose name I promptly forgot as soon as the date was over, was visibly disappointed when she realized I was the person she was meeting. The third was nice enough, but we had nothing in common. The fourth didn’t stop talking from the moment she walked in until I made my escape. I’m not sure I said a grand total of ten words the entire time.
Back in our room, I complained bitterly to Jason after each train wreck of a date. He was quietly supportive, but also obviously amused by my predicament.
“Maybe you should just date Heather,” I said after the fourth date, feeling dangerously close to the end of my rope.
“Why would I do that?” he asked, genuinely surprised.
“Maybe it would distract her from trying to play matchmaker,” I replied. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
“Just tell her no.”
“Have you ever tried to tell Heather no?”
“All the time. Do you know how often she asks me out?”
“Yeah, well, she’s made it her life’s mission to find me a girlfriend. Why me? I’m not even the only single guy in our friend circle. Heck, you’re single!”
“Much to her chagrin. That’s the whole point, though, right? She thinks we’re too close, and that if you spend more time with a girlfriend, maybe she’ll get me to date her.”
“That’s crazy.”
“I know that, and you know that, but does Heather?”
“Well, I stand by my suggestion.”
“Friends don’t let friends date Heather Bradley.”
“But apparently friends let Heather Bradley set up their friends on a never-ending series of terrible blind dates.”
He laughed.
The very next day, Heather waylaid me on my way to class. “Adam!”
I turned to see her barreling at me across the courtyard, and it was all I could do to keep from groaning out loud.
“How’d it go with Michelle?”
“Who?” I asked before I remembered that she was date number four. “Oh, lousy. Just like the first three.”
“Oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway.”
“It doesn’t?” I asked hopefully.
“No, because it suddenly hit me out of the blue this morning. I know the girl you’re destined to be with.”
“Oh come on, Heather,” I begged. “I’ve gone along with your dumb plan, but I’m done. Four was enough.”
“Just one more, Adam,” she wheedled. “I know you two will hit it off. It’s meant to be.”
“What is that supposed to even mean?”
“Just trust me.”
“And why would I do that?”
“Because, I only have your best interest at heart.”
More like her own best interest, but I knew it was pointless to argue.
“Fine. When and where?”
She grinned. “Friday at six at the Grill. Promise you’ll be there?”
I sighed in defeat. “I promise.”
“Cool beans,” she said, backing away. “You won’t regret it!” She spun and ran off for her class.
“Bet I will,” I grumbled.
The Grill was the campus soda shop. They served burgers, hot dogs and pizza and that was about it, but if you wanted anything more, you had to leave campus and drive half an hour to the nearest town.
I showed up there five minutes early that Friday, eager to get the next disastrous date out of the way. I didn’t even know who I was meeting or what she looked like. I hoped Heather had given my mystery date more information than she had me. Or maybe I hoped she hadn’t, and I could just leave after a few minutes.
I waited until six on the dot and was about to leave when a very short girl approached me.
“Are you Heather’s friend?” she asked.
I bit back a sigh and turned to face her. She was tiny, couldn’t have been an inch taller than five feet, and slim, with almost no breasts, narrow hips and short red hair. She was wearing a pair of boys’ jeans, an oversized sweatshirt and zero makeup.
To say I was surprised would be an understatement. She was nothing like the overly made-up girls Heather had set me up before.
“Uh, yeah,” I replied. “I’m Adam.”
“Oh for Pete’s sake,” she said as she rolled her eyes.
“Sorry?”
“Oh, it’s not you. It’s just that my name is Eve. Now I get why Heather wouldn’t shut up about how you and I were meant to be.”
I burst into laughter. I couldn’t help it. After a moment, she joined in.
The rest of the date went surprisingly well. It turned out we had some things in common, like we were both from small towns. She was easy to talk to and, by the end of the night, I thought I’d found a new friend, if nothing else.
Eve saw things a little differently. After several more dates, it became clear that she wanted to be more than friends. It was equally clear that she was growing impatient waiting for me to make the first move.
I, on the other hand, was paralyzed with fear, doubt and confusion. Eve was a great girl, the first one I’d enjoyed spending time with since I’d arrived at college. So why didn’t I feel anything for her beyond friendship?
After our fifth date ended with her stomping off in a huff when I froze up after she tipped her head back at the end of the evening, clearly inviting a kiss, I decided to talk to Jason.
He was in our room when I returned, working on a paper at his desk.
“Hey, can I talk to you?” I asked.
He turned and took one look at me and knew something was wrong. “Sure. Did something happen on your date tonight?”
I sighed and dropped onto my bed. “More like what didn’t happen.” I quickly filled him in on the feeling of increasing expectations from Eve and her reaction when I failed to kiss her.
When I finished, Jason gave me a measured look.
“What?” I asked.
“Just... Are you sure you’re into Eve?”
“What do you mean?”
“Heather was a little pushy about the whole let’s-find-Adam-a-girlfriend thing, and you didn’t seem that enthusiastic. But you’ve gone out with Eve a few times now, and most guys would have at least gone in for a kiss by now. I know we’re at a Christian college and all that, but it’s not like kissing is prohibited.”
“I know, I just...I don’t feel ready.”
“Ready? What do you need to be ready for? She’s not asking for you to knock her up.”
“Jason!”
“I’m serious. If you like her, just kiss her. If you don’t like her, then stop leading her on. Shit or get off the pot.”
I wrinkled my nose in disgust at his crass idiom, but he just rolled his eyes.
“Adam, do you even like girls?”
My jaw fell open in shock.
It was the early ‘90s. You just didn’t make accusations like that, especially not at a Baptist school that would expel homosexuals if discovered. But even aside from that, things were just very different then. Now, there are gay people everywhere – on TV, in movies, in magazines. You're surrounded by it. Even in the most backwoods hillbilly town, you can watch RuPaul’s Drag Race or Heartstopper. Growing up in our little town, I didn't know one single person who was gay. I'd heard of it, of course, but only as an object of derision, something awful to be avoided at all costs.
I felt my face heating up. “How could you say something like that?” I finally managed.
“Look, no offense. And no judgement. I couldn’t care less. You just don’t seem that into Eve. Or any other girl so far.”
“I like Eve!”
“Then kiss her already.”
“I’ve never kissed anybody, okay?” I admitted. It was true. I’d never dated anyone in high school, a decision wholeheartedly supported by my conservative parents.
Jason’s eyebrows jumped up in surprise, although, to his credit, he didn’t tease me. He simply asked, “Really?”
‘Yeah. I don’t even know what to do. I’m embarrassed.” I was, although, if I was honest with myself, that wasn’t the entire reason for my reticence.
Jason shook his head. “It’s not rocket science. You just mash your lips together and go at it.”
“But what if I do something wrong? Or what if I’m a bad kisser?”
He stood up with a sigh and crossed the room to where I was pacing. He grabbed my shoulders to stop me. “Dude, you’re thinking too hard.”
“What does that even — ”
He cut me off mid sentence by suddenly pulling me forward and pressing his lips against mine.
I didn’t react. I couldn't. I was frozen, my arms hanging limply at my sides. It was as if my brain simply short circuited.
The kiss was brief. He stepped back and raised an eyebrow as if to say, “There.”
I stared at him in disbelief for several seconds before my brain kicked in and I started sputtering. “Why did you do that?” I demanded. I was surprised that I sounded a lot calmer than I felt.
“Now you’ve had your first kiss.”
“I’m not gay!”
He rolled his eyes. “I didn’t say you were, and, for the record, neither am I, which is why it isn’t a big deal. Chill.”
“But you kissed me.”
“It was just a kiss. It’s not like we’re sleeping together. Anyway, I’m going to go grab a shower before I hit the hay.”
He grabbed his towel and sauntered out of the room as if he hadn’t just changed my entire life. Of course, maybe he didn’t know he had. While I’d managed to remain calm externally, internally my mind was exploding. My heart was hammering so hard in my chest, I feared I was going to have a heart attack.
I stood in the center of the room for several minutes, my mind replaying the kiss over and over, examining it from every angle, dissecting my reaction. I finally snapped out of it, but only because it occurred to me that, based on past experience, Jason would eventually be returning to the room dripping wet with just a towel wrapped around his waist soon, and I didn’t want to be there when he did.
I grabbed my keys and bolted from our room. I walked around the campus, hands shoved in my pockets and my head down, for over an hour. My mind never stopped racing.
The problem was that I liked the kiss. A lot. Specifically, I’d liked kissing Jason. I had no interest in kissing Eve, but now all I could think about was kissing Jason again. Did that mean that Jason was right to question whether I even liked girls? But that was crazy. I couldn’t be gay. I was just confused. After all, I’d never kissed anyone, male or female, so it only made sense that I’d react to my first kiss, no matter who it was from.
That was what I finally convinced myself of, anyway. I just needed to kiss Eve and all would be well.
So that’s exactly what I did. At the end of our next date, I laid a big, passionate kiss on Eve.
And I felt nothing.
That scared me, but I just pushed all those terrifying implications deep down and ignored them as hard as I possibly could. I would make things work with Eve because, in my mind, I had no other choice. I had to be straight. I had to marry a woman. That was the only option. I just simply refused to acknowledge anything that didn’t conform to that worldview.
That strategy actually worked...for a while. I continued dating Eve, and our relationship grew more serious. We became official before winter break and came back in the new year stronger than ever. Everyone in my friend group — or Jason’s friend group, I suppose — was super supportive, and no one was more thrilled than Heather, who constantly bragged about being a consummate matchmaker. Never mind that her first four matches were disastrous. I occasionally caught Jason staring at me speculatively, but he never pressed the issue, and, outwardly, he seemed happy for us.
Everything seemed to be going great. This was the life I’d envisioned for myself.
Then I met Eric.
Jason introduced him to the gang one night while we were hanging out around the picnic table. Eve was taking a night class with an early morning one the next day, so she wasn’t with us, for a change. Jason and Eric were in the same world religions class. Eric was around my height, with dark brown hair parted down the middle with bangs that brushed his cheekbones. His eyes were dark, but always seemed to be sparkling with some private joke, his lips full and red, and his skin darkly tanned. He looked like he’d stepped off a TV show on ABC’s TGIF block.
After Eric’s initial introduction, Jason pulled me aside. “Hey, I think you and Eric have a lot in common and he’s really had a hard time making friends here at school. You guys should hang out.”
I gave him a confused look. “A lot in common? Like what?”
“Well, you’re both from really small towns.”
I laughed. “Almost everyone here is from a small town. You’re like the only person I’ve met who isn’t.”
“Just trust me. I think you’ll hit it off.”
I shrugged it off, but I had to admit I was intrigued by the handsome new guy. I mean, his looks had nothing to do with my fascination. He was somebody new in our circle, that was all.
It turned out that I didn’t have to seek Eric out. As soon as we returned to the group, he stuck to me like glue, asking about where I grew up, my major, my interests. If there weren’t other people around, it would have felt suspiciously like a date.
I glanced over at Jason a few times, but he was holding court, talking loudly a ways away from where Eric and I sat. A small part of my brain noted that it was almost performative, as if he was deliberately distracting everyone so Eric and I could talk, but that was silly. Right?
As it got later and people started to peel off to return to their rooms for the night, Eric suggested we hang out again sometime, and I quickly agreed. I’d enjoyed talking to him, and he seemed like a really nice guy, so why not?
When I said good night and headed inside, Jason fell into step with me.
“So what did you think of Eric?” he asked.
I shot him a look, but just said, “He seems cool.”
“Yeah, he really is. I knew you’d like him.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. I just knew you’d get along.”
I shook my head, but there was no denying that he was right. The two of us had talked all night, practically ignoring everyone else.
I was just making a new friend. Nothing wrong with that.
Eric and I started hanging out more often. Soon, I saw him more than I saw my own girlfriend. Luckily, Eve was very serious about her studies, so she didn’t seem to mind. If anything, she almost seemed relieved that I had someone else to hang out with.
Jason was also happy I had a new friend. He seemed as pleased with his matchmaking as Heather had been, if perhaps a lot less obnoxious about his gloating. To be fair, he was definitely better at it than Heather, so he’d earned his bragging rights.
In fact, Eric and I got along so well, we’d arranged to be roommates the following school year. Jason was, once again, fully supportive, no hard feelings.
We reached the end of freshman year and parted ways for the summer.
None of us lived especially close to each other, so I didn’t see Eve, Jason or Eric during our break, though I spoke to all of them on the phone with varying frequency. I talked to Eric the most, almost every night, usually after I talked to Eve, though she and I only talked a few times a week. I missed all my friends, but Eric most of all. We’d sometimes talk until one or both of us fell asleep, phone still in hand.
I couldn’t wait to return to campus in the fall.
Our sophomore year started strong. Eric and I moved into our new dorm room together, I continued dating Eve, and the old gang still met up regularly at the picnic table — minus one of the regulars. Heather didn’t return for our second year. Nobody seemed to know why, though there was a rumor that she’d gotten pregnant over the summer. Everyone was scandalized by that particularly juicy piece of gossip, but nobody really questioned it. It was simply accepted as fact, even though I have no idea who even first brought it up. For I knew, she’d been hit by a Mack truck and was dead.
The first few weeks of living with Eric were great. It was like all those phone calls over the summer we spent talking late into the night, but in person, each of us laying on our beds in the dark, but with the added bonus of seeing him in just a towel or in his underwear daily.
It turned out that Eric was not a shy person. He had no problem changing in front of me, or even laying on his bed in just his tighty whities. I tried my best not to stare, but it wasn’t easy.
All guys compare, I told myself whenever my eyes betrayed me. He’s just really in shape. That’s all.
Eventually, our late-night chats turned to more intimate subjects. We were both virgins. He was surprised that Eve and I had been dating for almost a year and we still hadn’t done more than kiss. I was shocked he hadn’t gotten lucky considering how hot he was.
It wasn’t long after that particular conversation that I noticed Eric becoming a lot more touchy-feely — a hand on my lower back here, an arm around my shoulder there. At first, I would stiffen up each time. My family had never been particularly affectionate, nor was Eve, so physical touch made me nervous. Apparently, however, I was more starved for that sort of attention than I could have even guessed, because I was lapping it up in no time, leaning into his body and even hugging him back.
When he suggested he lay on my bed with me for one of our nightly talks, I agreed with very little hesitation, and then, that was the new norm. He still returned to his bed when we got tired, but I had to admit I liked having him next to me, our bare legs brushing against the other, arms pressed together.
Then, one night, we fell asleep. Or I fell asleep, only to wake up in the middle of night with Eric spooned against my back, his arm tight around me.
I thought my heart would beat out of my chest. Did he even know he was cuddling me? Would it be awkward when he woke up? Why was my dick so hard?
I have no idea how, maybe it was just the fact that it felt really nice to be held, but somehow, I fell back asleep. When I woke again in the morning, Eric was gone, his bed untouched.
Had he woken up and freaked out? Would he want to change rooms now? Had our friendship changed?
The thought of losing him made me want to vomit. He was the best friend I’d ever had.
I was seconds away from a full-blown panic attack when the door swung open and Eric entered, a towel wrapped around his waist and water droplets beaded on his tan skin. He flashed me a grin and went about his morning as if nothing had happened. I slowly relaxed, realizing I had overreacted.
After that, it wasn’t uncommon for him to sleep in my bed with me. It didn’t happen every night, but often enough that I knew it was deliberate. Neither of us commented on it.
About a month after that first night, though, things changed.
We were laying in my bed, side by side, staring up at the ceiling while we talked, when Eric suddenly rolled toward me and threw his arm across my chest. It was the first time he’d done that while we were both awake.
I stopped mid sentence.
“Is this okay?” he asked, his voice quiet but confident. “I’m just getting comfortable.”
“Um, yeah,” I managed, slightly breathlessly.
“Good. What about this?” he scooched his body closer until he was pressed against my side.
I gasped softly, but managed, “I...guess.”
“You guess? I can give you more space if you want...” He started to pull away.
“No!” I said a little more forcefully than I intended. “It’s fine.” I added more calmly.
A little smile played around his lips. “Just fine?”
“I mean... I guess it’s kind of nice.”
He pushed himself up on one elbow, his arm pulling me tight against himself. “I think it’s nice, too.” He stared down at me, his face serious now. His eyes seemed to be searching mine. There was a sort of hunger in his, a hunger I recognized in myself.
Then, without warning, he leaned in and kissed me.
I’d been half anticipating his move, so I didn’t fight it, just allowed it to happen. No, I did more than that. I welcomed it. I kissed him back. I wanted it as much as he did.
If I’d thought the kiss with Jason was great, nothing prepared me for Eric. It was like fireworks were exploding in my head. When he finally pulled away, I was left breathless with my heart pounding in my chest and the hardest erection I’d ever had in my life.
He stared down at me again, his eyes heavy-lidded, his lips wet and glistening in the dim light that filtered through our window. I wondered what he saw in my wide-eyed, deer-in-headlights stare that I surely returned. Whatever it was, he must have liked it, because he swung a leg over my body and dipped his head for a second round, which quickly turned into a hot and heavy make-out session.
I could tell he liked it as much as I did, since I could feel his hardness pressing into my hip, grinding slightly against my skin. His knee pressed on my erection and, before I even knew what was happening, I came. Hard.
I threw my head back against my pillow and gasped through my first orgasm with another person while Eric buried his face in my neck, grinding more aggressively against my leg. Within seconds, he was shuddering through an orgasm of his own.
I enjoyed a few brief moments of bliss before the full import of what had just occurred hit me, and my entire body stiffened.
Eric noticed the shift immediately and raised his head.
“Are you okay?” he asked gently.
“We shouldn’t have done that,” I said, my voice tight with building panic.
“Shh, no, it’s okay,” he said quickly, but I was having none of it.
“No, it’s not okay,” I said, sitting up abruptly. “I have a girlfriend. I’m straight.”
He sat up more slowly, almost warily. “Straight?”
“Yes. I love Eve.”
His face clouded over. “Do you?”
“Yes, of course. Why would you even ask that?”
“Because I’m pretty sure you were kissing me back just now before you shot a load in your underwear.”
I felt bile rising in the back of my throat and had to gulp several times before I could speak without the fear of vomiting. “I’m confused. You’re confusing me.”
I laid a hand on my chest, but I recoiled. I needed to get away from him. He was too close. But I was against the wall. I squirmed my way to the foot of the bed and stood up and started pacing.
He sighed. “You’re definitely confused, Adam, but I don’t think I’m the one confusing you.”
I stopped. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you wanted that as much as I did. I could see it in your face.”
“So you admit you wanted it?”
“Of course I admit it. I’m not the one so far in the closet that you can’t even find the door.”
“Wait. You’re...gay?”
He gave me a confused look. “Duh. Why do you think I’ve been sleeping in your bed and cuddling most nights?”
I rubbed my face and started pacing again. “I don’t know. I just thought we were friends. Good friends.”
“We are. But I like you more than a friend. And I thought you felt the same way. You never said anything or asked me to stop. I thought you liked it.”
“I...” I was about to say I did, but that felt like a step too far. “I didn’t know what to say.”
“So you didn’t like it?”
I opened my mouth to agree but couldn’t bring myself to say the words. I did like it. In fact, I liked it a lot. Instead, what came out was, “We’re Christians. We go to a Christian college. We can’t like it.”
Eric’s eyes widened and he appeared to be fighting back laughter. “I’m only here because my parents insisted and they’re paying for everything.”
“Do they know you’re gay?”
“Of course not.”
“What if they find out?”
“Then they’d stop paying for me and I could drop out. I never wanted to go to this school anyway. The only good thing to come out of it has been meeting you.”
My breath caught in my throat for a moment, but I just shook my head. “Eric...I can’t.”
“Can’t what?”
“Do this. Be whatever it is you want me to be.”
“All I want is for you to be who you really are.”
“No, you want me to be somebody I’m not.”
“Look at me and tell me you didn’t feel something when we were kissing.”
I couldn’t.
“Look,” he said after a few moments of heavy silence. “I’m not asking you to come out. Hell, I don’t want to come out either. Not here. Maybe after I graduate. I’m just asking you to give us a chance.”
“There is no us,” I said harshly. I immediately regretted my words. I could see the pain in his eyes even in the dark room. “I’m dating Eve,” I added, hoping to soften the blow. “I’m going to marry her someday.”
I don’t know where that last statement came from. I had some vague idea that we’d eventually get married after college, but I certainly hadn’t proposed, or even given it serious thought.
If I thought that would somehow make him feel better, I was wrong. He looked even more sad.
“I think that would be a mistake,” he said quietly.
“No,” I said emphatically. “This was a mistake.”
His face drained of color. “Adam...”
“I need some space,” I said, and started pulling on clothes, ignoring my damp, sticky underwear.
“Adam,” he tried again, but I just grabbed my keys and fled the room.
I walked around by myself for hours, mentally flagellating myself for being so stupid, ignoring the signs, letting things go too far. Of course Eric was gay. And of course he took advantage of naivete. Isn’t that what gay men did? That’s what my grandfather always said. Which is how I knew Eric was wrong. I wasn’t gay. I couldn’t be.
But what was I supposed to do now? We were roommates. How could I face him again after what happened, knowing what I now knew?
When I returned to my room in the wee hours of the morning, I found it empty. I didn’t know where Eric had gone, and, for the moment at least, I didn’t care. I was just happy to not have to deal with him. I collapsed into my bed, tried very hard not to think about what happened there just a few short hours before, and fell into a fitful sleep.
The next few days were torture. Eric eventually returned to our room, but we weren’t speaking to each other. He seemed angry, though what he had to be angry about I couldn’t fathom. I was the one he’d pushed into a compromising position.
Since I wasn’t hanging out with Eric, I suddenly had a lot more free time on my hands, much to Eve’s annoyance.
“Where’s Eric?” she asked after a few days of me shadowing her every free moment.
“I don’t know,” I replied sulkily.
“Well, whatever little tiff you two are having, get over it and work it out, because I have too much work to do to have you underfoot all the time.”
“It’s not like that,” I protested, but she was having none of it.
Next, I tried hanging out with Jason, but it quickly became apparent that he knew at least some of what had happened between Eric and me, since he immediately began to try to get us to talk.
“You guys were getting along so well,” he said. “I hate to see you throw away such a close friendship over a misunderstanding.”
We were alone in Jason’s new dorm room while his roommate was in class. Jason was sitting on the edge of his bed, and I was in his wheeled desk chair.
“The only misunderstanding was that he thought I was something I’m not,” I snapped back.
Jason shook his head sadly. “Adam, you’ll never be truly happy until you can accept yourself for who you really are.”
I stood up so quickly, the chair flew back and crashed into his desk.
“You knew, didn’t you?” I accused.
“Knew what?” he asked, looking genuinely confused.
“You knew that Eric was a homo and that’s why you introduced him to me. You still think I’m a queer too.”
Jason’s face fell even more. “Can you not say things like that? It’s not cool. I just thought you guys might get along. And I was right. You were inseparable for months.”
I rubbed my face. “How did I manage to fall into the one group of sinners at this school?” I groaned.
He rolled his eyes. “First off, even if I did believe in all this, which you’ve known for a long time that I do not, I would have to remind you that according to your own beliefs, we’re all sinners. More importantly, though, it’s good to be exposed to different types of people and beliefs outside your own. It makes you a better, more well-rounded person.”
“The Bible says, ‘Bad company ruins good morals,’” I replied.
Jason gestured toward the door. “Hey, if I’m such bad company, there’s the exit. You’re the one who came looking for me.”
I stared at him for a few seconds, then let myself out without another word.
He was right. I had sought him out. And I’d been drawn to Eric. I had no one to blame but myself.
For the next few weeks, I withdrew into myself. Eve barely noticed, she was so caught up in her studies, and I wasn’t speaking with the only other two people I considered friends on campus. It was a lonely few weeks, and I spent it in a constant state of turmoil. Midterms happened, and I suppose I did well enough to pass, but it was all a blur. I was so relieved when winter break arrived, and I could go home for a few weeks and get away from it all.
Those weeks away from school actually helped clear my head. And by “clear my head,” I mean I started to realize how much I missed Eric. He was all I could think about, including that kiss. I started to think about what he and Jason had said. I didn’t reach out to anyone though. I waited until we were back on campus to try and talk to him.
“I’ve applied for a room transfer,” he stiffly informed me as soon as I walked through the door of our room.
“What? Why?”
He looked at me like I was crazy. “Because I don’t intend to spend the rest of the school year sharing a room with someone who can’t accept who they are or admit what they want and who wasn’t even speaking to me when I left for winter break.”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
His eyebrows shot up. “You’re what?”
“I’m sorry. For how I reacted. For how I acted. For treating you like that. It was...a lot. It still is.” I dropped my bag and sat on my bed.
He was watching me warily. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I’m sorry, and...maybe you’re right.”
“Right about what?”
“I do...” I stopped and took a deep breath. “I do have feelings for you.” He looked like I’d punched him in the gut, so I quickly rushed on. “I don’t know what that means yet. I’m still figuring it out. And I have feelings for Eve too. Maybe I’m bisexual or something. I don’t know. But I do know I don’t want to lose you as a friend. You mean too much to me.”
“Where is all this coming from?”
“I did a lot of thinking over winter break.”
“I mean... duh. But so did I, and I came to some different conclusions.”
“Like moving out?”
“Yes.”
“Can we talk about it?”
“After the way you treated me the last few weeks before break?”
“Eric, I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am for that. I was confused and scared, but you didn’t deserve to be treated like that.”
“You’re damn right, I didn’t. And I don’t intend to let you treat me like that again.”
“I’m asking for another chance. You’re all I thought about while I was away. What can I do to prove to you that I’m serious?”
“It’s not that I don’t believe you, Adam. It’s just that I don’t know if I can just forget about what happened. What if I give you another chance and you get overcome with guilt again? Where does that leave me?”
“What do you want from me?”
“Space.”
“Okay, I can give you space. Just...don’t move out. Not yet anyway.”
He sighed and sat on the edge of his bed. “It’s not like there’s a room available right now anyway.”
I gingerly sat on the edge of my bed, facing him, our knees only a couple of feet apart.
“If I give you another chance, what does that even mean?” he asked after a few moments of awkward silence.
I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
He threw his hands up, and I rushed on.
“I just mean I don’t know how all of this works. I don’t even know what you want. Do you, like, want to tell people about us?”
He snorted. “Here? God no. Can you imagine? I’m not trying to get expelled.”
“So...like...things would kind of be like they were before? Like, when we’re alone, we...you know, but when we’re with friends or outside the room, we’re just friends?”
He thought for a minute. “Maybe. But when we’re alone, you’re all mine.”
I nodded enthusiastically.
“Will you continue dating Eve?”
I nodded again, with less enthusiasm.
He wrinkled his nose. “I guess that’s for the best. We’d be less suspicious that way.”
“So...are you saying we can try...whatever this is?”
“Let me sleep on it.”
That night, as soon as the lights were out, I got my answer when he crawled into my bed.
The next few months were a veritable paradise, at least for me. By day, I was Eve’s devoted boyfriend, but my nights belonged only to Eric, aside from the occasional date night with Eve. I was completely satisfied with the arrangement, but as time went on, I could tell Eric was growing dissatisfied. His little comments about Eve became more and more acidic, betraying his jealousy, and he was moody more often than not. Whenever I tried to talk about it, however, he would shut it down and insist that everything was fine.
But it wasn’t fine. And I didn’t know how to fix it. I was nineteen and far out of my depth.
By the end of the school year, my double life was beginning to take its toll. I was ready for a break from both of my partners. Both Eve and Eric had internships lined up for the summer — Eve at an inner-city ministry in Philadelphia and Eric at a law firm all the way in New York City — while I was just going home.
Summer flew by, and I talked to both Eve and Eric as often as possible. Eve’s internship kept her busy, so we only talked a few times a week. Eric and I started off talking almost every night, but as the summer progressed, we talked less and less. He’d befriended some of his gay coworkers, and they’d introduced him to gay nightlife, and soon he was far too busy to talk to his secret closeted boyfriend.
I couldn’t be mad at him. In fact, I was happy he was experiencing new things, but I did worry about how this might affect our arrangement. Would he want more from when we returned to school? Would he want to end things? I wasn’t sure which idea scared me more.
When we returned to school in the fall, I was uncertain and nervous about seeing him again. I arrived first and waited anxiously in our room. As soon as he came through the door, I could feel the energy had shifted.
His dark hair was cut in a trendier style, his clothes were tighter, his shoes nicer, but above all that, he just seemed...lighter. Was that an earring glistening in his left earlobe?
I stood and stared at him, speechless.
He grinned and dropped his bag, then did a little twirl. “What do you think?”
“You look...different.”
“I feel different. I feel like a new man. New York opened my eyes in so many ways.”
“It shows.”
He frowned a little. “You don’t have to sound so unhappy about it.”
“I’m not! I mean, I’m glad you had fun. It’s just...”
He put his hands on his hips. “Just what?”
“You’re going to stand out here on campus.”
He cocked his head to one side. What was up with all these new mannerisms?
“You mean I look too gay now.”
“Well, I mean, yeah. Kind of. Is that an earring?”
“Oh yeah. Trevor talked me into it.”
“Trevor?”
“I told you about him.”
“No you didn’t.”
“I totally did. You must have just forgotten.”
It was my turn to frown. I was positive he hadn’t mentioned anyone named Tommy. He’d talked vaguely about work friends, but never dropped any names.
“Was he a work friend?”
“No, we met at a club.”
“Did you date him?”
He grabbed his bag and started unpacking. “Maybe,” he said with deliberate nonchalance. “Why? Would that make you jealous?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. If you were seeing someone, why didn’t you tell me?”
He sighed dramatically. “I didn’t need all the drama, Adam. I was having a good time. I wanted to get away from all this...childishness. Besides, why should it matter? You’re dating Eve. We’re just casual, right?”
I didn’t know what to say. Technically, he was right, but I felt like I might vomit. It was all too much.
“Did you two sleep together?” I don’t know why I asked. I couldn’t help myself.
He rolled his eyes. “Duh. Of course we did.”
I felt flush, hot and cold at the same time. I needed air.
I mumbled something unintelligible as I rushed past him and out the door. I took a long walk around campus in an attempt to clear my head, but I didn’t make any real progress. I felt like my world had crashed, but what had changed really? Aside from Eric’s entire personality and appearance, that is. How would the other students react to his new look?
Eric didn’t have many close friends here at school aside from Jason, but he often hung out with Jason’s — and by extension my — friend group. His makeover made me nervous. Our school was pretty homophobic. I was positive his new look and flamboyant body language would attract notice...and gossip.
And I was his best friend. I shared a room with him. We were always together.
A sense of deep dread settled over me. I felt like my world was turning upside down and I had no way of righting it. I was scared what his appearance might mean for me, but at the same time, perhaps unfairly, I felt betrayed — as if he'd cheated on me while he was in New York and made drastic decisions that would impact my life without warning me.
Some small logical part of my brain reminded me that I had a girlfriend and my relationship with Eric was a dark secret and I'd made decisions that affected Eric without considering him so I had no right to cast stones, but the hurt part of me drowned out that rational voice.
I don't know how long I wandered around in a fog, but when I finally — and reluctantly — returned to our room, I was relieved to find it empty. For a moment, I wondered where he was, but then I threw myself into my bed and fell asleep fully clothed.
The next few days confirmed all my fears. Eric was the talk of the campus. I couldn't keep count of how many people came up to me to ask what was going on with him. Even Jason seemed caught off guard. By the end of the week, the general consensus had arrived at the obvious conclusion: Eric was gay and he'd come out...at a conservative Baptist college.
There's an old, somewhat crass saying that says, "that went over like a fart in church." Eric's dramatic debut as an out proud gay man was more like explosive diarrhea.
As for Eric, outwardly, he seemed unphased. He went about his every day tasks ignoring the growing unrest about him. What started as stares and whispers quickly progressed to gossip, and by the end of the week, people were uttering slurs as he passed.
I had no idea what was going on in his head. I'd distanced myself from him as much as possible considering we shared a room and we hadn't spoken since that first day.
My friends — formerly his friends as well — had circled the wagons around me. They'd asked me within the first twenty-four hours if I'd known he was gay, and I'd fudged the truth a little and said he'd shocked me as much as anyone when we'd come back from summer break. I mean, sure, I avoided their actual question, but I wasn't lying.
I could see the disappointment in Jason's eyes, but I also noticed that he wasn't exactly standing up for Eric either. After a few days of watching Eric be treated like a pariah, he did ask if this is how Jesus would treat him, but he was quickly shot down with a barrage of Bible verses and didn't push farther.
It was only a matter of time before the administration got involved. I heard a rumor that he'd been called in for a conference with the school president and that it hadn't gone well.
All I knew for certain was that I came back from class one day to find his entire side of the room cleared out. Our RA knocked on the door as I stood staring at his stripped bed.
"Hey, uh, just wanted to let you know that your roommate has dropped out," he said awkwardly. "Or got kicked out. Nobody knows for sure. Either way, he's gone, and it's for the best. I'm really sorry you got stuck in that position. You handled it with grace."
I nodded, mumbled something about needing to finish a paper, and shut the door in his face. I leaned in, resting my forehead against the door and let out all of my grief, sobbing as silently as possible. By that point, we hadn't spoken in at least two weeks, but it still hurt that he'd leave without saying goodbye. It was as if what we'd had meant nothing to him, as if I meant nothing to him.
If anything, the next few days were even harder than the weeks that came before. While Eric was still there, I'd been in a sort of panic mode, trying to mitigate the damage to myself. With him gone, the full weight of my grief hit me, but I couldn't show it or share it with anyone, especially Eve.
Eve had been incredibly, and perhaps uncharacteristically, supportive through the entire ordeal, fiercely defending me while loudly denouncing Eric. Only once, while we were alone, did she ask me if he'd ever "tried anything" on me. I'd stuttered out an unconvincing denial then burst into tears, which only served to prove to her that he must have and I'd suffered in silence — which in a way I had, just not the way she thought.
I sank into a deep depression. I didn't have anyone to talk to so I kept it all inside, stuffed down deep. Everyone around me took the shift in my demeanor to be a reaction to Eric's quick and utter downfall. Of course, they weren't wrong, just, once again, not for the reasons they thought.
Eventually, the gossip about Eric died down and people moved on to the next thing. I continued dating Eve. After all, she was safe. I knew that I was at least bisexual — more likely gay. There was no denying it by then, not even to myself. I also knew that I never wanted to hurt as badly as I had with Eric. If that was love, then I didn't need it. I still got along great with Eve; we were friends. I convinced myself that it would be enough, that it was better this way. If I didn't care deeply for her, I couldn't be deeply hurt. It never occurred to me to ask if that was fair to Eve or not. I was in self-protection mode, still grieving deeply over Eric.
Our last two years of college passed by in a blur. I withdrew from everyone but Eve, applying myself to my studies with the same fervor that she did, a turn of events that further cemented our compatibility in her mind.
The day before we graduated, I proposed to Eve and she accepted. We were married a few months later.
Next Chapter
