Control

Part 3

By Dabeagle and Israfil

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“One that laughs, one that cries.

One says hello one says goodbye

One does things I don't understand

Makes me feel like half a man.”

-Two Faces, Bruce Springsteen

--Jon--

I woke with my phone buzzing in my hand. I blinked a few times, lifted the phone, now still, and woke it to look at the time. Fuck. Who’d hit me up this early? I stretched and yawned before sitting up and taking a closer look at my phone. It wasn’t Jake, though I did see he’d read my text. It felt ominous that he hadn’t replied. I heard Geoff in the back of my head saying I was pushing Jake away, and it felt like someone slapped my heart. Worse, I think, was that Derek had replied. He said he didn’t have much time, but he’d be at Perks at ten if I wanted to talk.

I looked at the clock and decided I had just enough time to shower. I felt greasy, and my mouth was a little dry from the alcohol the night before. I was on my way shortly, pulling in at Perks just after ten. Derek was sitting at a table outside. I thought about saying I’d just go in and grab a coffee, but I didn’t think he’d allow it; he didn’t look happy to be there. Great.

“Hey,” I said, taking a seat.

He looked at me for a minute before he spoke. “I just want to be up front with you, Jon. I know we’re not friends. I know you know this. I’m only here for Jake, just in case I can help him. But Austin is in the car over there,” he tilted his head toward the end of the lot. “And if this is some little revenge thing for me stepping to you when you grabbed Jake’s arm yesterday, he’s going to call the cops.”

I have to admit, I was really surprised. “Uh. Okay. I mean, I wasn’t here for that. I’m not, like, someone that just randomly attacks people.”

He stared at me.

“I’m not!” I protested.

“What do you want, Jon?”

I let out an unsteady breath and tried to remember why I was here. Of course he hates me. He’s on Jake’s side. That’s why you’re talking to him. “I’ve screwed up. A lot. Bigger than usual.”

He waited for a beat. “This is not news.”

I pushed my tongue around in my mouth. “I guess I made an impression on you.”

He tilted his head. “Not just on me. But this isn’t about me, is it?”

I thought about that for a second. “Maybe it is, a little.”

“How so?” he asked, looking very surprised.

I closed my eyes, my whole body in turmoil about what I was about to do; show my belly to someone that had every reason to shiv me. “I…understand I haven’t…I don’t fit in your group.”

“By your choice.”

I tightened my jaw. It seemed like he was going to get in his shots.. I never realized Derek had this side to him, but then I didn’t know him well. “Okay, that’s fair.”

“Not that it really matters, but why? Why do you hate us all so much? What the fuck did we ever do to you?”

“I don’t,” I said defensively.

‘Well, doesn’t matter,” he said, leaning back and crossing his arms.

Fuck. “I…look, it’s not….”

“We don’t like each other. Let's leave it there and get on with whatever you wanted,” Derek said, his tone impatient.

“So you don’t like me!” Sometimes I do exactly the wrong thing and I know it as soon as I’ve said it. Damn it! I didn’t want to fight with him!

He leaned forward. “What’s to like, Jon? Seriously? When Jake fell for you, I thought he was nuts! You were always acting like you were so much better, and I thought Jake was headed for a huge letdown. Then you came out as bi, and I thought, well, that’s hard. I tried, Jon. I tried so hard so many times to include you, to be friendly, and you practically turned your nose up like I was dogshit on your shoe.”

I hunched a little. “I think that’s a little… I was always nice to you.”

“Dude, give us a little credit.” He shook his head and scoffed. “Sure, you were polite and smiled, but in a way that made it crystal clear you were there just for Jake. Do you know how awkward that is? So yeah, after a while, people aren’t exactly going to be hyped to see you show up."

“Cause you always seemed suspicious of me! Like I wasn’t good enough for your friend,” I argued.

“Kind of had reason to be, though. You slammed Gavin’s face into the wall, man.”

To be perfeclty honest, it took me a sec to remember - that had been more than a year ago. Thinking back on it, Gavin…maybe I’d been a little rough on him. Before Jake and I got together, I’d hooked up with this girl, Sophie. Apparently she and Gavin were an on-again, off-again thing, so he took issue with that. He tried some macho bullshit on me, so I put him in his place to show him he didn’t want the smoke. He got the message.

“Violence is the only language pieces of shit like Mullins understand.” I shrugged. “Sorry I busted up your pet straight boy, though.”

“He wasn’t Mullins. Weak shit.” He snorted. “That’s all moot now. The point is, you clearly like hurting people, so fuck yeah, we were kind of sketched out. But everyone wanted to be proven wrong, ’cause Jake claimed you were some bad boy with a heart of gold. Personally? That shit reeks of Stockholm syndrome.”

I grimaced. Why was everyone saying that suddenly?

“Robin didn’t seem to mind,” I mumbled. Yes we were getting off track, but I wanted to remind Derek his view wasn’t exactly universal.

“I can’t even pretend to understand that, so I won’t comment on it,” he replied. I thought I’d scored a point until - “Except to say he wasn’t exactly in the best headspace then, so that’s probably not the flex you think it is.”

“Fuck. I knew you’d be honest, but I didn’t think you’d be so damn harsh about it,” I grumbled.

“What. Do. You. Want?” Yeah, his patience was hanging by a thread.

Once again, the anger wouldn’t come. Instead it was guilt, and that one always left me depressed afterward.

I bobbed my head a few times and took a deep breath. “Okay. Let me just…I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t fix things. But yeah, I’ve been…kind of a dick.”

Derek narrowed his eyes. “Why?”

I closed my eyes a moment, maybe hanging on to that last vestige of whatever honor I thought I had left before I spilled my guts to someone that didn’t like me; but as he’d pointed out, I hadn’t wanted him to and hadn’t given him reason to. I looked at him steadily as I spoke. “At first it was because I just…didn’t think I’d have anything in common with anyone. I wasn’t gay. It seemed like that’s what everyone had in common.”

“You were sucking Jake’s dick. Wasn’t that a, what do they call that? A clue?” he said sarcastically.

I clenched my teeth again. “You know, if you showed this side of you more, we might have gotten along better. You kind of sound like me.”

He glanced away, looking a little embarrassed, and then turned his gaze back to me. “Okay, I’m sorry. Go ahead.”

I shifted in my chair. “You all seemed to like, have it figured out, you know? Obviously, I know you didn't, but your dynamic seemed so different. I couldn’t understand.”

“I legitimately have no fucking clue what you mean.” Derek looked at me like I was speaking gibberish, which I guess I kind of was.

“You all were like equals,” I blurted. Derk’s eyebrows shot up.

“Almost afraid to ask, but what else would we be?”

I sighed. “Okay, that was a weird way to say it, but like, with people our age there’s always a hierarchy, y’know? A few people set the tone, and everyone kind of has their place. Come on, man, you know what I’m talking about.”

“Yeah, so we weren’t a typical clique of douche-bros, and that, what, freaked you out?” The contempt in his expression had increased, if that were possible.

“Not freaked me out, exactly.” It kind of had, actually. “But I…didn’t know how to, like, function outside of that kind of system, with everyone trying to move up or knock someone else down. I was like a fish out of water.” I took a deep breath - the fight or flight instinct was real, saying things I’d never shared with anyone, or even really articulated to myself. With fucking Derek, of all people.

“All you had to do to ‘function’ was just be chill. Be normal,” he said.

“But that was normal for me, and lots of other people too!” I snapped. “You guys don’t get how unusual you are, in the scheme of things.”

“That’s fucked on so many levels, dude.” He tilted his head, examining me. “Who do you have, really? Besides your family and Jake - for now? Who do you have that you haven’t dominated in some way?”

“I have people in Boston,” I bristled, thinking of Greg - then almost grimacing when I thought how dysfunctional our relationship was. “There’s Seth and Foster! They’re my buddies.” That was safer ground.

“Still the same dynamic from what I’ve seen. For a while they were like your little hangers on. I’ve heard you call them your minions.”

“As a joke,” I replied lamely. Yeah, he had me dead to rights. “I know how weird and fucked that sounds. I had a sense that it was more something wrong with me than you guys. So I guess… I was afraid one of you guys would take Jake from me. Like…he’d figure out my problems were just way too much and how much easier he’d have it with one of you.”

He opened his mouth, and I cut him off.

“I didn’t say it was right. I’m just telling you what I thought. Okay? You asked, and I’m…I’m fucking trying here, okay?”

He worked his jaw for a moment and then nodded.

After another deep breath, I continued. “So Jake said that wasn’t true, and I…well, my brother…as much as I had a real reputation for being easy, he was the same, just with guys. So I figured…probably wasn’t so different.”

“Very different. Just saying.”

I bobbed my head. “Fair. Like I said, I’m trying to explain.” I shook my head. “I don’t know how much Jake told you about me and my family, but the point of it is, I don’t trust people. I think Jake trusts too easily. I keep my circle small because….”

He tilted his head but didn’t offer me anything.

“Because I’m afraid.” Ice spread in spikes in my chest, pulsing and poking my insides. It was true, but it cut deeper than any knife to say it.

“But, Jon,” he said a little impatiently, “no one was ever trying to steal him.”

I shook my head. “I mean I’m afraid all the time. My extended family…they - I mean we - have gone through some really fucked up things. Like…bad. Every kind of thing you can imagine. So I learned to depend on my brothers and that was it. You have no idea how hard it was to let Jake in, even though I lo…even though I loved him.”

Derek’s expression softened just a bit. “Okay. I can see that, I guess. But at some point you have to look around without that warped view of every person you meet.”

I put my hands on the table. “That’s part of why I’m here. Look I…Jake is-” I couldn’t breath for a second. I thought I felt my heart actually pause before taking a few extra hefty beats to make up for it. I swallowed and pushed ahead. “Jake is everything to me. I know I’m making this worse, but I don’t know why. You say I have red flags, and yeah, I could probably come up with some on my own, but I’m starting to think I…can’t see the real problems. I need someone to explain to me, and I can’t ask Jake. He’s so mad at me that I can’t see it, and we’re arguing, and-”

“Okay, okay,” Derek said, finally dropping his arms and the edge from his voice. “Look why…why don’t you get a cup of coffee, and we can…I can….”

I shook my head. “Just tell me. Explain it to me like I’m five. I promise I won’t get mad. I’m just…I’m just kind of lost right now.”

Derek shook his head. “I’m not a psychologist, Jon. I… Okay, just as I see it, okay?”

I nodded.

He sighed. “First, before I say anything, you cannot repeat anything to Jake. I am his friend, and I will not be responsible for you hurting him with my words.”

“Okay.”

“Not just okay. I want your promise. Make me believe it, like you did when you said Jake was everything to you.”

I put my hand over my heart. “Hand to God, bro.”

He still hesitated. “Okay. First thing is…you isolate him, whether you mean to or not.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Like this. He gets an invite to hang with the group, but he feels guilty about going because you don’t want to go -”

“But I never say he can’t go! He can do what he wants,” I interrupted. “Like, can you see that ending well for me?” I gave a weak chuckle.

“You tell him to go, but in a way that makes it clear to him you really don’t want him going,” Derek replied, speaking slowly like I was actually five years old. “It’s manipulative. He’ll choose you to keep the peace, but he ends up feeling bad.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but something slimy worked its way up the back of my neck, and with a sick feeling I knew he was telling the truth. “I just…I want his time.” I felt so weak saying that.

“As well you should, since you love him,” Derek said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. I felt dazed that he was agreeing with me. “But it’s not healthy to make him feel guilty or like you don’t trust him if he’s doing something; Including you or not. Because you’ve always been invited when the group is hanging out.”

I shifted uncomfortably. “Okay. Fair. I don’t think he’s ever said, you know, that I’m making him feel like that.”

Derek let out an ugly chuckle. “Jake claims you’re the smartest kind of guy, but sometimes the people we love make us the smartest dumbfucks around.”

I bobbed my head. “Yeah. But…how can I…okay. Yes. I do that.”

He stared at me for a moment. “It’s not healthy, Jon. It’s controlling and manipulative.”

I swallowed. “Next thing?”

He looked like he studied my face for a moment before speaking again. “Things like you grabbing him yesterday? Stopping him from leaving the space you were in? That’s a huge red flag. Not to mention everything after that.”

I held my hands out. “But he wouldn’t let me talk to him!”

“That was his choice, don’t you think?” Derek asked, staring at me. “You’d said a lot, but you weren’t hearing him. He wanted some space, but you decided he wasn’t allowed to walk away. So you grabbed him like someone in Alabama does to keep their cousin-wife from leaving.”

I really hated the southern reference. Not that I’m southern, but I didn’t like being compared to that kind of fuckwit. “Well…what was I supposed to do? He was mad at me, and I was trying to say he could do what he wanted, but he was still mad.”

“That’s your next red flag. He doesn’t need your permission, and before you say something, words matter, Jon. You just said it the same way you told him yesterday - you said it was okay for him to go. Think about that for a second.”

I did, and I didn’t like it. “Okay. I mean…I didn’t mean it the way I said it. I was trying to say that I understood and wasn’t going to make an issue out of it anymore.”

He shrugged. “Might have made a difference, but instead it comes across as you controlling him - again.”

I let out a defeated sigh. “A…friend said something like that to me yesterday. I’ve been thinking…kind of noticing that I’m doing things like that.”

“There’s also your anger and intimidation.”

I know I felt a swagger in my guts at the thought others were intimidated by me, but I tried not to show it. “How’s that?”

He looked at me steadily. “Like when you got angry yesterday-”

“Didn’t we cover this?”

“-and you walked up to someone that dared say something about your embarrassing, controlling, manipulative display, and you humiliated them? Sure, you felt great, but how about Jake? Watching you bully someone that can’t fight back? Jake was that guy not that long ago. Intimidating someone is just like doing it to him.”

“Okay, maybe I got a little carried away there,” I admitted. “He was laughing at us - me and Jake. Heck, it could be for you guys too. People have to respect us and know they can’t make shitty jokes like that and should keep their mouth shut.”

“And exactly none of us asked you to do that. We’ve never asked you to do that. Like you said, we’re not that kind of group. And don’t pretend it was for Jake - it was for your own controlling nature and someone hurt your fee fees. Or that stunt with Mullins last year.”

“Hey, he jumped me!” I protested. Dave Mullins - fuckwit I’d dealt with back when Jake and I first met. I took care of it then. He tried again, ambushing me with a pocket knife near the end of junior year outside a house party. I’d dragged him back to the party - after dislocating his arm - and made him give a public apology.

“Fine, Mullins deserved what he got, I guess. But you pretty much broke his arm. He was crying.”

“Kind of funny, though.”

“You were laughing your ass off. It was creepy.”

I opened my mouth, but struggled to find a reply. Irritation swirled with a cold feeling I wasn’t sure I could name. Jake couldn’t think…but…Jesus.

“Jon…can I ask you a personal question?”

I let out an unhappy chuckle. “You’ve kicked my nuts into my throat for the last ten minutes. What’s stopping you now?”

He leaned forward and rested his forearms on the table. “Look, Jon, whatever you think of me - if you do at all - I’m only here because my friend loves you. The fact that he loves you scares the shit out of me, because I see someone who is controlling and manipulating him. Have you ever heard of a guy named Royce McGuire?”

I drew a blank on the first name but... “I didn’t - oh wait, Foster’s brother? The one who died?”

“Yeah, that’s his brother. Royce was Griffin’s first boyfriend. You know him, dates Devyn?”

I nodded. “The little guys. Yeah. What about him?”

He ran his tongue up between his upper lip and teeth. “Royce beat the fuck out of Griffin. Raped him. Manipulated him. Controlled him so that he couldn’t do anything without getting Royce’s permission.”

I stared at him and the connection he was making. “I’m not doing that! I love him!”

“Royce probably would have said he loved Griffin, too. You’re headed that way, though, aren’t you?” he asked quietly.

I worked my mouth a few times. I wanted to say something dismissive, to shut him down, but couldn’t force a word out. Instead I examined his face. Derek wasn’t just talking out of his ass. There was a certain set to his jaw, the intensity of his expression - he was thinking back to something he’d seen first hand. And now he thought he was seeing it again - in me.

“So can I ask you that personal question?”

I swallowed my bile and nodded.

“Have you bottomed for him?”

I stared at him for a second, blinking as I wondered where the fuck that had come from. “Uh. I mean, yeah. Not…a lot.”

“Not a lot compared to you topping him or just not a lot in general?”

I wasn’t completely sure where he was going, but I decided to answer anyway. “I’ve topped him more.”

“A lot more?”

I shrugged and nodded all in one. “I’m not making a mark on my wall every time, but…yeah . I’ve topped way more.”

He leaned in. “Did you try to manipulate him into not doing something he wanted by offering to bottom?”

I put my hand over my face. “Jesus. He told you that? That’s fucking embarrassing.”

“Which part? The bottoming or the manipulation?”

Anger finally stirred in the back of my mind. Why would Jake tell him something like that? As fast as the rage built it was suddenly slapped down by a rogue wave of shame. He told Derek because I’d manipulated him. Because it made him feel bad. Because…fuck.

“To be fair, fucking me was also something he wanted.” Not great, as comebacks go. Derek just stared. “Fuck,” I said softly. “I’m the problem.”

“Yeah. You are.”

I looked at him feeling sullen. “You don’t have to be so happy about it.”

“Don’t I? Either you finish blowing this up and I pick up the pieces of my friend’s broken heart - and trust me, it would shatter him. Completely. But maybe once he was ready he’d find a healthy relationship. Or.” He sighed. “Or you say you’re sorry. He wants to believe you. Maybe you bottom to try and ‘prove it’, but you don’t really want to.”

“You’re saying my frankly legendary ass won’t smooth this over?” I couldn’t help interjecting, but honestly trying to inject any levity into this situation was more of a lost cause than the Confederacy.

“He’ll pretend it’s all good, because he wants to believe, and things will get worse,” Derek went on as if I hadn’t spoken, a slightly furrowed brow the only sign he had heard me. “Maybe you get grabbier. Maybe he pisses you off and you actually punch him.”

I shook my head sharply, feeling a brief flare of anger again before it faded like dying embers. “Never. I would never.”

He paused for a moment. “Why not? You like hitting people.”

I clenched my jaw. “That’s the only way you see this playing out? I blow it up, or it gets kicked down the road and I blow it up later?”

“First, you asked. Jon…I’d really have rather gotten to know you. I’d like to have been able to come to you as a friend and say hey, are you okay? This stuff you’re doing seems bad, do you need help?” He leaned back and crossed his arms again. “But you’re Jon Fucking Ellesier. You don’t need friends or help from the peasants.”

I stayed quiet, unwilling to trust my tongue.

“But if you want to know, I do see a third way. I don’t have any real faith in it, because you’ve never given me a reason to. But I’ll put a coin in the fountain and wish for it anyway, for Jake’s sake. Only because he loves you so much.”

I waited.

“Maybe you’ll take what I said, maybe you understood it. Maybe…maybe you’ll go talk to someone so you can learn better ways to handle things. For your own sake, not for Jake’s, because you’re the problem. Sure Jake would benefit, but can I ask you, really, are you happy like this?” He leaned in again, uncrossing his arms. “Are you happy with this cycle of you trying to control him and him slowly pulling away from you? Does it have to end that way?”

The idea gutted me. Of course, I couldn’t say it. Derek would probably hit me with it a little, but I still couldn’t say it. “I feel…out of control.” I cleared my throat. “It’s why I don’t…bottom much.”

Derek smiled at me, but he looked sad. “If you can’t trust him in bed, to take care of you when you’re vulnerable, when can you, Jon?”

“You make it sound so easy. Is it really that simple for you?” It was hard not to be bitter about it - about the less fucked-up people being able to connect with those they love.

“When you love someone? Honestly, yeah. Listen. Everyone has some level of trust issues. My own mom tried to use me as a pawn in my parents’ divorce, where she cheated on my dad and I lost my home, friends - complete start over. Okay?” He looked at me steadily. “So you can either take that as a lesson that no one can be trusted, or you use it to help find ways to find people you can trust.”

“I’ve already trusted him more than I’ve ever trusted anyone outside of my family, I think.” My voice came out in a half whisper.

“As far as you and Jake, the only real thing I can say to you is…you mentioned things were bad with your family; bad times, bad outcomes, I guess; things that really hurt everyone. As much as Jake confides in me, and I think it’s a decent amount…he won’t cross that line.” He leaned forward. “He won’t say anything that might hurt you or that’s your personal business. I’m sorry you went through that, but honestly, the only thing I care about is what it will mean for my friend and how you’re making it his problem. You’ve never let me be your friend, so the rest? I couldn’t give a flying fuck.”

He paused when I raised an eyebrow. Like, fair but that didn’t sound like him. It sounded like - “I mean, that’s the way you operate right?” he said as if reading my thoughts. “If they’re not in ‘the circle’ then fuck ’em, right?”

“Fair enough,” I said ruefully, my voice trailing down to nothing.

He sighed and stood up. “Just so you know…I’m not rooting for you to fail. I don’t hate you. I hate how you act and how it makes him feel. I hope you find your way.” He paused like he’d say something else. “Well. I have to go. Good luck, Jon.”

--Jake--

I was a little sore when I woke up Saturday morning. I’m not sure how people work construction all their lives, not that I’d really been doing that. Manual labor was exhausting, but I did feel satisfied with my effort, if not the progress. Late in the day someone fell against a wall, and the plaster had just gone poof. That wasn’t the bad part. The bad part was the mold behind that new hole in the wall. They told us not to come in this weekend, as they’d need to test that mold, then make some other checks in the structure, not to mention ensuring our masks would protect us from stuff like that.

So even though I’d gone to bed tired, I was just delaying starting my day. There was plenty of reason to just bury my head under my covers and just hide. It’s kind of terrible that the reason for that is my boyfriend, but there it is. Of course I can’t avoid him forever, and I didn’t really want to. I was just not looking forward to it, because I expected him to act like nothing was wrong - and I’d sent him a dick pic, so I hadn’t really helped myself.

The fact was, though, I didn’t think I could let things keep going this way. After talking to Derek, I’d realized how bad things really were. That didn’t change that I loved him with my whole chest and wanted to make things better, but the fact is Jon has to see it and want that too or it won’t happen. I can’t make it happen by myself.

Deciding that thinking of my boyfriend wasn’t really avoiding him, I climbed out of bed and went to use the bathroom. I grabbed my phone but didn’t want to look at it yet. I needed caffeine first, so I went downstairs and used our cheapie espresso machine, which I absolutely loved and hoped it never broke. I let myself out onto the little patio behind the house and sat down at our little table and chair set.

I wouldn’t call myself an outdoorsy person, but sitting outside on a warm morning with my coffee and a small breeze was a great way to start my day. I sipped from my mug, taking another deep breath before looking at my phone. The first thing I saw was a reply from Jon from late o’clock last night. He’d probably been drunk with Geoff, so I didn’t have high hopes for whatever he’d sent, but there wasn’t any point in putting it off.

Well. One more sip of my espresso, then deal with Jon.

Opening his message, I was deadass surprised. I love a lot of things about Jon. I feel in my heart that he’s a good person, twisted by his experiences. I get that; I’m not the most well-adjusted person myself. In many ways he and I are unlikely, but we mesh surprisingly well. He can be very sweet, but most of the time it just feels like being with my best friend. I have no shame in saying, though, he’s got a banging body.

He works for it. He attacks his martial arts training, he runs, he has a routine, and he’s certainly got me in the best shape of my life. But when you start checking off things…I think his face looks best when he’s sleeping. It relaxes, and the crease in his forehead smooths out; when he first wakes up, his eyes struggle to focus on me before his brain fully engages, and I see something beautiful then. Before any attitudes or insecurities take hold, I see the guy I love.

But that leaves out the rest. His body is enough to make the black pill crowd jealous, and I have no doubt he’d try to fit in with the more toxic elements of that group. His lips pout and make me want to kiss him. He has a six pack, strong shoulders, and biceps that can hold you better than you’ve ever been. His dick is satisfying, and his legs are strong, but not like he squats buildings.

But let me tell you about my boyfriend’s ass. Physically, it’s my favorite part of him. His lips are close, but really…when I look at his ass, it’s an instant erection. He doesn’t really try to show his ass off to me, not deliberately. But if we’re in bed and I have his clothes off, I spend a lot of time just massaging his cheeks. I think of artistic nudes and how sculptors would think this is the perfect specimen for them to hone their talents with.

I know I wanted to improve my talents with his ass, too. I wanted to do things I’d only seen in porn but…he wasn’t very into it. I even avoided putting my fingertips too far down toward his hole, because he tensed up. Which made his text a bit more confusing. He’d sent me nudes before; I had an entire folder of material on my phone that I referred to in many private moments, but ass pics were a rarity with him.

Yet here he was, looking exactly the way I’d seen him in my fantasies, looking over his shoulder with his hips tilted and that ass flexing on one side and stretched on the other. He’d included a follow up - Rain Check?

My mouth was dry, and I was ready to forget the world to see him like that, to have him…but I couldn’t. I wanted to, but if I just had sex with him, it wouldn’t solve anything. Worse, his response might be exactly what Derek and I had talked about: manipulation. He knew I wanted his ass. Like he knew I really wanted his ass. He thought if he did this all would be okay. Instead…I closed the message and sipped my drink, trying to think.

My conversation with Derek had been circling in my head, and I kept going back and forth. I’d known Jon was going to be a challenge; nothing had come easy with him. In a very real sense I was extremely proud of our relationship, because he’d come a long damn way. The problem was there was still a long way to go, and me sending a dick pic to him was only going to confuse things. I was not in this to let Jon blow us up or self-destruct. Even if we ended up breaking up, I’d still show up anytime he needed me. As a person who’d had so many commitments broken, like the betrayal from my mother and my father being absent for so long, I felt like I needed to set an example for myself. To honor my promises and not to give them lightly.

I’d promised Jon, and no matter what, I’d keep that.

I drained my cup while it was still warm. I wasn’t sure what to do. Call Jon? Should I just go over there and try to talk to him? The real question was, would he listen? Or would the Jon that so often took over when he was awake assert himself, downplaying or denying, then falling back on ‘Well, you knew I was fucked up’. I hated when he said that.

I jumped when my phone started to buzz and glanced at the screen, half-expecting Jon to be calling. But no, it was Greg. I picked up.

“Greg?”

“Yo. How’s my favorite bro-in-law?”

I laughed. “I’m good, bro, I’m good. How’s Boston today?”

“You know. Nice breeze bringing in the salt air with the whale shit and rotting seaweed smell - heaven on earth,” he replied.

I laughed harder. “When are you going to come out again? It sounds like you need some small town life in you.”

“No cap, Jon was just bringing that up yesterday.”

“Really?” My mind was trying to process that. Since we’d met up with Greg in Boston last year, I’d talked to him more than Jon had. “Well, I’m glad he got off his ass and invited his best friend, for fuck’s sake.”

“Right? I’m not going to lie: I behaved myself last time - I should be invited back!” We both laughed, and then he coughed before continuing. “Actually, bro, good as it is to hear you…I’m kind of calling ‘cause of my best-friend duties.”

I couldn't help but narrow my eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Uh. This is awkward as fuck, Jake. You know you’re my boy, so I don’t mean any disrespect.”

“Greg, you’re good. No hate for you, you know that. What’s on your mind, though?”

He sighed. “Well. I just want to be clear-”

“Greg. I’m not Jon. You can tell me.”

He let out a small laugh. “I hate you sometimes. Yeah, okay so…are you doing okay? You guys? ‘Cause he called me yesterday.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Shocked the fuck out of me, let me tell you,” he said, still trying to be just easygoing Greg. It was easy to tell he was uncomfortable; the why of it was the only real question. “But…Jon seemed kind of worried.” He paused. “Should he be?”

I cleared my throat. “There’s some stuff,” I admitted.

He let out a defeated breath. “Okay. Just…do me a favor, okay? If you’re going to end things, give a guy a heads up?”

“What?” I said, stunned. “What do you mean, end things? Greg!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” he said, verbally backpedaling. “I was just-”

“Greg.”

He stayed silent, but I could hear him breathing.

“Greg. You called me for a reason. If you want to help…help.”

“Ah, shit.” I could practically see him kicking at the ground. “Look, I know this isn’t any of my business, except I feel like I can’t just stand here. You know, me being friends with Jon is complicated.”

“What, with Jon, isn’t?”

“Fair,” he said quietly. “But I just want you to understand I’m worried for him. You have to understand…he was equal parts my best friend and my biggest nightmare. No one could touch me without paying for it. Jon didn’t always win, but he never quite lost, either. But…he could make me feel pretty small. Like he could turn that on me if he thought that’s what should happen. It was…like being on a roller coaster you couldn’t get off of without falling a long way.”

I shook my head. “That sounds exhausting.”

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “But…Jon was also someone that protected me. There were some guys, and you probably know the type, that just get off on knocking someone else down. I was never much of a fighter, and like I said, Jon could be really scary…but he could also be really amazing sometimes. The way he’d put his arm around your shoulder and just tell you he needed you right then. Sometimes he just didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts, and I got to feeling like I was taking care of him a bit, if that makes even a little sense.”

“It does. It makes a lot of sense.”

“There wasn’t ever anything between us like there is with you. I’ve never thought about a guy, even when you guys got together. I never had any clue Jon could be bi. I don’t know how you managed to find that in him, but…he called me up, and he was asking some questions that made me really worried for him.”

“Okay. Do you…I mean, I guess you don’t really want to tell me, but…not sure how this goes much farther unless you do.”

“I just…I want to be clear I wouldn’t say anything if I wasn’t worried.”

“Greg…I know you wouldn’t hurt him. Not intentionally.”

He was quiet for a moment, and I let him have that. When he did speak, I was completely surprised. “Jon was asking me some questions about if he sounded controlling and if he was being a douche. To you, I mean.”

“Shit,” I said softly. Jon could really go either way with that, and so far he’d usually acted like his back was against the wall. “What did you tell him?”

“Well. I told him the truth, since he was three hours away.”

I let out a slow breath through my nose as my chest tightened with anxiety. “How did he take that?”

“He…sounded like I’d said what he was afraid of. He wasn’t mad. He didn’t deny anything. I think maybe he was seeing that there could be a problem.” He cleared his throat. “Look, Jake, I love Jon. Honest to God, as fucked up as our friendship is, as scary as he can be, I love the guy. I was reminding him that you love him, too. That you see under his anger like I do, but maybe in ways I can’t.” He sighed. “He’s always been angry at everything, but he’s not like that with you. I’ve never seen Jon like that with anyone.”

“He’s worked really hard,” I said quietly. “The whole bi thing wasn’t obvious to anyone, even him. I give Jon a lot of credit-”

“But he couldn’t have done it without you.”

I swallowed. “Or someone like me.”

“Maybe. Billions of people, I guess there could be another. But in this version of reality, he couldn’t have done any of it without you. He’s still struggling, but I don’t know what with. But when a guy like Jon calls up and asks if he’s being controlling to someone I think he’d go through hell for? That tells me he’s on the edge, and I’m not close enough to catch him - and I’m not sure it’s my place.”

Fuck. “First, it absolutely is your place. Second, you need to pick a long weekend and come here. We don’t even have to tell Jon.”

He laughed, as I hoped he might.

“I wish you were here, just because you’ve known him so long,” I said quietly. “I don’t know what to say to him, Greg. There’s no question - he’s being controlling and manipulative. He grabbed my arm yesterday when he got mad - not hard, no bruising or anything, but I wanted to walk away, and he wouldn’t let me. Then some poor guy basically made fun of him while he was mad.”

“Ah, fuck. Please tell me there were no stitches?”

I shook my head. “No. But he was throwing his weight around, intimidating the fuck out of the kid.” I swallowed. “These are things…they can’t stay that way.”

“I wish I could say that doesn’t sound like Jon, but…it sounds just like him.”

I snorted. “Greg. How did you ever love this guy, huh?”

“Heh. You know, with all the other things that went on with him, he gave me confidence.”

I raised an eyebrow. “How’s that?”

“He never let me back down. Oh sure, he’d call me a pussy and that sort of thing, but he always told me I could do things. But he never backed down for me either. He stood up to his brother for me - and believe me, that was pretty tough.” He paused and laughed. “Smaller things too, though. I wanted to see about a girl, he was all ’Why’d she ever say no to you?’ I thought about training for boxing, he said he’d work with me, take me to the gym where he had a membership. I got nervous about math or a driving test or anything and he’d always just say ‘Bro, you got this.’ Complete, totally unjustified, confidence.”

We laughed together.

“But…over time, I started to believe in it. I know he’s got some stuff. I know I gave him shit because he never reaches out, and that hurts. But…I guess it’s something that he called when he needed a friend.”

“He owes you better,” I said. “The both of us.”

He was quiet for a moment before replying. “So. What are you going to do?”

I sighed. “I’m going to love him, Greg. I’m going to try to get him to see, but in the end…he’s got to understand he has to make choices. He can’t keep doing what he’s doing.” I stood up. “I promised I’d be there for him, and I will, even if it’s as his friend instead of his boyfriend. But no one changes unless they want to.”

After another silence he asked, “Do you think he wants to?”

I shook my head. “I wish I knew.” I tried to think, but something Derek had said came back to me. “You know. Do you think…whatever this is with him, is he making it my problem?”

“Nah. I think he just knows you love him and you’ll help him if you can. I swear…I don’t know if he knows how to ask for help, but if he does, I’m pretty sure he sounds like an asshole when he does it.”

“Wow, you really do know my boyfriend,” I said as we laughed.

“But…if you're asking - and I’m not saying you are - if you’re asking if his issues are something you’re supposed to fix…no.” He cleared his throat. “Like you said, unless Jon wants to change, there’s nothing anyone can do.”

The phone call ended on a pretty somber note. After Greg hung up, I stared at it a bit. Should I call Jon? The easy answer was yes, because I hated waiting for him to make the next move. The problem was, what would I say to him? It really depended on if he was receptive or not, and to know that I really had to wait and see what, if anything, he had to say. So maybe the smarter move was to wait for him?

I went back and forth for a few minutes and then decided not to decide. Instead I went into the house, set my cup in the sink, and opened my book of baking recipes. I wasn’t sure how long it would take me to reach a conclusion on Jon, and I certainly didn’t want to think about that picture of his ass, so I figured I’d just start with some oatmeal raisin cookies and see what happened afterward.

--Jon--

My talk with Derek had me worried. Scared, even. I’m not a hundred percent sure how I got here, and to be honest, I don’t think I ever stopped to really think about it. I know I’ve had shit to deal with, and I know you don’t just trust everyone. But I never stopped to think about how what other people did and said had shaped that in me. I think some of that had been lurking in the back of my mind when Geoff and I talked, but sort of like…in the shadows. Like it was afraid to confront me with the truth.

I think that means I have to ask myself - why am I so mad? Yes, life has sucked, and maybe…maybe I’ve let that have too much weight in how I am. Because Geoff, as much as I hate to admit it even to myself, had a point. I’m not the same Jon I was a year ago. I have a boyfriend that loves me, and I know I love him back. Even that idea would have been unreal not that long ago. I’d had girls tell me they loved me before, but I never felt it like I do with Jake. He’s actually done things that matter. He actually cared about me, not the status he thought I brought him or something like that.

It made me angry that Derek had read me so well. I thought of myself as too good…and I guess there it was. I guess if I was too good for other people, they could never be important enough to actually hurt me. Jake was…he could hurt me. I knew it. I’m not sure if the thought ever crossed his mind, because he wouldn’t. He loves me.

I drummed my fingertips on my steering wheel.

Jake takes me from one extreme - where I’m loved and love him back - to the other, where I’m the biggest asshole in the world and he could kill me just by walking away. I know, killing me seems dramatic, but it kind of feels that way. But that wasn’t what was happening. All the evidence said I was pushing him away; in effect, I was taking him away from me. What kind of self-hating asshole does that?

I pulled out my phone and looked at our last messages. Two pictures - his dick and my ass. He hadn’t responded to my picture, but he’d seen it. What did that mean? Best case, he’d gone to stroke one out and was sleeping off the haze of a good session. I grinned to myself at the thought, but my expression faded as my mind continued to churn. Maybe he thought….I didn’t know what he’d thought, because he hadn’t replied. I sighed and felt drained. I had a flash of wishing I could reach for irritation, since he hadn’t responded, but mentally shook myself; that’s what got me here. Jake sees past that to something deeper. I wasn’t sure there was anything to be found there, but the idea of letting him down…letting him go….

Not without a fight. Fighting I could do.

He’d seen the picture, so I knew he was awake. I keyed the ignition and pulled into traffic, but then wasn’t sure where to go. What if Jake was volunteering? I thought about calling Geoff to see where that place was but really didn’t like the idea. With no real options and not wanting to go home and be alone with my thoughts, I headed to Jake’s house. I turned over ideas on how to try and get this conversation started. He was probably mad, so I’d let him yell at me.

Or maybe he’d cross his arms and just wait me out. Maybe I should just ask if he could fuck me first to put him in a better mood. Maybe he’d think that was funny? Except I didn’t want to be funny. Jesus Christ! I was twisting myself in knots.

Pulling up to the curb, I was both relieved and nervous at seeing his car. “Get a grip, Jon.” As if my body took me literally, I gripped the steering wheel as if to choke it out. I let out a slow breath, took another one and slowly let the wheel go. “Let’s not be stupid about this,” I told myself and climbed from the car.

I glanced at his house, not really taking anything in, and walked to the side door that let into the kitchen. Looking through the glass of the door, I saw Jake with his back to me. I was hit with the smallest sense of wonder that I was in love with him, that he’d unlocked some part of me I didn’t know was there. Before I could take any comfort from that, my brain registered all the baked goods on the counter. Jake’s therapy is baking, so when he’s upset….

“Oh. I’m fucked.”

If I thought I’d been anxious before…I let out a slow breath, tapped on the glass twice, then opened the door, which was my normal way of entering. It felt important to keep some things normal, even if this…problem between us wasn’t. He turned toward me, and for a flash I saw him look happy to see me, but that disappeared from his face almost as fast as it had come.

“Hey, babe,” I said quietly as I closed the door behind me. Weakly I asked, “Bake sale?”

He glanced around at the trays of cookies and a loaf of something.

Before he could respond to my bad joke I blurted, “Figured I’d come over to cash in on that picture.” Even as the words left my mouth, I mentally kicked myself.

He glanced at me and then turned back to the counter. “I’m sorry about that. I don’t know why I sent it.”

Slipping into something familiar, I added a sexy edge to my tone. “Well, I think-”

“Don’t, Jon. Just…don’t.”

I stopped and swallowed down my words. Frustration lurked at the edges of my mind, restless to take control of this thing between us. “Jake…I’m sorry.”

For a second it seemed like he hadn’t heard me, but then he half-turned and looked at me. “For what?”

“Everything,” I replied, but a feeling in my gut said that wouldn’t be enough.

He turned back away and said, “I didn’t think you’d be awake yet, with Geoff in town.”

“I didn’t get drunk,” I said sullenly.

“Even if you had, that was your choice,” he said neutrally. “Like I’ve said before, I’m not your parent.”

“Yeah, but you figured if Geoff and I get together it means I’m getting blasted, and then you get to judge me.” As the words left my mouth they were bitter on my tongue. I knew I was picking a fight but seemed to realize it too late.

He snorted and shook his head, which stirred twin snakes of resentment and shame within me. It made me angry how easily I was in emotional chaos, because I couldn’t manage my own emotions around him. Unable to put that out there between us, I said, “I don’t know what Geoff said to you last night, but he had no business.” I figured using Geoff as a lightning rod here would put us on the same side.

He turned around and leaned against the counter, crossing his arms. “I don’t care about Geoff. I know he’s got his stuff, but you know what? That only goes so far. I like Richard - I can respect him. But you and I both know the only person I love in that house is you. So don’t bring up your asshole brother to make me feel good. This that’s going on right now is about me and you.”

I clamped my mouth shut to stifle my natural inclination to argue, at least long enough to put my brain back in charge of my tongue. It wasn’t surprising that he’d seen right through me and only served to remind me I was still dodging. “Okay,” I said with a nod. “But still…I didn’t ask him to say anything.”

“Why would you ever, Jon?” Jake pressed his lips together. “Is this what you came over for? To bag on Geoff? If it is…I’m not interested.”

I shook my head, and all my extra emotions - frustration, anger, shame - they all started melting off, leaving a greasy residue that made me feel like I was coming out of my skin. I pulled a chair out from the table and sat. I clasped my hands together and kept my head down.

“Jake I…I know I’ve been fucking up. I’m doing things that are…making problems between us. I can’t say I really get your point of view on everything, but I can…I can see where I’m making mistakes.”

Silence bloomed like a diseased flower. I wanted to look up at him to gauge his reaction, but in that moment I was more cowardly than I’d ever been in my life. Under that greasy feeling I felt the sharp knife of reality poking at my insides, something that told me I was on the verge of losing Jake. The idea…I know, melodramatic…but it felt like my world would end. Like I couldn’t survive that, not now. Maybe not later either.

So when I heard him drag the chair from the table and sit, I felt both more pressure and less, if that makes any sense.

“What…what do you think you’re making mistakes about?” he asked quietly.

I looked up at him. His expression was so mixed; some confusion maybe, definite concern. But I was disappointed I couldn’t clearly read him. “Look, we both know I’m fucked up-”

His expression hardened. “No.”

I closed my mouth and worked my jaw a few times, swallowing. Of all people, he doesn’t let me get away with that.

“When you do screwed up things or say screwed up things, you use that line as an excuse. Everyone is fucked up. You’re not special.” He paused. “At least not like that.”

I pulled my brows down just a bit. “But…people act based on what they learned. I do fucked up things because I had a fucked up start.”

“Okay,” he said, crossing his arms. “So that’s it then? You can’t change, even if you know what you’re doing is fucked up, so this is who you are forever now?”

“Hey! I-”

“No!” Jake said, standing up suddenly. I leaned back in surprise. “You had bad shit happen to you as a kid? Me too. Are you fucked up? Sure. Me too. But if I followed your logic, I’d be fat and single, right?”

“What? Well no, you….” Fuck me. What do I say to that?

He leaned in just a little. “Yeah. I did. With the help of my onetime best friend and now my boyfriend. I had to understand something was broken to fix it. So you come here and say you know you’ve been fucking up - so what’s fucked up, Jon?”

So many swirling voices collided in my head as I tried to pull a single coherent thought out. Greg. Derek. Geoff. The things I’d admitted to myself. It felt like pressure on my eardrums, putting pressure on my brain.

“I’m controlling you. I don’t…I mean, I don’t think of it like that when it’s happening, but…I’m doing that.” I wiped a phantom tear from my cheek. “I’m…I’m angry a lot. I know I have a problem if I’m not in control.” I looked up at him. “But my biggest problem is I feel like I’m pushing you away, and I can’t…I’m sorry.”

He got up and hugged me, my head pressed to his stomach, and I was flooded with relief that swirled with all the other crap I had building up inside me. It didn’t wash everything away, but it left me feeling raw and exposed, and I held onto Jake, because I wasn’t sure I could do things without him anymore.

I mean…I know I’m being melodramatic again, but in that moment it felt like everything was doable if I had him with me. His fingers in my hair, soft and soothing. Him telling me to just let it out - wait. What was…fuck me, am I crying? Was I so disconnected that I started to cry, which is not a me thing to do, and I didn’t even know it? The feeling of being out of control welled up inside me, and for some unknown amount of time I tried to fight the instinct to get control versus holding on to Jake to keep me in place.

I don’t think it was very long, but we stayed like that for a hot minute. It was so real. I felt so grounded, stronger, even though I was telling him how I’d been screwing everything up. Admitting it like I was a little kid that got caught stealing a candy bar and having to tell the store manager what I’d done with a parent standing behind me, glowering and disappointed.

“I love you,” I told him.

“I love you, too.”

I sucked in a breath. “Are we okay?”

He didn’t answer right away. I leaned back and looked up at him.

“Jake?”

He stroked my hair back. “Jon. Do you know how many times I’ve seen you cry?”

I wiped my face self-consciously. “No.” Damn it I sound so defensive.

“Only once. After all that drama with your family at Thanksgiving last year.” He stroked the side of my face. “I’m glad you’re okay to do that with me, but I know it also means you’re stressed to your limit. Jon…what‘s wrong?”

I pressed my lips together. I know I have to tell him, even though I sound like a little bitch. I know what’s on the line, or at least I feel like I do. It grates on me a bit that Geoff is right, but I can’t think about that right now.

“I…well, it was a few things. They all felt like they were happening at the same time.”

He nodded and pulled his chair over so he wasn’t far from me. He sat down and just waited.

“So. Geoff and I used to be really close.”

“Like you shared a lot of things or you spent a lot of time together? I ask because I spent a lot of time with my mom, but that didn’t make us close.”

I nodded. “No, we were close. We did spend time together, but we also learned stuff together. Like we learned to cook. We had fun with it.” I smiled a little thinking of it. “We looked up stuff we liked to eat and did shopping. We made some messes and fought about cleaning up, but we had some genuine…like, bonding I guess.”

“That sounds almost normal,” Jake said with a little smile.

I returned it. “Geoff isn’t all bad.”

“So. What about Geoff was bothering you in all this?”

I frowned lightly. “It’s stupid.”

“That doesn’t matter,” he said. “What matters is, it bothered you. Bothered you enough to get you - at least partly - where we are now.”

I let out a little sigh. “It’s just…things are different between us. It didn’t seem that big a deal before, but when he canceled on me, it was because he…well, he was taking Alec and Sasha’s kid shopping.”

Jake tilted his head. “Okay.” From his tone he wasn’t getting it. My stomach tightened as I fought to get the words out.

“I felt like he was picking that kid over me. That I was….”

“Being replaced?” Jake’s mouth dropped open. “Babe. Listen, from my position? Geoff loves you. It’s kind of toxic - well, not kind of - and it’s controlling and pushy, but he loves you.”

“Well, I know that. It’s just…wait, what?”

“It’s not a positive,” Jake said with a shake of his head. “But he showed up at the job site yesterday. He keeps trying to advocate for you in the most fucked-up of ways.” Jake rolled his eyes. “I honestly don’t care what Geoff thinks. He’s got to be an asshole with everything he does, so I just try to ignore him. But for what it’s worth, he cares about you.” He pushed his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “Not sure that’s a good thing, but yeah.”

I couldn’t help a small chuckle. “I know he can be hard to take sometimes.”

“He’s everything bad you could be.”

I stared at him for a second. “What?”

“He’s angry, arrogant, closed off, emotionally stunted, and I think his ability to love is so shriveled that-”

“Hang on! He’s gone through some real shit and-”

“And that means he goes around being an asshole forever? Is that really the answer? Is that what you’ll do?”

I frowned harder. “Why are you turning this on me?”

“Because, Babe,” he said, leaning forward, “you’re Geoff in, what, five years? You’re angry. You shut people out, besides your ‘circle’. He acts gruff to get things done through intimidation, which is manipulative.” He paused. “I think you know something about that.”

I stared at him and felt pressure building behind my eyes. “Why…are you….”

He tilted his head, and his expression softened. “I love you, Jon. My whole chest. I know you’ve been hurt; I have too. I know you’re angry; sometimes I am too. I know you don’t trust; it took me a while with my dad.” He reached forward and took my hand. “I’m saying I understand and I see your hurt. But I also see you not dealing with the hurt, and I don’t want to date Geoff.”

“I - are you breaking up with me?” I blurted.

He shook his head. “No. God, no. Maybe I should. Maybe I was crazy, but I love you. I love you so much.” He squeezed my hand. “But we can’t stay like this. I know you love Geoff, and I’m not getting between you guys, but whatever else you or I may think of him - he loves you and cares about you.”

It felt a little belittling to hear him reassure me like that. I felt small, but also like I needed to hear it from someone besides Geoff. If someone was going to tell me, though, shouldn’t it be him?

“Was that all that was on your mind? Geoff? Why was he with their kid?”

“Ugh. He said - I know I’m going to sound stupid here, okay? But he said he saw some of me in Micah and wanted to help.”

“That…doesn’t sound like Geoff.” Jake smiled. “What help did he give? Offer to bribe a teacher?”

I barked out a laugh. “He took him shopping. Just…you know how douchey people are if you don’t have the right look or something.”

“Sure. That’s…close to human, for Geoff.”

“Stop,” I said with a little laugh. “I mean I was pissed, but…I think I sort of get it.”

“That sounds important,” Jake said quietly. “Maybe you should reach out to Micah. Maybe he could use a guy like you.”

I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Anyway. Was that the big thing on your mind?”

I sucked on my teeth. “No. There was you choosing that place over me-”

“But I wasn’t!”

“Well…it felt like that.”

“But Jon…we-”

“I know.” I sat up a bit. “I know. I’m just saying - you asked what had been stressing me.”

He bobbed his head. “Okay, You’re right. Okay.”

I hated feeling this way, like I was whining to him. “So…it kind of felt like Geoff dumped me for someone else, and then you had that thing.” I sighed and let his hand go. “Then we had that fight at school; things have been tense for a few days.” I looked down at my hands. “I called Greg. I talked to Geoff. I…even talked to Derek.”

“You…you did?”

I looked up and frowned. “You don’t have to sound so surprised.”

He smiled and let out a small laugh. “But I am. I’m glad you did, really. I’m actually glad you did.”

I scowled. “Why? So they can confirm I’m screwed up? I knew that.”

He shook his head. “You’re so stupid.”

I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms.

“Me too. I’m stupid.” He sighed. “Look, you know you’re my first real relationship. My first love. I’m really doing my best not to screw it up. But…I talk to people I trust, because I want this to work.”

I felt mixed emotions - good that he wanted us to work, uneasy about him talking about us to others, and stupid for not having people to talk to - or maybe not realizing I had them and wasn’t using them.Then that made me feel weird, because who talks about using their friends?

“So. You talked to all these people. That stressed you by itself?”

I shifted in my chair. “Kind of. I mean…I don’t usually ask other people what they think.”

Jake waited a few moments, then asked, “And what did they think?”

I loosened my arms, they suddenly felt heavier. I pressed my lips together and then ran my tongue over them. I was fidgeting and delaying, but this is why I’m here with Jake. He loves me.

“They think…I’m being manipulative. Controlling.” I closed my eyes. “And I think they’re right.”

He pulled on my hand and held it between his.

“I’m sorry,” I said, and tears threatened again.

He tightened his grip. “I know. I wasn’t sure how to bring this up to you, but I’m glad you asked people you could trust.”

I choked out a laugh. “Derek hates me.”

Jake chuckled. “I think he doesn’t know you, though he’s tried.”

I blinked a few times when I felt more sure that I wasn’t going to start crying again. “I don’t know how to fix this,” I confessed. “I mean, they all said a lot of the same things, and I can’t argue with it. I don’t like it. I don’t always…I mean I’m not trying to be like that.” I squeezed his hand. “And I can’t lose you.”

“I promised you I’d always be there for you.” He leaned in a bit. “First love, you know? Has some perks.”

“Yeah, but…I don’t want to be that. I don’t want you to have a second love. I don’t want this to…to end.”

“We’re not over, Babe.”

I looked down at his hands around mine and moved my other hand to clasp his. I took a few deep breaths to push off the nerves and anxiety that had been gripping me and rubbed my thumbs over his hands. I thought about talking to him about how I feel about bottoming, but maybe right now…this was enough for the moment. I felt gutted as it was. My nerves buzzed with nervous energy, and I’m not sure I had it in me to go down that embarrassing path.

But then, it struck me, this is who I’m supposed to talk to about those things. Not Derek, even though he was right and it pissed me off he knew about my unease with bottoming. But then…I guess a guy like him - a gay guy - might understand how I felt. That and I have to admit, he’d pointed me in the right direction and reminded me I was supposed to be able to tell Jake what’s happening inside me. But the person that should know is my boyfriend.

“Um. This is kind of…not what we were talking about, but.”

He leaned forward and pushed his forehead to mine. “What is it?”

I closed my eyes from the shame filling my chest. “I. I feel. Um. Out of control when…when you fuck me.”

He leaned back a bit. I opened my eyes, but kept my gaze down on our hands.

“Um. I’m sorry. I never meant for you to-”

I looked up quickly. “It’s not you. You’re not doing anything wrong. I just…I feel vulnerable.” I licked my lips. “And I know I shouldn’t. I know you’re not there to hurt me. I like being with you. I don’t know why I feel like this.”

“Okay. Okay, well. We should find out, but we don’t have to do that.”

I shook my head. “No. I don’t want that to control me, or you. Or what we do. I just…I need to talk to you. To tell you.”

“Yes, you do,” he said firmly. “To be really, really clear, I want you to enjoy what we do.”

“I do!” I protested.

“But not that? And you were just going to offer your ass up as a bribe, even though you don’t like it?” he asked in challenge.

I let out a sigh of frustration. “I just feel vulnerable. So it’s not like the whole thing is bad or anything. It’s good when we get into it. But before that…I just have this big…anxious feeling, I guess. It’s different from topping. I don’t really understand it.”

He stood up, and I reflexively did the same. He hugged me, and I pulled him close, with a feeling of safety that confused me. I was supposed to make him feel safe, and it always left me vaguely uncomfortable when that line didn’t just blur but disappeared altogether.

“I want to tell you something that might make you afraid,” he said quietly. Before I could say anything, he continued. “Control…I think it’s an illusion. Even when it’s real, it’s temporary.” He leaned back and looked at me. I felt like he was seeing right into my head. “I had no control with my mom. With my dad I have more, but even for adults I’ve heard my dad talk about rules and laws and taxes - things that are bigger than we are.” He licked his lips. “When we’re together I know - I know - you love me and you’d never hurt me. So it doesn’t feel like I’m not in control. If anything I feel like I have control because I say yes or no. I’m in control because of us; who we are together.”

I looked away for a moment, trying to process the idea. It wasn't my idea of control, but I thought I could see the ligic. “I never thought of it like that.”

“When I worry about those things is when you’re pissed off. Then…I do wonder if you’d hurt me.”

Embarassment and frustration flashed in my brain. “Jake I-”

“Wait, let me finish,” he said firmly. It was incredibly hard to not talk over him to defend myself.

“The other day you grabbed me. Stopped me from leaving. Isn’t that kind of the first step? Jon, you’re scary when you’re angry - and I don’t want to be afraid of you.”

I took in a shuddering breath. “I would never.”

“Right now? I know we both believe that. But later? When your anger is in charge?” He shook his head. “Then I’m not sure. Then there was how you intimidated that kid. Humiliated him.The way you communicate with the world seems to be through trying to intimidate and manipulate it and…you’re trying to control things when you really can’t.”

I dropped my head. “What do I do? Just tell me.”

He closed the gap and hugged me again, and I tried not to squeeze him too hard, feeling like contact with him might be something that was almost over, like it was for the last time. I hated feeling that way, that edge-of-a-cliff feeling that one gentle breeze could knock my relationship off the edge.

“I think you have some new information. You talked to people and heard some hard things. Instead of denying it, you’re trying to talk to me. I think that’s a big start. Maybe later you talk to someone, if you feel comfortable. I don’t know - I’m no expert. But this feels like a big step to me.”

I turned my face into his neck. Some of the tension in me, the edge-of-the-cliff feeling, slipped away. Of course it wasn't the only thing between us. I felt embarrassed to have an honest talk about sex – intimacy – between us, but it's part of why I'm here with him. I mumbled. “What about the other thing?”

“I don’t know. We don’t have to figure it out right now. I…I guess for some people that just isn’t their favorite thing.”

He was letting me off the hook, giving up having me so I'd feel better. I turned my face to rest my chin on his shoulder. “But you want me. Like you want to fuck me.”

He nodded. “And more.”

I paused. In confusion I asked, “What else could you want?”

He let out a nervous chuckle. “Maybe we talk about this later?”

I leaned back, my confusion growing. Looking at his face I said, “But you’ve already fucked my ass. What else?”

He blushed a little and stuck his tongue out and then giggled a little. It took me about three seconds.

“Babe! Seriously?” He smiled and shrugged, still blushing, and I covered my eyes for a second before laughing. As things went it didn't sound that bad. “Well. I mean, I guess if it’s what you want.”

“Another time,” he said quietly. “I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. Like mentally. It feels like it's been days since...how about we go cuddle a bit? Maybe nap?”

I nodded and followed behind as he took my hand to lead me upstairs. I asked why he was home, since I’d been thinking he’d be at that building today. He explained, but I kind of didn’t hear anything. Exhausted wasn’t the word. There’s something different about emotional exhaustion as opposed to being tired from working out or something. We crawled onto his bed, and he curled his head against my chest, and we held each other, trying to be still and soak each other in.

I lay still, soaking in his feel and just his presence and felt the worries that had dominated my days easing. Not gone. Jake was right that this was a beginning. I know I have work to do and it feels like a lot, but it also felt good to have a goal. To be able to see the problem. I wondered about what Jake had said about control being an illusion, and if I applied that to so much of my life, to the things that had happened to me...he was right. I hadn't been able to control what had happened to my parents, to Geoff, to me. So maybe Jake was right, to a point. Maybe I was trying so hard to control everything because I'd felt so out of control for so long.

Jake shifted and I put my hand on the back of his neck, letting my thumb stroke his skin and i kissed the top of his head. No one is ever going to love me the way Jake does. Not that no one else could, but no one was going to stick with me to help me. My thoughts drifted to his comments about how when we're together he feels in control even if I'm topping because it's his choice.

I felt like there was a power, a truth there that was just out of my ability to understand. It was like a new word whose meaning is just beyond understanding, but I can see it. I can reach for it. I can learn that control doesn't mean...doing it all my way. Maybe he's right. Maybe giving up my ass to him is a form of control. Giving myself to someone else – to him – is controlling who has me.

That felt important, but too gig to hold in my head right then.

His arm drifted down, his wrist settling on my hip. Continuing to stroke his skin I thought...I'm doing a lot for love. Hearing what others say, taking it in...I guess it was time. Past time. Taking advice from Geoff seems to be like an end-of-the-world, last-ditch kind of thing. But holding Jake reminds me...I can do better, because I have done better and having him is proof of how far I've come.. So I will – for the both of us.

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