Breaking Masks

By Josh Aterovis and Dabeagle

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Chapter 9 - Jake

I looked into Kody's silver-gray eyes and fought for breath. My heart felt like it was trying to pound its way out of my chest. Had he just asked me to stay?

At that moment, I wanted to do that more than anything. It felt so right just lying there in his arms, but I reminded myself that he was drunk. He didn't know what he was saying. I'd been in his position enough time to understand that this wasn't the same as consent.

Before I could react, he leaned forward in a clumsy attempt to kiss me.

For one brief second of pure, startled perfection, his lips brushed against mine, then he dropped back onto the bed.

He was out cold.

I just laid there next to him for a few minutes, watching him sleep while my brain processed everything that had just happened. Any lingering doubts I'd had about his sexuality had been neatly cleared up with that clumsy attempt at a kiss. I've learned from experience — I don't care how drunk you are, you don't kiss a guy unless you want to.

How you feel about it when you sober up is another issue altogether.

I knew I should leave, but I just couldn't stop looking at him. He was so beautiful. I wanted to touch him so badly, just run my fingers across the soft skin of his cheek. I wanted to kiss his eminently kissable lips. I reached out tentatively, just to brush his hair from his forehead...

I could fall for him, I realized with a lurch.

I jumped up from the bed. This couldn't be happening. I barely knew him. He's basically a stranger. I couldn't fall for him. I backed out of the bedroom, quietly pulling the door closed behind me, then just stood there for a minute.

What am I doing? I can't fall for this kid. We're so different. He's so innocent and pure. And I'm...not.

I made my way out of their dorm, taking a side exit to avoid the lobby. I could only hope Toshi had made a full recovery and things hadn't spiraled too far out of control. One thing was for certain, they sure knew how to create a distraction.

As I walked slowly back to my building, I couldn't stop thinking about Kody. It occurred to me that he'd been taking up an inordinate amount of my thoughts lately. What was I going to do about him? I was clearly drawn to him, but was pursuing him worth the risk of rejection? I knew I'd have to be honest with him about my past, and I didn't know if I could stand to see his face filled with disgust for me.

Maybe it would just be easier to avoid him altogether.

But that would hurt in a different way.

My thoughts careened wildly around and around in my head, but I'd come to no conclusions by the time I reached my own, much shabbier dorm.

I could hear Foster as soon as I stepped off the elevator on my floor. I paused and listened outside the door. From the sound of things, he was still very drunk and very unhappy.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. Brayden and Foster both turned to face me as I stepped in. Foster's posture was aggressive, but Brayden didn't seem intimidated. Then again, I guess when you're the size of two grizzly bears in a trench coat, not much threatens you.

Foster immediately launched a verbal attack. "What the fuck were you doing?" he snarled at me. "I can't believe you two stuck up for that little fag."

I wasn't in the mood to put up with his mouth. "Give me a break, Foster," I shot back. "You're twice his size."

"Hey, the fag started it! He jumped me."

"No, you started it when you opened your big mouth."

Brayden was watching our exchange with an impassive expression, his big head swiveling back and forth like a lawn sprinkler on speed.

"What are you trying to say?" Foster demanded.

"I'm trying to say you acted like an ignorant bully."

"The fag deserved—"

"Stop saying that word."

"What word? Fag? Why? Are you some kind of fag lover?"

"Shut up, Foster. We're not having this conversation. You're an idiot when you're sober and you're even worse when you're drunk."

An ugly look passed across his face, and I was suddenly very glad Brayden was in the room.

"Maybe you're a fag yourself," Foster sneered.

I ignored him and started getting ready for bed, but Foster wasn't finished yet.

"Is that it? My roommate's a fag?"

I felt him come up behind me and stiffened. Brayden moved closer as Foster grabbed my arm and spun me around, shoving me against my desk.

"Are you a fag, Jake?"

"Foster, stop," Brayden rumbled.

Personally, I would have stopped just from the tone of his voice, but Foster was too far gone.

"Are you?"

Something inside me snapped. I looked him right in the eye and said, "Yes."

Foster's fist drew back so fast I didn't have time to do more than flinch, but the blow never landed.

Brayden moved to intervene with a speed I'd never suspected he possessed. His knuckles connected solidly with Foster's face, actually sending him flying a short distance through the air before he hit the floor with a heavy thud. He didn't move.

I stared down at him for a few seconds before glancing over at Brayden. He was looking at Foster with a sad expression on his face.

"I didn't want to hit him," he said.

"I know, but I'm sure glad you did."

He looked over at me. "Foster always gets mean when he gets drunk."

I couldn't argue with that so I just nodded.

"Is he...dead?" I asked after a few seconds of us both just staring at his inert form.

"Nah. I didn't hit him that hard."

I thought Foster might beg to differ — if he ever regained consciousness — but dropped it.

Brayden picked Foster up and laid him on his bed.

"I don't think I should sleep in here tonight, just in case he wakes up and is still mad," I said.

"I can stay," the big lug offered.

"Where would you sleep? Nah, I think it's best if I clear out."

He nodded. "Where will you go?"

"I can probably stay on Erin's futon again." He blinked at me without comprehension. "I can stay with a friend." He nodded again.

I pulled out some clothes from my dresser and stuffed them into my backpack. I didn't want to have to face Foster in the morning...or ever again, for that matter.

"Are you?" Brayden asked suddenly.

I stopped what I was doing and looked over at him. He was studying me closely, as if trying to figure something out.

"Am I what?"

"What Foster said?"

"A fag?"

"I didn't want to use that word after you yelled at Foster for saying it."

"You want to know if I'm gay?"

He nodded.

I eyed his huge frame and thought about the damage he could do to me if he didn't like my answer. So far, he'd been a gentle giant when it came to his interaction with me, but I'd just watched him knock a big guy like Foster halfway across the room with a single punch. What could he do to me?

"Does it matter?"

He shrugged. "Not really. I don't care who you like. You're nice. That's what matters."

"I'm...nice?"

Being nice felt like a foreign concept. I'd spent two years of my life being a selfish prick. Sure, I had my reasons, but I'd been so caught up in my misery and addictions that I'd only cared about myself. I was only "nice" in order to get what I wanted, which was usually sex and/or drugs. I'd spent the last year or so in therapy, trying to make amends and be a better person, but I hadn't thought of myself as nice in a long time, if ever, really.

"You're nice to me," he said, as if it was just that simple.

I felt a pang of guilt at his words. I really hadn't been very nice to him. The fact that he thought I had been spoke volumes about the kind of treatment he must be used to. I decided I at least owed him the truth.

"Yeah, I'm gay."

He smiled as if I'd confirmed something he'd suspected. "I thought so. You're sweet on that little guy, aren't you?"

I felt a flush creeping up my cheeks. "Kody?"

"Is he the one Foster punched at the party?"

"Yeah."

"That's the one. You like him, don'tcha?"

"Yeah, I do," I said and laughed as the surrealistic quality of this conversation struck me. The first person I tell about my crush is an enormous straight simpleton.

Brayden's smile grew. "Does he like you?"

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"You should ask."

"It's not quite that easy, Brayden."

"Why not?"

"It's not the same for guys like me as it is for you. You can just walk up to a girl that you like and ask her out. I can get beat up or even killed if I ask the wrong person."

Brayden thought about it a second then slowly bobbed his head once. "Maybe if the guy is someone like Foster, but Kody couldn't beat up a third grader."

I laughed. "He took Foster down."

"Only cuz he was drunk and didn't expect the little guy to jump him."

I looked over at Foster. The area around his eye where Brayden had hit him was swelling slightly and already starting to turn dark. He was going to have quite a shiner when he woke up.

"I should probably go before he comes to," I said with a sigh. "I don't look forward to sharing a room with him in the future."

"You'll have to be careful now," Brayden said. "I'll watch out for you when I'm around."

I grinned. Just earlier that night I'd thought Brayden felt like my bodyguard, and now he really was.

Brayden frowned. "That little guy will need to watch out more than you, though."

"You think Foster will mess with him?"

"He's gonna be mad. He made him look bad in front of all those people."

I hadn't even thought about that. Great. Just what I needed — something else to worry about.

"I'll watch out for him, too," he said.

I smiled at Brayden. He really wasn't such a bad guy. I picked up my backpack and slung it over my shoulder.

"So yeah, I guess I'll go see if I can stay with Erin."

"Okay. Do you care if I stay here tonight? I'll keep an eye on Foster."

"That's not a bad idea. You can just take my bed."

"Take it where?"

I laughed, then realized he wasn't making a joke. "Um, you can sleep in my bed."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks."

I smiled at Brayden again. "No, thank you."

"For what?"

"For being a friend."

He looked surprised. "We're friends?"

"Hell yeah. You saved my ass tonight."

A huge grin spread across his face. "Cool."

"G'night, Brayden."

"Night, Jake."

I slipped out of the room and went to see if Erin's futon was available.

"Hey," she said when she opened the door. "What's up? Everything okay?"

I wasn't sure how much to say. There were so many people involved beyond just Foster — Kody, Brayden, Nick, whoever was hosting the party. I didn't want to get a bunch of people in trouble one week into the semester.

Besides, even if I wanted to change rooms, where would I go? I'd heard the rumors about a housing shortage on campus. I wanted to at least try to talk to Foster when he was sober before taking the nuclear option.

I decided to dodge the question, for the moment anyway.

"Still adjusting to the new roommate situation. You know how it is. Think I could crash on your futon again?"

She gave me a look that clearly said she wasn't buying what I was selling, but was willing to let it go...for the moment, at least.

"Of course," she said. "It'll be like a slumber party!" She grabbed my arm and dragged me into her room.

We stayed up for a while, just talking and getting to know each other better. At some point, I felt comfortable enough to tell her about the situation with Foster and what had happened at the party and back in our dorm room.

She immediately went into professional RA mode.

"Jake, that's pretty serious. You need to file a report with campus safety."

I was startled. "What? No! I can handle it."

"No, that's a serious infraction. Foster should face disciplinary action for the homophobic remarks alone, let alone the threats of violence."

"But I don't want to get Kody or Brayden in trouble."

"Why would they get in trouble? Just leave them out of it."

"You really think Foster won't throw them under the bus at the first possible opportunity? Kody was drunk and jumped Foster, and Brayden punched the douche nozzle and knocked him out cold."

Erin shook her head. "Kody was acting in self-defense, and Brayden was protecting you. I think the administration would be lenient on them."

"But you don't know for sure. I can't risk ruining Kody's life. What if he got expelled for drinking and starting a fight?"

She eyed me carefully. "You like him, don't you?"

"Who?" I squeaked, my voice breaking in a way it hadn't since I was an early teen.

She grinned. "Kody, duh. You have a crush. Does he like you too?"

I shrugged and looked away but she wasn't giving up that easily.

"Uh uh. Spill the tea."

"Are you even allowed to say that?"

"Jake..."

"Fine. He, uh, he might have tried to kiss me when I took him back to his room."

Erin squealed with delight.

"Don't get too excited," I said quickly. "He was drunk. When he's sober, he can barely string two words together around me. Nothing is going to happen."

"Oh come on! How can you say that? You have to ask him out!"

"It's not that simple."

"Why not?"

"I'd really rather not talk about it," I said.

To her credit, she smoothly changed the subject, but I could see the wheels were turning. We talked a while longer, but, eventually, we both grew too tired to keep our eyes open and fell asleep.

I was a little disoriented when I awoke the next morning. I sat up and remembered where I was, but Erin was nowhere to be seen. I found my phone and checked the time. It was after ten! That was sleeping late for me. I got up and found a note from Erin on my backpack.

Gone out for breakfast with Carlos. Help yourself to the shower.

See you later,

Erin

I took her up on her offer and jumped in the shower. She still wasn't back by the time I got dressed, so I left her a quick note thanking her for letting me stay, then went to get some coffee.

I was secretly hoping to see Kody, but coffee was a good excuse.

I pushed open the door and was disappointed to see no sign of my crush. Max and the dark-haired guy I'd seen last night were working behind the counter. Max grinned as soon as she saw me.

"Well, if it isn't the Good Samaritan. Helped any old ladies across the street today?"

Max was a joker. I knew her type and I knew just how to play up to them.

"No. Why? Did you need to cross the street?" I quipped with a wink.

Max threw her head back and let out a guffaw. "Oh yeah," she said, wiping her eyes dramatically. "I definitely like you, kid."

"Call me Jake."

"There're a lot of things I'd like to call you, but none I can say in front of Mike here." She leaned over the counter and added in a stage whisper, "Virgin ears..."

I glanced over at Mike who looked quite bored with the whole exchange. He wasn't exactly Mr. Personality.

"So what can I get you?" Max asked.

"A double shot of espresso, please."

"Coming right up."

She made my drink and I handed her a ten. As she was getting my change, she looked up slyly.

"So, have you given any thought to applying for a job here? We're still hiring."

I accepted my change and receipt while I pretended to think about her question. "I'll let you know when I get that desperate."

She stuck her tongue out at me, and I was surprised to see she had a tongue stud. "I'll be sure to let Kody know you dropped in to see him," she added with a smirk.

I must have looked startled because she started chortling again with the satisfied expression of one who has taken a shot in the dark and hit the bull's-eye.

I let her have the last word and left with my coffee. It seemed I may have underestimated Max.

Was I really that transparent? If it was so obvious that Brayden could see it, I guess I was.

I walked back to campus and decided to risk going back to my room. I listened at the door but didn't hear anything inside. I went in to find the room unoccupied. I think it was the first time in days I'd opened my door without finding Brayden inside. It felt strangely empty without his calm presence.

I was playing video games when the door flew open and Foster walked in. I jumped to my feet and eyed him warily. He was sporting a huge black eye that was almost completely swollen shut, but a range of emotions flickered across the rest of his face, finally settling on sheepish.

"Hey, Jake," he said softly.

"Foster."

"Look, I owe you a huge apology for last night. I was way out of line. I have a really bad temper when I'm drunk."

I didn't know quite how to take this. What had happened last night was more than just a bad temper.

"I, uh...it's nice of you to apologize but it still doesn't excuse what happened."

"Yeah. You're right. It's just that I've never known any gay people before."

I raised an eyebrow. "So that makes it okay?"

"No, that's not what I'm trying to say. It's just that... Okay, listen. When I get drunk, I get kind of...what's the word? Belli...belligernt?"

"Belligerent?"

"Yeah, that. My dad always said I get a big mouth. I didn't really mean to start a fight with that little...uh, punk. It wasn't really anything against him, you know? I just run my mouth. I didn't expect him to just jump me like that."

"You just expected him to take it?"

He shrugged and had the grace to look a little ashamed.

"So what happened when I got back to the room? You tried to attack me too."

He shifted his weight uncomfortably. "I'm real sorry about that, Jake. I guess I was just mad and taking it out on you."

"I don't think this rooming arrangement is going to work."

"Huh? Why? I said I'm sorry."

"How do I know you won't decide to take it out on me again? Besides, you clearly showed that you're homophobic last night. I wouldn't think you'd want a fag for a roommate."

He flinched at my use of the f-slur.

"I promise I won't take it out on you again. That was really stupid. And as far as sharing a room with...with you, like I said, I've never known any gay people before. You seem like a good guy, though. You haven't, like, hit on me or anything."

"Trust me, I won't."

"So yeah, I don't care if you stay."

"Well, gee whiz, Foster. I really appreciate you generously letting me stay in my own room and all, but that still doesn't guarantee me that the next time you get drunk, I won't end up as your punching bag."

"I said I promise—"

"Foster, I used to drink. I know how long promises last when you're smashed. As long as you plan to continue to get drunk, you can't promise me a damn thing."

"I'm not gonna stop drinking. I mean, that's great that you did and all, but I don't have a problem."

"You don't think that making homophobic comments, starting fights, and almost punching your roommate is a problem?"

"Hey, I told you I didn't start that fight!"

"Foster, talking to you is like talking to a brick wall."

"Why are you being such a prick? I said I was sorry, didn't I?"

"Apologizing isn't always enough. It's a start, but it has to be followed up by action or it's just empty words."

"What do you mean?"

"If you say you're sorry, then turn around and do the same thing over again, what's the point? How many times will you say you're sorry? And how many times am I supposed to accept your apology? Take it from somebody who's been the one apologizing."

"You're not even giving me a chance. So far, I've only asked you to accept my apology once because I've only screwed up once."

Okay, the dummy has a point.

"Yeah, okay," I conceded. "I'll give you another chance. But if you screw up again, I'm out of here and I'll report you to campus police. I doubt they'll be very tolerant."

He blanched. "My dad will kill me if I get in trouble."

"Then maybe you shouldn't be such an asshole."

I tried to go back to my game, but I was too distracted after our confrontation. Adrenaline was coursing through my body and I needed to get out of the room. I decided to take a walk.

"I'll be back later," I said as I let myself out.

I started off walking aimlessly, but soon found myself standing in front of Kody's dorm.

I really should check on him, I told myself. But how would I get into his building without his keycard?

His keycard!

It was still in my pocket of the pants I'd worn the night before. In all the confusion, I'd forgotten to give it back. I rushed back to my room, which Foster had thankfully abandoned, retrieved the card, and then jogged back to Kody's dorm.

I let myself in by the same side door I'd exited from the night before and made my way up to Kody and Nick's floor. I knocked on their door, but didn't get an answer. I tried again with the same result, and started to get a little worried. Kody hadn't been in great shape last night. Maybe I shouldn't have left.

I felt in my pocket for something to write a note on. I found my receipt from The Morning Rush and a pen and jotted down a quick note letting him know I'd stopped by to check on him and return his keycard, then shoved both under the door and left.

Mission semi accomplished, I found myself at loose ends. I wasn't ready to return to my room, but I had no idea what to do with myself. I was wandering aimlessly around campus when I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket.

It was a text from Erin: Impromptu movie party in my room.

What's the movie? I sent back, even though I'd already started walking in the direction of our building.

We'll decide when you get here. Group consensus.

Fair enough.

I was halfway there when I felt a hand clamp on my shoulder. I yelped and ducked out from their grip, spinning around to find Brayden giving me a concerned look.

"Did I scare you?" he asked.

"Yeah, Brayden, you did. Warn a guy next time."

He nodded. "I will." Then he just stood there.

"Did you, uh, need something or...?"

"Oh. I was bored, but then I saw you and thought I'd say hi."

I waved. "Hi."

He looked at me as if I'd lost my mind.

"Anything else?" I asked, starting to edge away slowly. No sudden moves.

"What are you up to?"

"On my way to watch a movie with Erin and some friends." She hadn't specified who else was there, but group consensus implied more than just her and me.

"What movie?"

"I don't know yet. We're going to decide when I get there."

"Sounds fun. Guess I'll see you around."

He looked so sad and pathetic that I felt bad for him.

"Want to join us?" I asked, against my better judgement.

His face lit up. "Yeah. I'd like that."

"Then come on, Big Guy. Let's go watch a movie."

I hoped there was room for Goliath. Erin's room was bigger than mine, but still not that large, especially if she already had a bunch of people over.

A few minutes later, Erin answered my knock with a big, toothy grin. Her eyes widened as she looked past me to the wall of flesh behind me, though, to her credit, her smile never wavered.

"Hey," I said, trying not to laugh. "I brought Brayden. Hope that's okay."

"Of course," she said without hesitation. "The more the merrier. Come on in."

She stepped back to reveal Carlos, Toshi, Mira, the gorgeous Black girl who was on my team for the orientation game day, as well as a girl I hadn't met before on one end of the couch.

"Okay...let's see. Everyone, this is Jake and Brayden." She said, once more in full RA mode. "And this is Carlos, Toshi, Mira, and Alys," Erin said, indicating each person in turn, ending with the girl I didn't know.

Alys was all sharp angles and shy energy, hiding behind a curtain of dark hair. She glanced up to reveal dark brown eyes lined heavily with black, winged eyeliner and a pierced nose. She gave a little wave then quickly looked away. She wore a graphic tee layered under a cropped, loose-knit sweater, and a pleated skirt over a pair of leggings and heavy combat boots. Her nails were short but painted, if chipped. She had broad shoulders that she pulled in on herself, as if she was self-conscious.

Introductions out of the way, we moved to negotiating our seating arrangements. Mira took the end of the couch opposite Alys, and Toshi was small enough to slot in between them. Erin squeezed into the papasan chair with Carlos, half on his lap, leaving the floor for Brayden and I, though Erin did provide a couple of cushions.

Once we were settled, Erin started surfing the streaming platforms looking for something we could all agree on. Twenty minutes later, we still hadn't made a decision.

"Oh hey," Toshi said suddenly. "This one has a rainbow collection. Let's watch a queer movie."

"Would everybody be okay with that?" Erin asked.

Mira shrugged. "I'm down."

"Me too," I said.

Carlos also agreed, and Brayden and Alys just shrugged.

I'd never heard of most of the movies in the collection: But I'm A Cheerleader, The Birdcage, To Wong Foo, Priscilla Queen of the Desert. I'd heard of Brokeback Mountain, but that was about it.

"Why are they all so old?" Mira asked.

"They do look dated," Carlos said.

"This one stars Troye Sivan," Erin offered.

"Pass," Mira commented drily.

"If they're not old, they sound depressing as hell," Toshi complained.

"Wait, what's that?" I interrupted. "Go back. There. What's that one?"

"Beautiful Thing? Never heard of it," Erin said.

"Me either," I said. "But the cover image caught my eye." It was an image of two young guys embracing.

"It came out in 1996," Carlos pointed out.

"I wasn't even born yet!" Toshi said.

"None of us were," Mira added.

"It sounds good, though," Erin said diplomatically.

"It's fine, just play it," Mira said. "Otherwise, we're going to just keep scrolling for the rest of the night."

"Everybody okay with this one?" Erin asked.

"Is there going to be, like, a lot of...sex in this?" Brayden asked nervously.

"It says it's rated R for sexuality, language and drug use. Is that a problem?"

"Uh no. Just curious."

"Relax, Big Guy," I said. "It's not like we're watching Heated Rivalry."

"So we're good?" Erin clarified, and everyone agreed. "Great! Let's go!"

She hit play and the movie started. It turned out to be pretty good. Parts of it felt a little dated, especially the fashion, but the central love story felt pretty timeless.

When it ended, I could have sworn I saw Brayden swiping away a tear. I definitely heard sniffling coming from Toshi's direction.

"That was really sweet," Erin said as the credits started to roll.

"It was, but I hate that it was made thirty years ago and the homophobia is still so relevant," Mira said.

"It almost feels like we've regressed in some ways," I said.

"Try being trans," Alys said softly, the first words I'd heard her speak since we arrived.

"Oh baby girl, I can't even imagine. It's hard enough being a black lesbian," Mira said.

"Or Asian and nonbinary," Toshi added.

I twisted around to face the couch. "Yeah, compared to you three, I guess I have it pretty easy as a white cis gay guy."

"These days, no queer person has it easy," Mira responded immediately. "We're all under attack by these damn fascists."

"It's scary," Toshi agreed. "Especially as an immigrant. I mean, we moved here when I was a little kid, and we're all here legally, but that doesn't even seem to matter anymore. My parents have been really scared since...since everything started getting bad. They've even talked about moving back to Japan."

"I know what you mean," Carlos said. "My tio, my uncle, was abducted by ICE agents. He's a fourth generation American, and they still beat him and locked him up for over a week. It took us three days to even find where they were holding him, or if he was even alive."

"That's awful," Toshi breathed.

"Yeah, and to add insult to injury, we're Mexicanos, indigenous people. We were here first! Well, not here in New York, but you know what I mean. They don't care about any of that, only that we're brown."

Erin wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his shoulder.

"How would you feel about moving to Japan?" I asked Toshi. "I think I'd be happy to get out of here."

They shrugged. "I don't really remember living there so the U.S. is my home. My parents were really big on assimilating into American culture so I wasn't even raised culturally Japanese, for the most part. Plus, Japan doesn't have any anti-discrimination laws for LGBTQ people. They don't even have marriage for same-sex couples. Things are pretty terrible here right now, but I feel fairly safe in New York. That's why I only applied to colleges in the northeast. At least there are laws and protections in place. I just need to survive the next few years."

"But what if we don't?" Alys said, her voice barely audible. "If they ignore the laws and nobody holds them accountable, what good are those laws? Things will only keep escalating. They came for me first, for the trans community. And they came for immigrants, but only the brown ones, of course. But they'll come for all of you eventually." She glanced up. "Even you, Erin. They're trying to strip women's rights, too. You say you feel safe here, but I don't feel safe anywhere anymore."

"Well damn, this party turned dark," Mira said after a few minutes of silence. "No lies detected though. We're here to learn, but how are we supposed to do that when we're literally afraid for our lives? And why are we even getting an education? Like, what kind of a world will we even be graduating into in four years? It all seems so pointless."

Erin straightened up. "I get it. I really do, but we can't think like that. Times are hard, but we have to believe that it will get better."

"Just believing it will get better isn't enough," Alys said, her voice surprisingly firm. "We have to work to make it better."

"But what can we do?" Toshi asked. "We're just kids."

"Kids have made a difference over and over throughout history," she replied. "Student movements were a crucial part of the civil rights movement and the anti-war protests."

"Not everybody is an activist..." Toshi's voice was small.

"Nobody says you have to be out on the front lines. There are plenty of other ways to help. We're all eighteen, right? You have to vote. Write letters. Make calls. Make your voice heard. The time for silence passed a long time ago. Silence is complicity."

"Obviously, this is something weighing on everyone," Erin said. "We all need safe places to relax and vent and share our fears. I may not be gay, but I am an ally."

"Speak, Valentina," Toshi threw in, but nobody laughed. The vibes were too heavy.

Erin smiled, though, acknowledging the attempt at lightening the mood, and continued, "My room is always safe, but for a lot of you guys, I can also recommend the Rainbow Roost."

"That's the school GSA, right?" Toshi asked. "I stopped by their booth during orientation week."

"Yeah. They could be another place for support. I think meetings start soon. You can look online or I can get you the info if you are interested."

"What's a GSA?" Brayden asked. He'd been so quiet, I'd almost forgotten he was there.

"Gay/straight alliance," Erin explained.

"It's sort of like a club for people in the alphabet mafia," Mira explained.

"Do you have to be gay to go?" Brayden asked.

"No," Erin stepped back in. "That's why they call it a gay/straight alliance and not just a gay club. I’m straight and I go sometimes."

"How'd you get involved?" I asked.

She paused, and Carlos' arms tightened around her waist. She drew in a deep breath. "My...my best friend came out to me as trans in high school. We went to a pretty conservative Catholic school, so it wasn't easy. I tried to be her support, but her family was really transphobic. They were so hateful. She...she killed herself two weeks before graduation."

We all sat in stunned silence. No one seemed to know what to say.

"I'm sorry," I finally managed, regretting my question even though I'd had no way of knowing. Erin came across so bubbly and carefree, but I was once again reminded that you never know what people are dealing with under the surface.

She shook her head. "No need to apologize. It's important to remember her. Her name was Sadie, even if that's not the name on her tombstone. She'll always be a part of me. She made me an activist. Last year, I was the vice president of the Rainbow Roost. I'm really involved in community awareness stuff and fighting for LGBTQ rights. The meetings aren't all political though. We have a lot of fun. We watch movies, play games, go on trips, have special guests, plan events. Seriously, you should all come."

"I'm in," Mira said right away.

Toshi nodded. "Me too."

"I'll think about it," Alys mumbled.

"I'll try to make it sometime," I said vaguely.

I'd had mixed experiences with the GSA at my old high school. Killian's brother Kane was the president for a while, even though he was straight. It was a good group, but it had felt a little cliquish at times. Or maybe I just wasn't much of a joiner. Still, I should probably give the one here a try before writing it off completely, especially if Erin vouched for it.

The group broke up not long after. It was hard to come back from the dark turn our conversation had taken. We were all feeling a bit somber, and, besides, as Erin reminded us, we all had classes the next day.

It was past dinner time by then, as my stomach reminded me, so I headed for the dining hall, Brayden on my heels like the world's largest duckling.

After we ate, I figured Brayden would go back to his room, but I should have known better. He followed me up to mine, which we found empty, much to my relief. I still wasn't in the mood to deal with Foster.

The next question was what to do with my newly acquired over-sized shadow.

"Do you play video games?" I asked.

He nodded.

"What kinds of games do you like?"

"Do you have Madden?"

"Uh, no."

"Mario Cart?"

"Yeah, I have that."

We settled down and played for a while, got bored, and switched to an animated TV show. After four or five episodes, I was getting tired and started dropping hints. My hints landed on deaf ears, however, and I realized I was going to have to be a lot less subtle.

I got up and started getting ready for bed, while commenting, "Man, I'm getting tired!"

"Oh," he said, looking surprised. He checked his phone. "I guess it is getting late. I should let you get to bed, Jake."

"Yeah, we should both get to bed, huh?"

He stood up and just stood there, looking unsure. "Um, thanks for inviting me to watch the movie with your friends. It was good. And I learned a lot."

"From the movie or our conversation after?" I asked, teasing ever so gently.

"Both," he said seriously. "Anyway, g'night, Jake."

"Good night, Brayden. Rest well and dream of large women."

He blinked at me for a moment, then nodded and left.

I set the alarm on my phone and crawled into bed, where I fell asleep quickly.

I woke up when Foster stumbled in a few hours later, but thankfully he went right to bed, and I was able to fall back asleep with no problem.

I awoke the next morning before my alarm went off, so I turned it off before going to take my shower. Once I was dressed, I grabbed the books I needed for the morning, and set out for coffee.

On the way, Brayden fell into step next to me. I hadn't even heard him approaching. For a big guy, he could move silently when he wanted to.

"Morning, Brayden," I greeted him.

He gave me a big smile and nodded.

"The strong, silent type this morning, huh?" I joked.

He nodded again.

"Works for me. You like coffee?"

He shook his head no.

"Hot chocolate?"

Another nod.

"So noted."

A few minutes later, we arrived at The Morning Rush. I glanced in the window before going in and saw Kody wiping down the tables. By the time I opened the door, all I saw was his tail end disappearing into the back room, leaving the coffee shop completely abandoned.

What the hell was going on?

I couldn't help feeling disappointed. Maybe I should just find another coffee shop. No need to torture both of us if he was avoiding me.

I approached the counter, and cleared my throat. "Um... Hello?"

Marla swept in from the back room.

"Morning, handsome," she said breezily, then noticed Brayden. "And you too, tall, strong, and gorgeous."

Brayden looked around as if she must be talking to someone else. Marla caught my eye and gave me a look I couldn't interpret.

"What can I do for you this morning?" she asked.

I ordered my coffee for me and a hot chocolate for Brayden, and Marla started preparing our drinks.

While we waited, I studied Brayden. For someone who rarely seemed to have anything going on behind his eyes, he appeared to be deep in thought. Or maybe he just wasn't awake yet.

A few minutes later, Marla slid our to-go cups across the counter. "There ya go," she said with a toothy smile.

Brayden and I both pulled out our wallets at the same time.

"No, this one's on me," I said quickly. "Least I can do after all you've done."

"You don't owe me nuthin, Jake," he argued.

"Then let me buy my friend a hot chocolate."

His face lit up, and he quietly sipped his drink.

I paid, then we made our way to my table.

"You okay, Big Guy?" I asked after we were seated.

Brayden shrugged. "Yeah. I didn't know if we'd still be friends today."

"Why wouldn't we be?"

"I thought maybe you were just being nice yesterday because I hit Foster for you."

I managed not to laugh. "No, that's not the only reason we're friends."

"Oh. Okay. Cool." He smiled as if I'd just cleared up a lifelong mystery for him.

If only all my relationships were as simple as this one, I thought as I scanned the room for Kody. I was hoping he would reappear before we had to leave, but I was destined to be disappointed.

Eventually, our drinks were gone, and it was obvious that Kody wasn't going to return as long as I was there. For all I knew, he'd ducked out the back door. Either way, I couldn't sit around waiting all day.

"I guess we should get to class," I said with a sigh.

Brayden nodded, and we headed back to campus.

My first class was English Lit. The professor was a short, wiry man with energy to spare. He bounced around the front of the room, guaranteeing that he would keep things lively, if nothing else. He asked if we'd been able to get all our required reading books on his list, and I told him the bookstore was out of one of the titles, the one he wrote.

"As much as I appreciate the royalties," he said with an ironic grin, "may I remind you that the library exists and is free to use. All you need is your student ID. I encourage all of you to check it out, literally and metaphorically."

The class chuckled as my face blazed. I hadn't even thought about the library.

I headed there immediately after class, hoping I hadn't made too much of a bad impression on a professor I already liked.

I found his book on the shelf and checked it out. I was actually looking forward to reading it, and I'd never been much of a reader.

By the time I left the library, it was just about noon, so I headed for the Commons. The lunch special was chicken strips and fries, so I helped myself and looked for a table. I spotted Brayden eating alone off to one side and decided to join him.

He looked up and smiled as I approached. "Hey, Jake," he greeted me.

"Hey, Brayden."

We ate in silence for a few minutes before Brayden suddenly grunted. "Hey, isn't that your boy?"

I looked up in time to see Kody dropping his tray off at a trash can and practically running from the cafeteria.

"What was that about?" I mused aloud.

Brayden shrugged. "I dunno. He saw us and took off."

I sighed. So that was how it was going to be. He was definitely avoiding me.

"I guess he's embarrassed about the other night."

Brayden frowned. "Why should he be embarrassed? He got a couple good shots in before Foster clobbered him. As little as he is, he shouldn't be embarrassed that he went down with one punch."

"There's more to it than that, but I really can't go into it."

He gave me a grin. "Oh. Gay stuff."

I laughed. "Yeah, gay stuff."

"Like in the movie."

"Yeah. Except life isn't like a movie. You don't always get happy endings."

He sat thoughtfully for a moment, just chewing, then said, "But you deserve a happy ending, Jake."

His unexpected kindness caught me off guard, making it hard to swallow around the sudden lump in my throat.

"Uh, thanks, buddy. Wish I believed that half as much as you do."

He looked like he was about to argue with me, but I'd lost my appetite for lunch and that particular conversational thread.

"Hey," I said quickly. "I'm getting full. You want the rest of my chicken?"

My distraction worked, and Brayden gratefully inhaled the rest of my lunch. He finished eating then left for his next class.

I sat at the table for a few more minutes wondering what to do about Kody. He'd given me the perfect excuse not to pursue him. I could walk away now and no one could ever blame me.

And I would never have to tell him about my past.

Presented with this out, however, I found I didn't want it. Brayden's words still rang in my mind. Maybe I did deserve a happy ending. And why couldn't it be with Kody?

With a sudden, surprising clarity, I realized I wanted to be with Kody. I wanted to hold him in my arms and feel his lips against mine again, but a real kiss. My breath quickened just thinking about it.

The idea of telling him about my past still terrified me, but I knew that I couldn't just let him walk away. I was going to pursue him. If he wanted to tell me to get lost, that's what he'd have to do, but he'd have to tell me to my face.

Decision made, I left for my next class with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face.

The chase was on.

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